Header/Navigation Bar

Sunday, March 24, 2013

distance

well i can feel it happening...again. i always pray this won't happen, but somehow it just does...

usually before justin leaves for a longer trip i subconsciously start to put my guard up. i don't even realize i'm doing it sometimes. i start to get irritable, snappy, we fight about things that i know are dumb. my heart tries to create a distance from his, so that i won't miss him so much when he is away. i don't know why, i thought this time would be different. maybe i just hoped it would. but i have felt myself slipping into my old ways the last week or so.

all i can think about is justin's impending deployment. it is happening so soon. i feel like time is just slipping right through my fingers, and the tighter i try to hold onto it the faster it slips away.

i keep thinking about what it will be like to be without my husband for half a year. it feels scary and sad. overwhelming. impossible. i can't believe we are here. i am on the verge of tears at any given moment. watching justin play with our girls; hearing ave's prayers for him; sitting on the couch snuggled  up under his arm; laying in bed feeling him beside me. it all makes me want to cry, because i know all too soon it will all be taken away from us for a time. i will have no pictures of justin and the girls for brooklynn's first birthday, or halloween, or thanksgiving, or maybe even christmas.  it stabs at my heart.

three years ago yesterday justin left me for boot camp. i still vividly remember that day, dropping him off, the last hug, all the tears, even listening to his favorite music (that i hate) on my way home. i can't believe it has been three years already. we have come so far, grown so much, justin has accomplished so much. he has worked so hard and deserves to be going on this deployment. i am so proud of him. 



Wednesday, March 20, 2013

introvert



that picture describes me to a t. i am an introvert. i am quiet, shy, and like to keep to myself most of the time. parties, barbecues, and social functions in general kind of stress me out. don't get me wrong, i enjoy going to a party or cookout every now and then. but not every day, not even every weekend. being around so many people, having to 'entertain' others, thinking of things to talk about...it's just not me. it makes me feel tired because it just doesn't come naturally to me. planning the girls' birthdays stresses me to no end. i love to be with friends, but again, not every day. i don't like having a play date scheduled for every day of the week, or having avery in every class i can get my hands on. busyness also stresses me out. i like to take things one day at a time for the most part. see how i feel, then make plans. i know that, especially given justin's career path and the amount of time that he is away, it's important for me to stay connected. if i hole up in the apartment every single day it will only make me, and the kids, feel worse. i'm learning to reach out to people. i'm learning to be more social, in moderation.

being independent doesn't come naturally to me, either. sometimes i think god chose this specific career path for justin just to challenge and stretch me. justin and the girls are my home, my comfort zone. when he is gone, it rocks my world. everything suddenly feels insecure, shaken up, stressful. coronado is also my comfort zone. i know this town, i run its streets every day. venturing out into the city of san diego sort of stresses me out just to think about it. i wish i wasn't this way. san diego has so much to offer, but man is it a stretch for me to go without justin by my side.

meeting new people makes me feel stressed and awkward. i don't like making small talk, i'm no good at it. i have often wished i was funny or witty, but i'm not. i'm never the life of the party. and that's ok with me now. i've come to accept myself the way that i am. god made me this way, gave me this personality. that's not to say that being an introvert doesn't have its flaws...

it is so easy for me to zero in on justin and the girls and our family, our problems and just sort of shut everyone else out. it's selfish and i'm working on it. i'm trying to reach out to others. that, again, is so hard for me..

i have been learning about my personality and i'm glad, because i think avery is a lot like me. her shyness, especially around men, is exactly how i remember being as a child. i'm glad, because i can relate to her. i can gently guide her in a way no one else could.


this world is a beautiful place. i think it's awesome that god has created so many people with so many different personalities. if you're an extrovert, maybe this post will help you better understand those introverts in your life :)

Sunday, March 10, 2013

deployment

i think about deployment and i get scared. terrified, really. six months is a long time. i have never been apart from my husband for longer than 2 1/2 months. am i going to change while he's gone? will i become this super independent person who doesn't "need" a husband around? or will i become really depressed, giving into all of the negative emotions surrounding this experience?

and what about justin? how will he change? what will he see? hear? do? will he come back a different person? will he be "damaged"?  injured? even worse?

what about our kids? how will all of this affect avery? i know she will miss her dad, that goes without question. but just how much will she miss him? will it affect her behavior? will brooklynn even remember her dad?

and then there's homecoming and reintegration. how will justin fit into our family when he gets home? i know that while he's away the girls and i will develop our own routine. how will he fit into that? how will it have to change with his return? will avery be resentful that he was away for so long, or will she just open right up to him? will brooklynn even like him? will she know who he is? our marriage, how will all of this affect that?

as you can see, i have so many questions. mostly because we have never done this before. all of this is so new. and scary. and so surreal. i cannot believe i'll be on my own with these sweet girls for 6-7 months. just thinking that makes me feel so tired... overwhelmed.

i don't have any of the answers to these questions. i can only believe and trust that god has brought us here to this point, and so he will see us through it. he will be here with me when i am feeling lonely for my husband's touch, or when i am just wishing to hear his voice. he'll be holding me while i cry tears of frustration or heartache. he'll be with me when i am exhausted, emotionally drained, or just needing a break from being mom. he won't leave me, i know that. and that is how i know i'll be ok. i know all of this will be hard. but knowing i don't have to depend on my own strength to get me through...well, that is enough to give me hope.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

husband and wife

husband and wife. such beautiful words. marriage. love. trust. unity. eternity. god has designed marriage to be such an amazing part of life, a testament to god's love for us.

i find so much joy and fulfillment in being a wife. i love taking care of my husband (most of the time haha!). i love talking with him and learning about him. i love sharing our fears, dreams, goals with one another. i cherish heartfelt conversations with the man god has given me. the love, friendship, and devotion that we share is just so special and priceless. i know that i can come to him in all my mess and he will love me just the same. i can be myself when i am with him. he is my comfort zone, my home.

being a wife is about caring, encouraging, nurturing. it's praying for your spouse, even when you don't want to. being married is not always fun; when there are dirty socks on the floor, or a fight that just won't be resolved. and it's not always easy to submit to your husband, but it's what god calls us to do. and if i obey him and have a submissive heart toward my husband, then i know that my marriage will be blessed.

serving your husband doesn't always have to be a big deal. it's about realizing what matters to them and acting on it. for example, i am not really good at showing lots of mushy emotion. but justin enjoys being greeted after a long day at work with hugs and kisses. he likes it to be a big deal, i can tell. and so i always try to step out of my comfort zone to give him that, so that he feels loved. just like i serve his plate first, put his laundry away when i don't feel like it, give him the biggest, least burnt piece of chicken. those are all small ways that i show justin i love him, he's most important in my life.

i just want to encourage you ladies to pay extra attention to what makes your husbands feel loved, and then act on them. when you feel like it, when you don't. just do it. you won't regret it i promise :)