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Sunday, November 24, 2013

deployment: decompression phase

my husband will be home soon. it doesn't feel real yet. of course i am excited, but it feels like a far off excited. like a maybe someday excited. it doesn't feel real.

i feel like i should take this time, the last days of being on my own, to absorb it. i feel like i need to sit still and take it all in...all that i've been through; all i've done; all i've felt. a lot happens in six months. i mean, the last six months i:

ran a marathon
flew across the country with two kids on my own...twice
came home to a flooded apartment
moved into a new apartment, on my own
did everything...on my own

looking back, it seems like it has gone quickly; i would not have said that a month ago. i feel accomplished, strong, and capable. i've been stretched and thrown completely out of my comfort zone...and i survived it. i did it. but also, i feel tired. weary. i feel like a wilty plant in need of some tlc.

when you're in the midst of a struggle, you can't sit down and just absorb the situation. you can't sit down and stare it in the face and see all that you have to get through. because if you do, the weight of it might crush you. why do you think our military men go through a decompression phase post-deployment? they need time. time to take it all in. that's what i want to do in these last few days and hours before my husband comes home. i want to absorb. i want to always remember these struggles i've faced, god getting me through them, and the sense of victory that i feel now. i don't want to forget.

Saturday, November 9, 2013

deployment...will you never end?!?

well...where to begin?!

as many of you know, the girls and i flew to tennessee to visit with family since justin is deployed. we stayed about five weeks and had an amazing time. there's just something about my family being together...i love it. i love a full house, the noise and chaos, always having someone to talk to. i love never being lonely.

but i was ready to come home, get back into our routine, get things ready for justin to come home. i had no idea what i would find when i did get back, though.

after a long day of two layovers, going through security twice, and over 7 hours of air time, we finally made it home to cali at about 8. when i walked into our apartment, i laid B down because she never naps when we're traveling, so of course when we got in the car she was out like a light. after i laid her down, i realized my carpet was soaking wet. upon further investigation i realized our apartment had been flooded while we were away, by our upstairs neighbors' dirty shower water. EW!!! yeah, i went into shock. could not believe what i was witnessing. bath tub full of filthy water, water splashing out of the carpet when i walked, my daughter's room covered in mold. and so that's what i've been dealing with for the last week. my emotions have ranged from shocked to overwhelmed to exhausted to frustrated. what a mess...the apartment and me.

the apartment is being cleaned up, and thankfully we have places to stay with our friends. but i  just want to go home. i miss our space, i miss our stuff. i miss my home. and justin's homecoming date keeps changing, which i was expecting, but when it gets to the end of deployment every single day makes a difference. i am just feeling so impatient and just o v e r it all.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013


tonight i looked in the mirror
and was happy with what i saw

i saw a face with no make up
staring back at me

i saw big brown eyes seeking to find
the best in those around her
eyes that have gazed on a husband and daughters
eyes that have witnessed God's splendor

i saw freckles splashed across her nose
they darken with the sun
the fact that i can see them so well
says she's had lots of fun in the sun

then i saw two pink lips
lips that have turned up in a smile
lips that have kissed, that have frowned
lips that have quivered with excitement and sadness alike

i then saw two cheeks, rosy and flushed
from looking after two little ones
cheeks that blush when given attention
cheeks perfect for little kisses

when i looked in the mirror i saw hair,
needing to be washed, pulled back in a braid
hair that her love has run his hands through
hair that's been pulled by her babies

when i looked in the mirror i saw a person
a wife, a mother, a child
i saw a friend and a lover
a child of the most high

and i smiled

my father does not define me
by my appearance, and so why should i?
i am so much more than my face or my hair
i am more than what meets the eye

Thursday, October 10, 2013

deployment; 19 weeks down

i have been feeling down all day today. i'm not sure why. maybe it's being away from home; maybe it's being out of our routine; maybe it's because i haven't been getting my daily dose of endorphins from my running/workouts; maybe it's just being back in this place...

when i'm here, i feel very nostalgic. when i'm here, i'm reminded of how things used to be. this place holds a lot of painful memories for me, all my old ghosts haunt these streets. when i'm here, i'm taken back to a time where i felt insecure; afraid; discontent. a time of searching and trying to fit in. i'm taken back to a time of yelling and fights in my home; a time of me making many mistakes and bad decisions. i remember things when i'm here. a surprise pregnancy; a proposal; a rushed wedding at the county courthouse; a tumultuous first year of marriage that had me too often packing my bags and running home to mom. i don't like being here without my husband. i don't like facing these ghosts alone.

and part of my depressed mood has something to do with the fact that i haven't seen my husband in MONTHS... almost five, to be exact. i miss him. i'm growing more weary and impatient every single day. i feel like throwing a tantrum. i feel like laying in bed all day. i feel like hiding from the world. i feel like screaming at the top of my lungs. i want him home, and i want him home now.

