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Sunday, February 10, 2013

strength

for almost three years i have been dreading deployment...and now we're only a few months away from beginning our first one. i can't believe it. the last several months i have been in sort of denial, telling myself that justin is just going on a really long camping trip; that all he will be doing is working out like crazy and playing video games. i almost had myself believing it. but as the day nears, i just know it's not true. he could possibly be in real danger, and it's scary. our community has suffered  a lot of loss over the last couple of years. that doesn't make  a wife feel very confident...

i know that i have to give up control of justin, of our circumstances. i know that i have to hand him over to God. i know that i have to start praying now, for his safety and wisdom. i know that i have to trust that my Father knows best; that he will take care of us. it's just so hard. why is it so hard?

six or seven months is a long time. it's a long time to be a single parent; it's a long time to sleep in a cold and empty bed. it's a long time to live as half  a person. it's a long time to miss your best friend, soul mate, and life partner. it's a long time to soothe little fears and answer questions like "where is daddy?" and "when is he coming home?" it's a long time. i know the girls will change so much while justin is away, especially brooklynn. when he leaves she will be barely one. when he returns she'll be well on her way to two.

i feel sad when i think about this major event that we'll be forced to go through. i feel worry when i think about how it could affect our kids, our marriage. we have never been apart for this long before. i sometimes wonder how i will ever make it through this. i know i will, because i have to. and i know that it won't be because of my own strength..

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