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Wednesday, October 1, 2014

i'm right where i need to be

have you ever felt certain that you are right where you need to be? that you are exactly in the place in your life that God wants you? have you ever felt filled with purpose and enthusiasm for what God is doing in you and through you?! i have. i do. i never have until this moment. my life had a hart start. for 24 years i went through struggle after struggle. it started from the time i was born, to a mother who loved God and a father who struggled with alcohol and depression. i made many terrible choices and was left to suffer the consequences of those choices. i was selfish, depressed, and felt i had absolutely no purpose. i was sleepwalking my way through life. i hated the person i was but felt powerless to change it. it wasn't until i let go that i was able to fully realize my purpose and see who God created me to be! i remember it well. justin and i had just gotten into a fight. i don't remember what it was about, probably something stupid. the girls were in bed and he was in the shower, and i had set up camp on the couch. i found myself laying there crying out loud, speaking these words out into the empty room: "i can't do this anymore. i can't. i can't live like this. i don't want it anymore, take it..." i had felt unloveable for so long. the uttering of my heart, the cry of my heart, was for God to take all of my pain and baggage AWAY! i did not want it anymore! it was serving no purpose other than to drag me down and make me useless for the kingdom of God. and so i chose to let go. i chose to forgive. i knew i had to forgive my dad and justin, two men who had failed me in the past; two men who are human. but most of all i had to forgive myself. and just like that, i could breathe again. i felt lighter. i suddenly had a renewed sense of purpose. i felt lovable.

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