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Monday, May 20, 2013

tears, tears, tears

ok i know i have been really slacking on my blog updates. but here is the reason why...
i have been trying NOT to think about justin's impending deployment...and when i sit down to write, that's all i can think about. and so i haven't sat down to write.

i have done so good about pushing it all out of my head. focusing on the here and now, enjoying each day that we have together. just basking in justin's presence and the joy that i feel when my little family is all together. until this weekend. this weekend it has all hit me really hard, like a tornado of emotions. i keep thinking really sad, depressing thoughts that are hard for me to stop thinking about. for example, today we all went grocery shopping together. the only thing i could think was "well here we go, grocery shopping together for the last time for a while." thoughts like: "his toothbrush is no longer going to be in the bathroom; i am no longer going to be washing and folding his clothes; his favorite foods and snacks won't be in the kitchen anymore; i will be sleeping by myself every night; he won't be coming home to give me a kiss or play with the girls or help me with the dishes after dinner; he won't be here to read all the silly voices in avery's bedtime stories or help her take her bath; his shoes will no longer be in the shoe basket beside the door; i will only be cooking for myself and two littles; i will no longer have the comfort and security of seeing him at the end of each hard day; he won't be begging me to watch his man movies every night; i will no longer have weekends to look forward to because he has time to spend with just us; the girls are going to miss him so much, especially avery; i am going to miss him so much...i already do and he's not even gone yet." yeah, you get the point.

depressing.
sad.
lonely.
overwhelming.

i have just been a ball of tears since yesterday. tears splashing into soapy dishwater; tears on all of my t-shirts; tears in the rare quiet moments that i am by myself. tears.

i honestly do not know how i am going to make it through this deployment. but i do know that it won't be of my own accord. i am too selfish, too exhausted, too emotional, too human to be able to endure a trial like this. it is going to be all God, all the time.

the next several months are going to be a testament to how great God truly is.

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