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Saturday, June 29, 2013

deployment: one month down!

one month in...it feels like it's gone fast and it feels like it's gone slow. on one hand, i can't believe it's already JULY!! on the other hand, it seems like my sweet husband left us way longer than a month ago. i miss him so much.

we traveled across the country this week. me with two kids. that was interesting. they actually did really great. but still. it went from really annoying to really bad for a few minutes back to really annoying. oh well, we made it.

now that we're here...it feels weird. it feels weird to be here with my family, with justin's family...but no justin. it just doesn't feel right, and it makes me miss him. not to mention just being out of our routine in general. that's hard on the girls, and on me. i guess i'm a routine-oriented individual more than i thought.

but we're a month in. we're making progress! and that's a good thing.

Saturday, June 22, 2013

i appreciate you

why does it take the absence of things
to make you appreciate them most?

why does it taking missing someone
to remind you how you love them?

i miss you.

i miss your help with the girls,
bathing, feeding, playing.
i miss you combing avery's curls.
i miss your face in the morning.

i miss the way you walk in the room
snuggled in your white robe
rubbing sleep out of your eyes
and asking me for coffee.

i miss you sitting beside me
at night on our big couch
searching for a movie
that you want to watch.

i miss reaching over
when we're in bed at night
and feeling you beside me,
makes everything alright.

i miss waiting for you
to come home each day
and giving you a kiss
and hearing you say

"i'm home! how are my girls?"
you are so very sweet.
i miss your stuff laying in the floor
i even miss your stinky feet.

i miss hearing your motorcycle
and feeling my heart flip
because i know my husband
is home to give me a kiss.

i miss you killing all the bugs
and taking out the trash.
i miss you helping clean
the kitchen after dinner.

i miss folding your laundry.
i miss your toothbrush by the sink.
i miss your jokes, i miss your music.
i miss watching action flicks...i think.

i miss snuggling up to you,
i miss the way you smell.
now when something exciting happens
i have no one to run and tell.

you know i love you dearly
and hate when you are away.
i can't wait until you're home,
now that will be the day!!

i'm sorry that it takes you
being across the globe
for me to let you know
how i appreciate you so.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

deployment: three weeks down

the last couple of days have just been a little hard. i've been doing this for three weeks now, and i'm feeling tired; irritable; impatient. i'm tired of cleaning up messes, all day long. i'm tired of doing it all, all of the time. i'm just tired...

so tonight i planned to tuck the girls into bed, sit down with a beer, and chill out on the couch in front of the tv.

but i didn't.

i opened up power of a praying wife by stormie omartian and i prayed for my husband. i prayed for myself. i prayed for my kids. and now i feel refreshed.

                                                       (you can buy this book here.)

i read this entire book last year. i really devoted every single day to praying these prayers for justin, numerous times a day. and i cannot tell you what transpired. it was truly a change in my heart towards him. i have always loved my husband; but i didn't realize i was harboring resentment; hurt; frustration; unrealistic expectations towards him. there is just something that happens in your heart when you pray for someone. you feel so connected to them in a new way. i began to see justin not only as my husband but also as my brother in christ; a precious person, unique, an amazing creation; a gift just for me. i began to remove all of those unrealistic expectations and started to accept him for the person that he is; i started to see his amazing qualities more than his setbacks. i forgave him for things he had done years ago that i was holding onto still. because of all this, i was suddenly able to be more patient with him; slower to get angry; i spoke only positively of him to others. i fell more in love with him.

and justin started to change, too. i watched him be more quick to show romantic gestures; he was shown favor in his field of work; he overcame an addiction that i had prayed over. i know it's because of the praying, the trusting god to move.

please, if you do not pray for your husband, start now. please. you will not regret it. as stormie says in her book, prayer is the ultimate love language.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

father's day blahs

so I'm really just over father's day... 

sometimes when I see families all together and justin's gone, it's hard for me not to feel resentful...or frustrated...or annoyed. I know it's wrong. I should be happy for all of these families, that their daddies get to be home with them. but I'm not. I'm only wishing justin was here with his family. 

that said, he is a really excellent father to our children. 

over the last couple of years I have seen my husband do some awesome things. if I  listed them all it would take up an entire page front and back.,,

