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Saturday, August 24, 2013

I'm doing the best I can

I'm doing the best I can

I'd love to float through the day all smiles
Rather than with tears running down my face

I'm doing the best I can

I wish my words came out like honey,
Always filled with love and grace
Instead of reflecting stress and pain

I'm doing the best I can

Oh if our home would always be shining
Rather than buried in clutter

I'm doing the best I can

I have fantasies of gourmet meals
Coming from my oven
Rather than pbj's or spaghetti (that I serve way too often)

I'm doing the best I can

If only I could be a picture of strength
Every time I talk to my husband
Instead of letting him see my brokenness

I'm doing the best I can

Oh that I could be the mom who is
Always creative and so fun
Rather than stealing the ideas of those who are

I'm doing the best I can

To have patience when asked 5 million why's
And grace when something is spilt
Rather than losing my cool, as I too often will

I'm doing the best I can

If only I had the time and the energy
To learn to finally play guitar, to read, to study, to write
Rather than crash on the couch and stare straight ahead

I'm doing the best I can

There are so many things I'd still like to learn;
So many places I'd like to go
I like to think God sees that and will honor the times

I've done the best I could

Every day I try and I fail
But I make those pbj's with love
And I'm too busy playing with the toys
To pick them up

I'm doing the best I can

I know that God is with me
He'll fix whatever I break
As long as

I keep doing the best I can

** I wrote this poem because I constantly feel so much pressure, from our culture, from the internet, from tv, from over achieving women around me...pressure to constantly go above and beyond, to do more, be more, create more, make more, save more. It's just not possible to do it all. I am learning to show grace to myself...and it is so freeing. I hope you will learn it, too. :) 

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

deployment; 12 weeks down

i'm just having one of those days. one of those days where i just feel blue. one of those days where nothing goes exactly the way i planned it in my head. one of those days where i'm tired, and worn out, and sick of it all. one of those days...

i've been struggling ever since i got back from my mom's almost three weeks ago. i thought it would get better; i thought i would be stronger than this. i'm disappointed in myself.

i am trying. i'm trying to maintain patience with my kids. i'm trying to be sweet and gentle and to enjoy them. every day i pray that god will help me to enjoy them, to enjoy this season of life because i know it will pass so quickly.

but how can you enjoy a season of life where you feel incomplete? where the other half of you is around the globe? i don't have the answer. i feel like i'm trying...and failing. every single day.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

bountiful beginnings

just thought i'd share a few pictures from our first week of kindergarten :)

                           this wild child usually just wanders around & entertains herself during school hours

                                  we listed things/people we're thankful for
                                            and wrote out our bible verse for the week
                                         we had some outside fun playing hopscotch!

                                           B enjoyed the wagon ride :)

                                            practicing on her bike!

                                               ready for some baking soda & vinegar EXPLOSIONS! :)

                                                                so cool!!

                                time for sensory play with food colored noodles! slimy & squishy!

                            it definitely helps to be flexible when homeschooling with a younger child in the home. always have a plan B, and don't feel bad when you have to use it :)

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

deployment; 11 weeks down

so...i haven't seen my husband in almost three months.
it feels like way longer.
it feels like he'll never be home.
sometimes i wonder if he'll be the same when he comes back.
if i'll be the same.

i miss him so much.

sometimes it just hits me hard. certain things make me think of him and BOOM...a wave of longing washes over every pore of my body. every time i hear a motorcycle for a split second i think it's him coming home to us. what a cruel joke.

i'm at war within myself. i find myself wishing the time away and then fighting to grab it back. i realize that this time with my daughters is precious. it is fleeting and before i know it they'll be grown. i want to enjoy every second of it, to soak it in. but how can i? how? when half of me is not even here, but across the globe with my husband? and then i think about all that he is missing. all that he is sacrificing, all of the moments that we will never get back...lost forever.

