Tuesday, September 17, 2013

deployment; 16 weeks down

i moved baby brooklynn out of my room tonight. she has been in her crib in my & justin's bedroom for the last 16 months...it was time. time for me to reclaim our bed, our space. it went well over all (so far). she was mad at me at first, probably confused, but she eventually settled herself down and is now fast asleep. so is avery, although earlier she told me she is mad at me for letting brooklynn in her room :)

and so i have my big bed waiting on me. i have been on the couch for the last 4 months at least. i usually sleep on the couch anyways when justin is gone, so it's not a big deal. you'd think i'd be ready to sleep in my own bed though. and i am...sort of.

but i just can't bring myself to go in there. i can't do it. even the thought of it, sleeping in that big bed alone, it's depressing. on the couch, there's only enough space for me. it works out. in the bed, there's a whole empty side over there. i feel like i'd be expecting to touch justin's foot with mine the way i always do before i fall asleep; i feel like i'd be waiting on him to kiss me goodnight and whisper "i love you". and i don't want that. i don't want those thoughts, those memories, those emotions. not right now. not today. i don't have the energy for it. not today.

and so it looks like you'll be finding me on my couch tonight..

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