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Wednesday, July 31, 2013

deployment: 9 weeks down

nine weeks. it has been nine weeks since i last saw the love of my life. nine weeks since i drove away from him in that parking lot on base. nine weeks. 

it's gone quickly so far i think. we have stayed very busy. the girls help with that ;)

the thing is...sometimes i just need to cry. not every day anymore, just sometimes. usually i wait until i'm in the shower or alone at night; but not always.

some of the best advice i ever received from a friend and fellow military wife was this: allow yourself to feel. i love that. it's like up until that point i had been waiting for permission from someone--anyone--to feel however i needed to feel. permission to feel sad if i wanted to. i needed someone to tell me that to cry and to be sad is normal; understandable; it doesn't make me weak. i also wanted someone to tell me that it's ok to feel happy, too, in spite of my husband's absence...that it doesn't make me a bad wife.

and so now i cry when i need to cry. but i also laugh when i need to laugh, and i don't feel guilty about that. i miss justin every moment of every day, that is no exaggeration.

my point is: please allow yourself to feel. whatever your situation, no matter your lot in life. don't put up a front. don't act strong if you're not feeling strong. don't feel guilty for the way that you are feeling inside.

the thing is, yes, sometimes i feel sad. but i never, never, feel hopeless. if you are truly a christian then i believe you can never feel hopeless. if you know his promises and his love for you, you are never without hope. that is what i've come to realize.

Saturday, July 27, 2013

i miss you

I miss your HELP! you're so helpful with the girls & the chores
I miss you bathing the girls, getting them ready for bed, combing Ave's hair
I miss all of us grocery shopping together
I miss your help with laundry, and you cleaning the kitchen after I cook
I miss having dinner as a family
I miss reaching over at night and feeling you beside me in our bed
I miss falling asleep in your arms
I miss hearing your harley
I miss the excitement that I feel every day when you get home from work
I miss working out and running with you
I miss talking to you every day...in person
I miss touching you
I miss seeing you in the mornings
I miss seeing your things laying around the apartment
I miss fun weekends as a family
I miss sitting beside you on the couch
I miss date nights
I miss watching movies with you
I miss watching you play with the girls
I miss you and I putting Ave to bed at night
I miss going out to eat as a family
I miss having your help at the park, the store, the apartment, etc.
I just miss YOU. Every moment, of every day. I miss you so much it brings a lump to my throat and tears to my eyes. I love you to death and I can't wait to stop missing you.

Thursday, July 25, 2013


one of my favorite places to be is outside. free. wild. happy. with no walls to trap me in, no roof to block the sky from my view. i have felt closer to god outside than i have anywhere else. i believe that he created this world for us to enjoy. and so i wrote a poem about it :)

i love to sit under the shade of a big tree.
i love the way the breeze ruffles my hair.
 i love the smell of the salty sea air,
the sound of the waves greeting the shore.
i love the smell of flowers
blooming in springtime.
i love to hear birds cheerily chirp.
i love to bask in the warm, bright sun.
i love the way i look up at the stars
and am reminded of your power.
i love to feel the earth underneath
my bare feet; the sand between my toes.
i am so thankful for the foods you created for us to eat.
and for the grains of sand so vast that nobody knows.
i love to watch the fresh, white snow
fall; so quiet and peaceful.
i love the towering, green mountains
so inviting and yet so powerful.
i love to be alone outside at night
and feel the wind on my face.
i pretend you're brushing me with kisses
and reaching out to touch my face.
i love the way the rain sounds on my roof.
and watching it splash and drip.
i love having places to run and to walk,
to swim, dance, play, and skip.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

deployment: 7 weeks down

as i sit here missing you
tears splashing down my face
i can't believe i'm here, you're there
and all the tears i've shed
since the day that you first left
you've stayed inside my head

thoughts of you consume my day
and sometimes overwhelm me
i never knew i'd miss someone so much
that i could feel it physically

things have been going well
but i feel i've hit a wall
will this deployment never end?
i feel as though it won't
i'm already growing impatient
and restless for  your return

i'm jealous of where you are
because you should be here
with me
by my side
always and forever

i know i'm blessed to know a love
like the love i have with you
i should be thankful knowing that
you feel the same way too

but i can't help but wonder
why god chose this path for us
and yet here i am, there you are
around the globe from me
what good will come of all of this
that, i cannot see

but i know that it will come
and you'll return back to me
and you'll no longer have to leave
one day...maybe

Sunday, July 7, 2013

deployment: 5 1/2 weeks down

over a month in! i feel surprisingly awesome! i feel like i can sort of give my heart a rest from the up and down, the in and out, the constant roller coaster. yes my husband is gone and yes i miss him, all day every day. but we're in a routine now. we're counting down to an exciting day; the light at the end of the tunnel grows closer and closer. i miss him, but i feel ok.

avery misses her dad a lot. she talks about him every day, and gets disappointed if she doesn't get to talk to him/skype him. she reminisces, and talks about things she wants to do with him when he gets home. sometimes she has trouble sleeping, i think this is deployment-related. she'll wake up for no apparent reason, or not want to go to bed. but i think she's happy. she's enjoying visiting with our family and getting some extra attention.

brooklynn is getting big! she's braver now, i think she'll be walking any day. she reminds me so much of her daddy, such a little snuggle bug.

justin is doing well. he misses us, but he's staying busy with his own routine as well. for now things are pretty quiet, so that makes me feel good.

so we're just staying busy! enjoying our family and looking forward to the day my sweetheart comes back to me.