Thursday, October 10, 2013

deployment; 19 weeks down

i have been feeling down all day today. i'm not sure why. maybe it's being away from home; maybe it's being out of our routine; maybe it's because i haven't been getting my daily dose of endorphins from my running/workouts; maybe it's just being back in this place...

when i'm here, i feel very nostalgic. when i'm here, i'm reminded of how things used to be. this place holds a lot of painful memories for me, all my old ghosts haunt these streets. when i'm here, i'm taken back to a time where i felt insecure; afraid; discontent. a time of searching and trying to fit in. i'm taken back to a time of yelling and fights in my home; a time of me making many mistakes and bad decisions. i remember things when i'm here. a surprise pregnancy; a proposal; a rushed wedding at the county courthouse; a tumultuous first year of marriage that had me too often packing my bags and running home to mom. i don't like being here without my husband. i don't like facing these ghosts alone.

and part of my depressed mood has something to do with the fact that i haven't seen my husband in MONTHS... almost five, to be exact. i miss him. i'm growing more weary and impatient every single day. i feel like throwing a tantrum. i feel like laying in bed all day. i feel like hiding from the world. i feel like screaming at the top of my lungs. i want him home, and i want him home now.

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