Thursday, September 26, 2013

kids and messes

my house is such a mess
toys on the floor
food on the floor
who knows what is on the floor
nothing is in its place
including my hair
my shirt is covered in snot
and who knows what else
i've been sleep deprived for years
bloodshot eyes, sweaty brow
i traded heels for tennis shoes
fancy dresses for yoga pants
my social calendar is made up of
play dates and homeschool events
my shelves are cluttered
with crayons, board books, and games

gone are the days of going out
gone are the days of sleeping in
gone are the days of selfishness
gone are the days of reading just for fun
gone are the days of shopping
for anything other than diapers and food

gone are the days of emptiness

and i wouldn't trade it
i wouldn't change a thing

who needs makeup when you have
a face adorned with little kisses?
who needs jewels
with chubby arms around your neck?
who needs expensive artwork
when water colors and crayon scribbles
are priceless?

i often stop to wonder
what my home will be like
when everything is in its place
when there are no toys to pick up
off the floor
when there are no smudgy little
fingerprints on my windowpanes
when the childish laughter and crying
is replaced with silence
when i have no tiny people
who are always underfoot
when no one is begging me to play
or asking me for things
or needing me
what will that be like?

i think it will be rather nice
and i'll probably enjoy it
but i'm sure a part of me
will always be wishing it all back
the sleepless nights and early mornings
with snuggles on the couch
the alarm clock that cries and says
"mom! i want out!"
i'm sure i'll miss the mess,
the noise, the busyness
i am sure that i will miss it
and so i had better enjoy it now

Monday, September 23, 2013

deployment; 17 weeks down

i have had hard days. hard days. days where i felt like i was fighting for my life. i've been low, so low, that i've wondered how i would make it. i've been scared, so scared, that i would end up in some mental facility because of the weight of it all. i've had days where i feel like i'm drowning and as soon as i catch my breath, i slip under again. i've wondered why, i've wondered how, i've wondered when. why did God plan this for my life? how will i ever survive this? when will it ever end?

but i always knew i had to survive it. i don't have a choice. i make it through this or i give up and walk away, and for me that's never been an option.

the truth is, there's not much separating me from those locked away in insane asylums. not much at all. left to my own devices, i'm sure i'd find a way to get my foot in that door. i'm sure i'd crack under the stress, under the heaviness of it all. i'm sure i'd find a way to harm myself, to break the hearts of those i love.

i hate it when people tell me i'm a strong person. i'm not strong. i'm weak. i'm selfish. i'm emotional. i'm exhausted and broken. i'm human. it's Him. He is the reason i am able to roll out of bed each day. He's the reason i'm still here at all. He's the reason. it's all Him.

glory to God.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

deployment; 16 weeks down

i moved baby brooklynn out of my room tonight. she has been in her crib in my & justin's bedroom for the last 16 months...it was time. time for me to reclaim our bed, our space. it went well over all (so far). she was mad at me at first, probably confused, but she eventually settled herself down and is now fast asleep. so is avery, although earlier she told me she is mad at me for letting brooklynn in her room :)

and so i have my big bed waiting on me. i have been on the couch for the last 4 months at least. i usually sleep on the couch anyways when justin is gone, so it's not a big deal. you'd think i'd be ready to sleep in my own bed though. and i am...sort of.

but i just can't bring myself to go in there. i can't do it. even the thought of it, sleeping in that big bed alone, it's depressing. on the couch, there's only enough space for me. it works out. in the bed, there's a whole empty side over there. i feel like i'd be expecting to touch justin's foot with mine the way i always do before i fall asleep; i feel like i'd be waiting on him to kiss me goodnight and whisper "i love you". and i don't want that. i don't want those thoughts, those memories, those emotions. not right now. not today. i don't have the energy for it. not today.

and so it looks like you'll be finding me on my couch tonight..

