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Thursday, February 14, 2013

redeemed

my life has not been an easy one. but then, whose has?

i think most of you know that i got pregnant with avery when i was 19. 19 years old, working a minimum wage job, freshman in college. and crazy in love. it was a turning point in my life. i was starting to feel the call of god on my life, the call to serve and go on mission trips. one half of me was ready to pursue this but the other half was clearly not doing what it was supposed to. ha. justin and i had been together off and on for about two years at the time. my dad had just moved out, spurring the separation of my parents. it was a hard time. a sad time. i remember just feeling lost. i had no idea what i was supposed to do with my life. i had no one really giving me direction. i was a selfish 19 year-old. i was looking for love; acceptance. i worked, shopped, partied. that was my life then. my how things have changed..

sometimes i can't even believe the person that i used to be. i can't believe the person i am now. i can't believe how far god has brought my marriage. our first two years of marriage were pretty terrible. they were hell, really. it was definitely not all justin's fault. he made his mistakes, but so did i. i didn't know how to be a wife. the only example i saw of a wife was in a dysfunctional marriage while i was growing up. i was hormonal, stressed out, scared. an excerpt from one of my old journals:

tuesday, april 15, 2008

my attitude towards having a baby and getting married change daily. sometimes i feel nearly depressed; others i feel almost excited. but one feeling that never goes away is being overwhelmed. i've stepped into so much all at once, i wonder if i can do it. in a matter of months i've gone from a fun, carefree teenager who liked to party and shop to a wife and expectant mother who has to work and plan for a new life. overwhelming.

i was not ready to get married. i didn't even really want to at that time; i felt like i had to. i loved justin, of course. i knew that i wanted to be with him forever. i just wasn't ready for forever to start right then. too young, immature, selfish, unprepared. and i definitely was not ready for a child. are you kidding me?! i was still a child!  i was doing what i wanted to do, when i wanted to do it. that freedom, i wasn't ready to give it up. but i did. because i had to. and now here we are... almost five years of marriage later.

i am sharing this because i want you to know, no matter how difficult your life may feel, no matter how unhappy you are in your marriage...it is not hopeless. my marriage is a miracle; truly. god has restored my relationship with justin. he has given me a heart that loves and accepts justin for who he is; i am able to see him with new eyes, as firstly a brother in christ, the man that god has set apart just for me. god has softened my heart towards my husband. he has renewed my love for him. he has given me hope for the future. i love justin so much. he is my best friend in the entire world, the person i know i can turn to no matter what. i never thought we would be here, but we are. and it's all because of my father. my life is better now than it has ever been; that's a funny side effect of throwing your hands up in the air and saying "ok, god, i give in. i give up all control. please, take over now." ;)

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