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Sunday, November 24, 2013

deployment: decompression phase

my husband will be home soon. it doesn't feel real yet. of course i am excited, but it feels like a far off excited. like a maybe someday excited. it doesn't feel real.

i feel like i should take this time, the last days of being on my own, to absorb it. i feel like i need to sit still and take it all in...all that i've been through; all i've done; all i've felt. a lot happens in six months. i mean, the last six months i:

ran a marathon
flew across the country with two kids on my own...twice
came home to a flooded apartment
moved into a new apartment, on my own
did everything...on my own

looking back, it seems like it has gone quickly; i would not have said that a month ago. i feel accomplished, strong, and capable. i've been stretched and thrown completely out of my comfort zone...and i survived it. i did it. but also, i feel tired. weary. i feel like a wilty plant in need of some tlc.

when you're in the midst of a struggle, you can't sit down and just absorb the situation. you can't sit down and stare it in the face and see all that you have to get through. because if you do, the weight of it might crush you. why do you think our military men go through a decompression phase post-deployment? they need time. time to take it all in. that's what i want to do in these last few days and hours before my husband comes home. i want to absorb. i want to always remember these struggles i've faced, god getting me through them, and the sense of victory that i feel now. i don't want to forget.

Saturday, November 9, 2013

deployment...will you never end?!?

well...where to begin?!

as many of you know, the girls and i flew to tennessee to visit with family since justin is deployed. we stayed about five weeks and had an amazing time. there's just something about my family being together...i love it. i love a full house, the noise and chaos, always having someone to talk to. i love never being lonely.

but i was ready to come home, get back into our routine, get things ready for justin to come home. i had no idea what i would find when i did get back, though.

after a long day of two layovers, going through security twice, and over 7 hours of air time, we finally made it home to cali at about 8. when i walked into our apartment, i laid B down because she never naps when we're traveling, so of course when we got in the car she was out like a light. after i laid her down, i realized my carpet was soaking wet. upon further investigation i realized our apartment had been flooded while we were away, by our upstairs neighbors' dirty shower water. EW!!! yeah, i went into shock. could not believe what i was witnessing. bath tub full of filthy water, water splashing out of the carpet when i walked, my daughter's room covered in mold. and so that's what i've been dealing with for the last week. my emotions have ranged from shocked to overwhelmed to exhausted to frustrated. what a mess...the apartment and me.

the apartment is being cleaned up, and thankfully we have places to stay with our friends. but i  just want to go home. i miss our space, i miss our stuff. i miss my home. and justin's homecoming date keeps changing, which i was expecting, but when it gets to the end of deployment every single day makes a difference. i am just feeling so impatient and just o v e r it all.