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Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Sullivan on Strike

Well it would appear my Sully boy has given up nursing. This has hit me really hard the past couple of days, I think for a couple of different reasons.

For one, he quit with literally no warning. One day he was nursing 5-6 times a day, and the next day...nothing.

Also, it's my fault he quit. I was nursing him a couple of days ago and he kept biting me to see my reaction, so I flicked him (lightly) on the cheek. It broke his heart, I could tell, and in the process mine broke as well. I felt terrible...I still do.

And he's at such a busy age (11 months). He's not really wanting me to hold him as much, so feeding times were some of the only times we had just for us two. I'm sad it's over. I just wasn't ready yet, I didn't have time to prepare myself (can you tell I don't like change?).

The past few days I pumped a couple of times and fed it to him in a sippy cup. I also offered the breast to him often, only for him to turn away from me crying each time. I kept hoping he would get over it and come back to nursing, but I officially give up. It's become too stressful on us both so I guess we are moving on.

Still, the amount of rejection I feel has been surprising. But I do, I feel like my son is rejecting me (I guess all those issues are still lurking there somewhere). And the fact that he quit because of me and now won't nurse anymore makes me feel like he's holding a grudge against me...I know that's ridiculous and not true, but it's how I feel. I wanted him to forgive me and move on, and I felt like us regaining our nursing relationship would be proof to me that he had.

Ahhh, so many emotions! Who knew being a mother could cause you to feel so much, so deeply, about so many things. But as with all things, I'm trying to learn from this experience. What good do life experiences do us if we don't take a lesson from each of them? One thing I learned about Sullivan: he's tender hearted and very sensitive (like his mom, apparently). Knowing this so early on is a blessing because it will alter how I pray for, parent, and discipline him. He is a precious soul, he's healthy and happy, and he does still love me after all, so that's all that matters right?

Until next time,