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Monday, April 8, 2013

emotional train wreck

i have been experiencing SO MANY emotions the last few weeks. i feel like i am in the middle of a tornado, or on a roller coaster that just won't stop. it's as though i'm at war with myself. part of me is SO happy justin is home; i want to soak him in and enjoy every second. the other part isn't letting me do that; this part is making me feel frustrated, irritable, and grumpy almost all of the time. this part of me feels like i am ready for him to just go so we can get this deployment over with. i feel impatient and antsy. and then i feel guilty for feeling that way, and for being mean when i should be enjoying the time we do have, and it's a vicious cycle...

i believe with my whole heart that the work ups and weeks leading up to deployment have been harder by far than the actual deployment itself. i'm not saying deployment will be easy. i know it will be hard, i get tears in my eyes just thinking about it. but the work ups have been hell, and it is all only leading one place: d-day. at least during deployment i will have a light at the end of the tunnel to look forward to; i will be able to press on and count down, knowing that i am getting closer and closer to having my husband home once again. if you're a civilian reading this, you probably won't understand it. if you're a military spouse, however, i'm confident you will.

and that's that. i am a disastrous bundle of emotions. a mess. a wreck. justin and i both are distancing ourselves from one another, getting our heads and hearts where we think they need to be in order to survive all this. putting up walls, getting ready for battle. i can feel it. no matter what i try to do, there's nothing i can do to stop it...


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