Thursday, September 5, 2013

deployment; 14 weeks down; letting go and letting God

hi folks! i haven't posted in a while, i apologize. the truth is, i haven't had anything to write about. i've had no inspiration, no nothing. just sadness and struggle, and well, i'm sure you are all tired of hearing about that..

but i will tell you that the last month has been incredibly difficult for me. i've mentioned before that i struggle with depression, i believe it's a chemical/hormonal imbalance and it runs in my family. sometimes it feels like  a monster that is chasing and chasing, and i am constantly running as hard as i can to escape its grasp. it's hard. it's something that i have to fight with all that is in me. i feel like i'm doing all that i can do, honestly. i exercise; i eat well; i pray and spend daily time in my Bible; i spend time with friends; i do yoga; i use essential oils that help with relaxation. those things help, but i still feel like i'm always fighting to stay above water...

and it's amazing, really, how stress and tension and depression affect your body. my energy has been zapped. i've been struggling with headaches, as well as a lot of tension in my neck and shoulders. it got to the point this morning where i didn't know what to do. i was afraid that it would overtake my whole body and just shut me down. so i prayed...

i told God that i needed his help. i told him that i needed him to remove all the weight that was laying so heavy on my shoulders. i asked him to take it all. and then i surrendered, and let him take it. i believe that this is a daily thing i'll have to do. the surrendering, the allowing him to take over...that doesn't come naturally. and so i prayed...and immediately the pain, the headache, the tension in my neck and shoulders...was gone. and i felt relieved and free for a moment. free!

we don't have to carry around our troubles and sorrows. he wants us to hand them to him.

cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved.
Psalm 55:22

Saturday, August 24, 2013

I'm doing the best I can

I'm doing the best I can

I'd love to float through the day all smiles
Rather than with tears running down my face

I'm doing the best I can

I wish my words came out like honey,
Always filled with love and grace
Instead of reflecting stress and pain

I'm doing the best I can

Oh if our home would always be shining
Rather than buried in clutter

I'm doing the best I can

I have fantasies of gourmet meals
Coming from my oven
Rather than pbj's or spaghetti (that I serve way too often)

I'm doing the best I can

If only I could be a picture of strength
Every time I talk to my husband
Instead of letting him see my brokenness

I'm doing the best I can

Oh that I could be the mom who is
Always creative and so fun
Rather than stealing the ideas of those who are

I'm doing the best I can

To have patience when asked 5 million why's
And grace when something is spilt
Rather than losing my cool, as I too often will

I'm doing the best I can

If only I had the time and the energy
To learn to finally play guitar, to read, to study, to write
Rather than crash on the couch and stare straight ahead

I'm doing the best I can

There are so many things I'd still like to learn;
So many places I'd like to go
I like to think God sees that and will honor the times

I've done the best I could

Every day I try and I fail
But I make those pbj's with love
And I'm too busy playing with the toys
To pick them up

I'm doing the best I can

I know that God is with me
He'll fix whatever I break
As long as

I keep doing the best I can

** I wrote this poem because I constantly feel so much pressure, from our culture, from the internet, from tv, from over achieving women around me...pressure to constantly go above and beyond, to do more, be more, create more, make more, save more. It's just not possible to do it all. I am learning to show grace to myself...and it is so freeing. I hope you will learn it, too. :) 

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

deployment; 12 weeks down

i'm just having one of those days. one of those days where i just feel blue. one of those days where nothing goes exactly the way i planned it in my head. one of those days where i'm tired, and worn out, and sick of it all. one of those days...

i've been struggling ever since i got back from my mom's almost three weeks ago. i thought it would get better; i thought i would be stronger than this. i'm disappointed in myself.

i am trying. i'm trying to maintain patience with my kids. i'm trying to be sweet and gentle and to enjoy them. every day i pray that god will help me to enjoy them, to enjoy this season of life because i know it will pass so quickly.

but how can you enjoy a season of life where you feel incomplete? where the other half of you is around the globe? i don't have the answer. i feel like i'm trying...and failing. every single day.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

bountiful beginnings

just thought i'd share a few pictures from our first week of kindergarten :)

                           this wild child usually just wanders around & entertains herself during school hours

                                  we listed things/people we're thankful for
                                            and wrote out our bible verse for the week
                                         we had some outside fun playing hopscotch!

                                           B enjoyed the wagon ride :)

                                            practicing on her bike!

                                               ready for some baking soda & vinegar EXPLOSIONS! :)

                                                                so cool!!

                                time for sensory play with food colored noodles! slimy & squishy!

                            it definitely helps to be flexible when homeschooling with a younger child in the home. always have a plan B, and don't feel bad when you have to use it :)

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

deployment; 11 weeks down

so...i haven't seen my husband in almost three months.
it feels like way longer.
it feels like he'll never be home.
sometimes i wonder if he'll be the same when he comes back.
if i'll be the same.

i miss him so much.

sometimes it just hits me hard. certain things make me think of him and BOOM...a wave of longing washes over every pore of my body. every time i hear a motorcycle for a split second i think it's him coming home to us. what a cruel joke.

i'm at war within myself. i find myself wishing the time away and then fighting to grab it back. i realize that this time with my daughters is precious. it is fleeting and before i know it they'll be grown. i want to enjoy every second of it, to soak it in. but how can i? how? when half of me is not even here, but across the globe with my husband? and then i think about all that he is missing. all that he is sacrificing, all of the moments that we will never get back...lost forever.

