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Sunday, March 10, 2013


i think about deployment and i get scared. terrified, really. six months is a long time. i have never been apart from my husband for longer than 2 1/2 months. am i going to change while he's gone? will i become this super independent person who doesn't "need" a husband around? or will i become really depressed, giving into all of the negative emotions surrounding this experience?

and what about justin? how will he change? what will he see? hear? do? will he come back a different person? will he be "damaged"?  injured? even worse?

what about our kids? how will all of this affect avery? i know she will miss her dad, that goes without question. but just how much will she miss him? will it affect her behavior? will brooklynn even remember her dad?

and then there's homecoming and reintegration. how will justin fit into our family when he gets home? i know that while he's away the girls and i will develop our own routine. how will he fit into that? how will it have to change with his return? will avery be resentful that he was away for so long, or will she just open right up to him? will brooklynn even like him? will she know who he is? our marriage, how will all of this affect that?

as you can see, i have so many questions. mostly because we have never done this before. all of this is so new. and scary. and so surreal. i cannot believe i'll be on my own with these sweet girls for 6-7 months. just thinking that makes me feel so tired... overwhelmed.

i don't have any of the answers to these questions. i can only believe and trust that god has brought us here to this point, and so he will see us through it. he will be here with me when i am feeling lonely for my husband's touch, or when i am just wishing to hear his voice. he'll be holding me while i cry tears of frustration or heartache. he'll be with me when i am exhausted, emotionally drained, or just needing a break from being mom. he won't leave me, i know that. and that is how i know i'll be ok. i know all of this will be hard. but knowing i don't have to depend on my own strength to get me through...well, that is enough to give me hope.

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