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Wednesday, October 23, 2013

reflection

tonight i looked in the mirror
and was happy with what i saw

i saw a face with no make up
staring back at me

i saw big brown eyes seeking to find
the best in those around her
eyes that have gazed on a husband and daughters
eyes that have witnessed God's splendor

i saw freckles splashed across her nose
they darken with the sun
the fact that i can see them so well
says she's had lots of fun in the sun

then i saw two pink lips
lips that have turned up in a smile
lips that have kissed, that have frowned
lips that have quivered with excitement and sadness alike

i then saw two cheeks, rosy and flushed
from looking after two little ones
cheeks that blush when given attention
cheeks perfect for little kisses

when i looked in the mirror i saw hair,
needing to be washed, pulled back in a braid
hair that her love has run his hands through
hair that's been pulled by her babies

when i looked in the mirror i saw a person
a wife, a mother, a child
i saw a friend and a lover
a child of the most high

and i smiled

my father does not define me
by my appearance, and so why should i?
i am so much more than my face or my hair
i am more than what meets the eye

Thursday, October 10, 2013

deployment; 19 weeks down

i have been feeling down all day today. i'm not sure why. maybe it's being away from home; maybe it's being out of our routine; maybe it's because i haven't been getting my daily dose of endorphins from my running/workouts; maybe it's just being back in this place...

when i'm here, i feel very nostalgic. when i'm here, i'm reminded of how things used to be. this place holds a lot of painful memories for me, all my old ghosts haunt these streets. when i'm here, i'm taken back to a time where i felt insecure; afraid; discontent. a time of searching and trying to fit in. i'm taken back to a time of yelling and fights in my home; a time of me making many mistakes and bad decisions. i remember things when i'm here. a surprise pregnancy; a proposal; a rushed wedding at the county courthouse; a tumultuous first year of marriage that had me too often packing my bags and running home to mom. i don't like being here without my husband. i don't like facing these ghosts alone.

and part of my depressed mood has something to do with the fact that i haven't seen my husband in MONTHS... almost five, to be exact. i miss him. i'm growing more weary and impatient every single day. i feel like throwing a tantrum. i feel like laying in bed all day. i feel like hiding from the world. i feel like screaming at the top of my lungs. i want him home, and i want him home now.