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Tuesday, December 2, 2014

allow yourself to feel

sometimes i feel like i am just going. to. lose. it.

today was sort one of those days.

my hubby left on another of his work trips; every time i get comfortable and used to him being home, he leaves again. i swear, it's like torture for my heart. and we woke up to clouds and rain, which socal definitely needs in a bad way but did nothing to brighten my mood. on top of that, my two-year-old is very two and makes me crazy most of the time. she's just so messy.

i try to be thankful, and deep in my heart i know that i have a lot to be grateful for! but is it ok if i just sit and cry for a minute or two? is it alright if i feel discouraged, tired, and all used up? that's not a sin, is it?

those are questions that i've been asking myself often, as they are feelings that i have often. i think it all depends on my heart situation. i think it's ok to feel sad as long as you don't turn it into something ugly like hateful words. i think it's ok to have a little pity party as long as you don't stay stuck there all day long. i think it's ok to get discouraged and frustrated, as long as you're taking steps to allow God to minister to your heart and you're trying to pull yourself out of it.

at least i hope so.

sometimes i feel like i need someone's permission to feel. like it's wrong of me to feel anything negative because i have so much to be happy about. sometimes i feel like i'm ungrateful or selfish if i long for a husband who is home more or a toddler who obeys, because there are so many who have so much less. does that make any sense?

but some of the best advice i got when facing our first deployment was from a fellow military wife. she told me "allow yourself to feel. it's ok to be sad when he's gone, and it's ok to be happy. just allow yourself the freedom to feel." i love that. it's so what i needed to hear, and i remind myself of that over and over again. after all, did God not create us to have emotions? can't they be a beautiful thing, even in our brokenness? can't feeling sad and lonely lead to something good, like a deeper relationship with our Maker?

allow yourself to feel. allow yourself to feel. allow yourself to feel.

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