He stuck by me when I was a scared 19 year old girl; he didn't have to, but he did
When I was pregnant with Avery, he went to every single doctor's appointment; he didn't miss a single one
He stayed up the entire first night after Avery was born, just holding her and watching her sleep
He left his family and home to pursue a career and to be a provider…and he did it for us
He has played dollhouse, read the same stories a zillion times, and watched princess movies till he probably couldn't stand it anymore…and then he did it again
He bought me a beautiful watch for my birthday, because it "matched my hair"
He left me notes in my phone before he left for deployment
He is always encouraging me to pursue my passions
He is more patient than I ever thought about being…I don't know how he does it
He is hardworking, humble, and loyal; anyone who knows him is blessed indeed
He is a family man; I love that he is content to be home with us during all of his free time
He is the funniest person I have ever known
He takes everything in stride; it's hard to get Justin bent out of shape
He drove to mcdonald's at 10 at night to satisfy a pregnancy craving
He has attended ballet and gymnastics classes…and pretended he loved it
He has taken Avery on dates and shown her what  a REAL man is like, so that she'll know what to look for when she is older
He loves me for who I am, and is helping me our daughters what a marriage should be like
He has never raised his voice at me; not once 

this man…I cannot say enough about him. it brings tears to my eyes to think about our future together; I'm so thankful that I get to spend the rest of my life with him. I could not have chosen a better father for my children if I'd tried…I'm truly glad I get to share the adventure that is parenthood with him. 

and so, now I'm going to pretend that father's day is o v e r. moving on...

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

deployment: two weeks down!

we have officially completed two weeks of this stinky deployment...20ish to go. wow...

i have to say, i have actually felt really good. i have felt so good, in fact, that i keep waiting on something to go wrong. i keep waiting on myself to have a major meltdown or to sink into depression like i have so many times before.

i miss justin. i miss him every second of every day. everything that happens, my first instinct is to run and tell him; when i realize i can't do that, it definitely is a harsh dose of reality. but my days are so jam packed and just busy that i don't have time to dwell on it; and by the time night rolls around i'm just exhausted and thrilled to finally have some time to myself.

i have also been exercising a lot. i know that exercise helps with depression a lot, at least for me. those endorphins are powerful. plus running just makes me happy :)

i have amazing friends to keep me busy with fun things! i love looking at a calendar filled with fun activities with people i love. my support system here and afar is wonderful. thank you, God.

i knew that the deployment was going to be easier for me than the work ups were. i knew it. i talked about it all the time. i knew deployment would be tough, and it is. but work ups are tougher. work ups SUCK. there's just nothing else to say about them. justin was constantly in and out, in and out, i felt like my head was spinning! impossible to get into a routine, very difficult to find happiness in a cycle like that that's just never ending.

but i know the real reason i am doing so well is due to the prayers--my friends and family who pray them, and my Father who answers them. i also knew going into this that there is no way i will make it through a deployment on my own. it is going to take HIS power, grace, and peace to get me through. he is just so faithful. sometimes i can't believe it, the way he keeps making his presence known in my life. i don't deserve it.

and so, life goes on. i am confident that through this deployment God is going to make me stronger; he is going to make my marriage stronger; he is going to make my relationship with him stronger; he is going to make all of my other relationships stronger.....if i let him :)

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

deployment: one week down

today is the first day since justin left that i have felt really sad all day... :( i think it's because 1) we were home all day; 2) my sister left yesterday; 3) i read his notes he left the girls before he departed...mistake. they were so sweet it made me cry; 4) he has been gone a week today. only a week. it feels like it should be way longer...

i have felt really great over all... staying busy, these girls help with that; their constant companionship is such a blessing during these times. we have lots of friends here, so i've got something fun planned for almost every day. we have gotten to skype justin a lot more than i thought! that helps the girls a ton. it helps me too...but i have cried almost every time we've said goodbye. i hate it. so much.

today has just been one of those days. i am dying for my husband to walk through the door and give me a hug. i walk into our room and sadness hits me with such a force that i can feel it in my bones. there is a pile of his clothes sitting in our bedroom floor that i can't bring myself to put away...i just don't want to look at his stuff any more than i have to. when you love someone so much, you'll do anything that you have to for them. if it means waiting 6-9 months to hold my husband again then i'll do it. because i have to. because i choose to. because i love him.