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Thursday, November 13, 2014

servant's heart

I had a most special meeting with Jesus in my kitchen tonight.

I turned on my worship music and just started worshiping him, thanking him for loving me so much. his love. that is something I will never understand!

I've been praying a lot lately about the condition of my heart. I desperately want a servant's heart that loves to serve others; a heart that delights in giving and doing for those around me; a heart that puts others first. instead, I am overcome with the selfishness that resides inside me.

I have always been this way. selfish. some of us struggle with lying, gossiping, stealing...I struggle with a selfish heart. it's something I have thought a lot about for most of my life, as my younger sister was always so kind to point it out to me when we were growing up. (notice the sarcasm). I'm a very introverted, introspective person. it's easy for me to become absorbed in my own issues and not even notice the hurt of those around me. but I don't want that. I'm tired of it. I'm ready to move onward and upward.

I'm not sure if a selfish heart will ever be something that I overcome. maybe it will always be in me, competing for my attention and affection. maybe I'll just have to learn to stifle it, to make an effort to set aside my own desires and serve anyways. maybe my life will be a constant process of laying aside my selfish desires and replacing them with acts of service.

acts of service. it just so happens that this is my husband's love language, something that I was none too thrilled about. I hate cleaning. it's the bane of my existence. I also hate cooking. but I do those things anyways, because I have to. because I love my husband and my children and I want them to have healthy meals and a clean(ish) home. so maybe all of this is purposeful. maybe God is using my husband to teach me to serve, even when that's the last thing I want to do. after all, life isn't really about what I want is it?

which brings me back to Jesus's love for me. as I was worshiping, I couldn't help but think...if I really meditate on his love, pure and perfect as it is, will that not begin to change me? just the act alone of thinking on Christ's love, couldn't that begin to melt my selfish heart? if I truly know how much he loves me and remember that he expects me to love others in this way, will the servant's heart not fall into place?

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