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Monday, September 23, 2013

deployment; 17 weeks down

i have had hard days. hard days. days where i felt like i was fighting for my life. i've been low, so low, that i've wondered how i would make it. i've been scared, so scared, that i would end up in some mental facility because of the weight of it all. i've had days where i feel like i'm drowning and as soon as i catch my breath, i slip under again. i've wondered why, i've wondered how, i've wondered when. why did God plan this for my life? how will i ever survive this? when will it ever end?

but i always knew i had to survive it. i don't have a choice. i make it through this or i give up and walk away, and for me that's never been an option.

the truth is, there's not much separating me from those locked away in insane asylums. not much at all. left to my own devices, i'm sure i'd find a way to get my foot in that door. i'm sure i'd crack under the stress, under the heaviness of it all. i'm sure i'd find a way to harm myself, to break the hearts of those i love.

i hate it when people tell me i'm a strong person. i'm not strong. i'm weak. i'm selfish. i'm emotional. i'm exhausted and broken. i'm human. it's Him. He is the reason i am able to roll out of bed each day. He's the reason i'm still here at all. He's the reason. it's all Him.

glory to God.

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