Sunday, August 11, 2013

inadequate & more than enough

one of the hardest parts about justin being away is being constantly reminded of my inadequacy. no matter what i do, i can't keep the apartment clean. i struggle to get through the day without losing my temper; i tend to take my exhaustion & frustration out on my kids. i'm not creative, very fun, or exciting. i don't come up with great ideas to keep my kids occupied; a good deal of the time they land in front of the tv or ipad (calm down...it's mostly educational). i'm not good at tickling, wrestling, chasing, or pretending. i don't enjoy playing doll house as much as i wish i did. i try to cook healthy but you know what, last night we had chicken noodle soup for dinner...out of a can. and i'm ok with that.

justin brings things to this home & family that i just cannot offer. he is unique, his role in our family is priceless. his presence is different than mine. his laid back attitude, never ending patience, sense of adventure...i possess none of those. things are different when he's away. but that doesn't have to be a bad thing...does it?

i wasn't created to fill the roles of both mom and dad. but god knew when he created me that i would sometimes have to. he surrounded me with people who are supportive and prayerful. he has provided my kids with friends of a lifetime. he planted us in a church where we are loved. and best of all...he provides grace, to cover my kids where i fail them. he provides mercy, to cover me where i fail him.

i don't have to do it all, after all. i simply must do the best i can, always keeping my eyes on him...and he'll take care of the rest. he'll fill in the gap. all of this just hit me today. wow. i don't have to do it all. what a relief.

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

deployment: 10 weeks down; life on the home front

well, in a few weeks we'll be at the half way point. the closer we get, the further away homecoming feels for us. i am just getting sick of it all. impatient. frustrated. weary, physically & emotionally & spiritually. i knew i would get to a point where i was sick of the waiting...

and the closer we get, the more i miss justin. i miss him more now than ever.

we're trying to get settled back into our routine. a lot of our activities are still on summer break for a few more weeks, so things are quieter than usual. this is both good and bad. good, because i don't usually like to be busy all the time; bad, because i want to be busy right now. when i stay home all day, those tend to be the most depressing days.

i haven't had much motivation to do anything the last few days. i've been taking a break from workouts and meal prepping. i just need a break once in a while, and that's ok. i used to be so paranoid that if i quit working out even for one or two days then i'd get fat right away. irrational, i know. i no longer suffer from that anxiety, so i enjoy my time off a lot more ;) in a day or two training for marathon #2 will resume full force. i can't tell if i'm excited or nervous about that yet...

i've been getting things together & organized a little at a time for homeschooling. i can't believe my avery will be in kindergarten this year! it's ridiculous, really! i feel like from this point on, her childhood is going to fly by at warp speed. sad.

brooklynn is busy. oh my, is that child ever keeping me on my toes!! i forgot how crazy busy this age is, she's been driving me nuts! she's into EVERYTHING and i can't look away from her for two seconds...literally. but she's pretty stinkin' cute, and that helps :)

that's about all that's been happening on the home front. i am trying to get as much out of life as possible, considering our current circumstances. trying to grow through the trying times. trying to be the rock that justin and the girls are counting on me to be. thankfully, i don't have to do it on my own..

Sunday, August 4, 2013

waking up in california...

as many of you know, the girls and i spent about 5 1/2 weeks in tennessee/virginia with our family. it was an amazing time, everyone got to spend time with the girls & i got to have a break.

yesterday we flew home to california *insert tears*

i started crying a few days before we left. usually after visits i'm almost ready to come home, because justin is with me or i know i'll be seeing him soon. this time was different. i didn't want to leave at all. i knew i'd be coming home to an empty apartment. coming back here, i felt alone; sad; abandoned. all the ones who really love me are just so far away.

i know that i am never really alone. god is always here with me, and i always have my sweet little girls. and he has been so faithful to give me amazing friends who have almost become family to me. but still...i can't help but feel alone over here. i went to bed & woke up with a sad, sinking feeling. i keep thinking about what we'd be doing if we were at my mom's. i miss them all so much already, and i hate this distance between us.

i know once we get settled back into our routine i'll be alright; but for now, i'm struggling. this life is just. so. hard.