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Tuesday, February 5, 2013

trials

this is one of the first trips justin has been on where i actually feel ok. i can feel all of the prayers everyone has mentioned my name in. i feel...calm. peaceful. content. and a little amazed that i feel this way.

the last several months i have just been having such a hard time. justin's here, then he's gone, then he's here, then he's gone again...it's just never-ending and so exhausting. mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically exhausting. my heart has just been torn apart so many times. but this trip is different. i don't feel that usual lonely, depressed feeling that hangs over me like a heavy cloud. i think it's the prayers; it's the fact that maybe i am starting to get used to this; and it's the training i have been receiving at focus on base. the training has been awesome.

that's not to say that all of this is easy, because it's not. being a single parent is hard, even when it is only a few weeks or months at a time. it is so exhausting! sometimes my patience starts to run thin. just because i am feeling content doesn't mean that i don't still have my moments. it doesn't mean that i didn't almost cry today thinking about deployment and how it will affect our family. it's still tough. i still miss justin. i miss his hugs, his help with the girls, his stuff laying around. i miss his presence. but it's bearable this time. i feel hopeful, for the first time in a long time. everything is going to be ok. justin is working hard and i am proud of him. i'm working hard and i'm proud of me, too.

i feel like i'm finally in a place where i can start to reach out to other people now. for the last four months or so i have just been focused on me and my family. i have had to try and take care of myself. i've been trying to just make it through all of this. now i feel ready to offer the shoulder to cry on, instead of always being the one to cry. i'm ready to offer the knowledge that i have earned.

isn't that what life is about? doesn't God put us through trials so that we will 1) lean on him and 2) be able to use our experiences to help others? i think so.

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