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Sunday, March 24, 2013

distance

well i can feel it happening...again. i always pray this won't happen, but somehow it just does...

usually before justin leaves for a longer trip i subconsciously start to put my guard up. i don't even realize i'm doing it sometimes. i start to get irritable, snappy, we fight about things that i know are dumb. my heart tries to create a distance from his, so that i won't miss him so much when he is away. i don't know why, i thought this time would be different. maybe i just hoped it would. but i have felt myself slipping into my old ways the last week or so.

all i can think about is justin's impending deployment. it is happening so soon. i feel like time is just slipping right through my fingers, and the tighter i try to hold onto it the faster it slips away.

i keep thinking about what it will be like to be without my husband for half a year. it feels scary and sad. overwhelming. impossible. i can't believe we are here. i am on the verge of tears at any given moment. watching justin play with our girls; hearing ave's prayers for him; sitting on the couch snuggled  up under his arm; laying in bed feeling him beside me. it all makes me want to cry, because i know all too soon it will all be taken away from us for a time. i will have no pictures of justin and the girls for brooklynn's first birthday, or halloween, or thanksgiving, or maybe even christmas.  it stabs at my heart.

three years ago yesterday justin left me for boot camp. i still vividly remember that day, dropping him off, the last hug, all the tears, even listening to his favorite music (that i hate) on my way home. i can't believe it has been three years already. we have come so far, grown so much, justin has accomplished so much. he has worked so hard and deserves to be going on this deployment. i am so proud of him. 



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