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Thursday, September 26, 2013

kids and messes

my house is such a mess
toys on the floor
food on the floor
who knows what is on the floor
nothing is in its place
including my hair
my shirt is covered in snot
and who knows what else
i've been sleep deprived for years
bloodshot eyes, sweaty brow
i traded heels for tennis shoes
fancy dresses for yoga pants
my social calendar is made up of
play dates and homeschool events
my shelves are cluttered
with crayons, board books, and games

gone are the days of going out
gone are the days of sleeping in
gone are the days of selfishness
gone are the days of reading just for fun
gone are the days of shopping
for anything other than diapers and food

gone are the days of emptiness

and i wouldn't trade it
i wouldn't change a thing

who needs makeup when you have
a face adorned with little kisses?
who needs jewels
with chubby arms around your neck?
who needs expensive artwork
when water colors and crayon scribbles
are priceless?

i often stop to wonder
what my home will be like
when everything is in its place
when there are no toys to pick up
off the floor
when there are no smudgy little
fingerprints on my windowpanes
when the childish laughter and crying
is replaced with silence
when i have no tiny people
who are always underfoot
when no one is begging me to play
or asking me for things
or needing me
what will that be like?

i think it will be rather nice
and i'll probably enjoy it
but i'm sure a part of me
will always be wishing it all back
the sleepless nights and early mornings
with snuggles on the couch
the alarm clock that cries and says
"mom! i want out!"
i'm sure i'll miss the mess,
the noise, the busyness
i am sure that i will miss it
and so i had better enjoy it now

Monday, September 23, 2013

deployment; 17 weeks down

i have had hard days. hard days. days where i felt like i was fighting for my life. i've been low, so low, that i've wondered how i would make it. i've been scared, so scared, that i would end up in some mental facility because of the weight of it all. i've had days where i feel like i'm drowning and as soon as i catch my breath, i slip under again. i've wondered why, i've wondered how, i've wondered when. why did God plan this for my life? how will i ever survive this? when will it ever end?

but i always knew i had to survive it. i don't have a choice. i make it through this or i give up and walk away, and for me that's never been an option.

the truth is, there's not much separating me from those locked away in insane asylums. not much at all. left to my own devices, i'm sure i'd find a way to get my foot in that door. i'm sure i'd crack under the stress, under the heaviness of it all. i'm sure i'd find a way to harm myself, to break the hearts of those i love.

i hate it when people tell me i'm a strong person. i'm not strong. i'm weak. i'm selfish. i'm emotional. i'm exhausted and broken. i'm human. it's Him. He is the reason i am able to roll out of bed each day. He's the reason i'm still here at all. He's the reason. it's all Him.

glory to God.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

deployment; 16 weeks down

i moved baby brooklynn out of my room tonight. she has been in her crib in my & justin's bedroom for the last 16 months...it was time. time for me to reclaim our bed, our space. it went well over all (so far). she was mad at me at first, probably confused, but she eventually settled herself down and is now fast asleep. so is avery, although earlier she told me she is mad at me for letting brooklynn in her room :)

and so i have my big bed waiting on me. i have been on the couch for the last 4 months at least. i usually sleep on the couch anyways when justin is gone, so it's not a big deal. you'd think i'd be ready to sleep in my own bed though. and i am...sort of.

but i just can't bring myself to go in there. i can't do it. even the thought of it, sleeping in that big bed alone, it's depressing. on the couch, there's only enough space for me. it works out. in the bed, there's a whole empty side over there. i feel like i'd be expecting to touch justin's foot with mine the way i always do before i fall asleep; i feel like i'd be waiting on him to kiss me goodnight and whisper "i love you". and i don't want that. i don't want those thoughts, those memories, those emotions. not right now. not today. i don't have the energy for it. not today.

and so it looks like you'll be finding me on my couch tonight..

Thursday, September 5, 2013

deployment; 14 weeks down; letting go and letting God

hi folks! i haven't posted in a while, i apologize. the truth is, i haven't had anything to write about. i've had no inspiration, no nothing. just sadness and struggle, and well, i'm sure you are all tired of hearing about that..

but i will tell you that the last month has been incredibly difficult for me. i've mentioned before that i struggle with depression, i believe it's a chemical/hormonal imbalance and it runs in my family. sometimes it feels like  a monster that is chasing and chasing, and i am constantly running as hard as i can to escape its grasp. it's hard. it's something that i have to fight with all that is in me. i feel like i'm doing all that i can do, honestly. i exercise; i eat well; i pray and spend daily time in my Bible; i spend time with friends; i do yoga; i use essential oils that help with relaxation. those things help, but i still feel like i'm always fighting to stay above water...

and it's amazing, really, how stress and tension and depression affect your body. my energy has been zapped. i've been struggling with headaches, as well as a lot of tension in my neck and shoulders. it got to the point this morning where i didn't know what to do. i was afraid that it would overtake my whole body and just shut me down. so i prayed...

i told God that i needed his help. i told him that i needed him to remove all the weight that was laying so heavy on my shoulders. i asked him to take it all. and then i surrendered, and let him take it. i believe that this is a daily thing i'll have to do. the surrendering, the allowing him to take over...that doesn't come naturally. and so i prayed...and immediately the pain, the headache, the tension in my neck and shoulders...was gone. and i felt relieved and free for a moment. free!

we don't have to carry around our troubles and sorrows. he wants us to hand them to him.

cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved.
Psalm 55:22