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Tuesday, June 9, 2015

life these days

The struggle is real over here.

This is the most difficult pregnancy I have ever had.

With my first daughter, I was sick a lot throughout the pregnancy...but it was my first daughter, and I was able to sleep and rest as needed.

With my second daughter, I had my husband home a lot to help me. He was in a training that had him home nearly every day by 2 or 3 o'clock, which I know was God-ordained.

This time, I have two kids to parent and my husband is deployed for 6+ months. I am trying to build a business that I love, and I have responsibilities with homeschooling my oldest. I haven't had very much help. I am convinced I've never been so tired in my entire life, often feeling so exhausted that it moves me to tears. The exhaustion has been giving me headaches, as well.

I have a lot of personal stuff that I'm working through with a counselor. And I have a lot on my mind, as I just have no idea how this fall is going to play out. When my girls and I return home to California we won't have a home or a car, and all that we (I) will have to do and figure out is stressing me out. It keeps me awake at night sometimes and wakes me earlier than I would like in the mornings.

I try to just rest in the Lord and trust Him to figure it all out, because deep down I know He has a plan. But this is a daily, hourly process and hey I'm human...

I feel out of balance in so many ways. I am unable to do so many of the things that I love, like really play with my kids, homeschool Avery, encourage my team of health coaches and motivate my customers, and just enjoy life. I feel like a bad mom, a bad coach, and it's so frustrating.

This is my healthiest pregnancy in terms of what I'm eating and the fact that I am exercising daily...so I should be feeling pretty good. I guess that just goes to show how hard pregnancy is, and how much your mental & emotional state impacts the way that you feel.

I know that everything is going to work out, and in a few months I will be able to look back and see how much I've grown as a person. But for now, I'm kind of wishing I could hibernate for the next five months and wake up with a home, a car, a husband, and a beautiful new baby boy! Sometimes just living and trusting through the hard times is the best we can do.


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