Sunday, August 11, 2013

inadequate & more than enough

one of the hardest parts about justin being away is being constantly reminded of my inadequacy. no matter what i do, i can't keep the apartment clean. i struggle to get through the day without losing my temper; i tend to take my exhaustion & frustration out on my kids. i'm not creative, very fun, or exciting. i don't come up with great ideas to keep my kids occupied; a good deal of the time they land in front of the tv or ipad (calm down...it's mostly educational). i'm not good at tickling, wrestling, chasing, or pretending. i don't enjoy playing doll house as much as i wish i did. i try to cook healthy but you know what, last night we had chicken noodle soup for dinner...out of a can. and i'm ok with that.

justin brings things to this home & family that i just cannot offer. he is unique, his role in our family is priceless. his presence is different than mine. his laid back attitude, never ending patience, sense of adventure...i possess none of those. things are different when he's away. but that doesn't have to be a bad thing...does it?

i wasn't created to fill the roles of both mom and dad. but god knew when he created me that i would sometimes have to. he surrounded me with people who are supportive and prayerful. he has provided my kids with friends of a lifetime. he planted us in a church where we are loved. and best of all...he provides grace, to cover my kids where i fail them. he provides mercy, to cover me where i fail him.

i don't have to do it all, after all. i simply must do the best i can, always keeping my eyes on him...and he'll take care of the rest. he'll fill in the gap. all of this just hit me today. wow. i don't have to do it all. what a relief.

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

deployment: 10 weeks down; life on the home front

well, in a few weeks we'll be at the half way point. the closer we get, the further away homecoming feels for us. i am just getting sick of it all. impatient. frustrated. weary, physically & emotionally & spiritually. i knew i would get to a point where i was sick of the waiting...

and the closer we get, the more i miss justin. i miss him more now than ever.

we're trying to get settled back into our routine. a lot of our activities are still on summer break for a few more weeks, so things are quieter than usual. this is both good and bad. good, because i don't usually like to be busy all the time; bad, because i want to be busy right now. when i stay home all day, those tend to be the most depressing days.

i haven't had much motivation to do anything the last few days. i've been taking a break from workouts and meal prepping. i just need a break once in a while, and that's ok. i used to be so paranoid that if i quit working out even for one or two days then i'd get fat right away. irrational, i know. i no longer suffer from that anxiety, so i enjoy my time off a lot more ;) in a day or two training for marathon #2 will resume full force. i can't tell if i'm excited or nervous about that yet...

i've been getting things together & organized a little at a time for homeschooling. i can't believe my avery will be in kindergarten this year! it's ridiculous, really! i feel like from this point on, her childhood is going to fly by at warp speed. sad.

brooklynn is busy. oh my, is that child ever keeping me on my toes!! i forgot how crazy busy this age is, she's been driving me nuts! she's into EVERYTHING and i can't look away from her for two seconds...literally. but she's pretty stinkin' cute, and that helps :)

that's about all that's been happening on the home front. i am trying to get as much out of life as possible, considering our current circumstances. trying to grow through the trying times. trying to be the rock that justin and the girls are counting on me to be. thankfully, i don't have to do it on my own..

Sunday, August 4, 2013

waking up in california...

as many of you know, the girls and i spent about 5 1/2 weeks in tennessee/virginia with our family. it was an amazing time, everyone got to spend time with the girls & i got to have a break.

yesterday we flew home to california *insert tears*

i started crying a few days before we left. usually after visits i'm almost ready to come home, because justin is with me or i know i'll be seeing him soon. this time was different. i didn't want to leave at all. i knew i'd be coming home to an empty apartment. coming back here, i felt alone; sad; abandoned. all the ones who really love me are just so far away.

i know that i am never really alone. god is always here with me, and i always have my sweet little girls. and he has been so faithful to give me amazing friends who have almost become family to me. but still...i can't help but feel alone over here. i went to bed & woke up with a sad, sinking feeling. i keep thinking about what we'd be doing if we were at my mom's. i miss them all so much already, and i hate this distance between us.

i know once we get settled back into our routine i'll be alright; but for now, i'm struggling. this life is just. so. hard.

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

deployment: 9 weeks down

nine weeks. it has been nine weeks since i last saw the love of my life. nine weeks since i drove away from him in that parking lot on base. nine weeks. 

it's gone quickly so far i think. we have stayed very busy. the girls help with that ;)

the thing is...sometimes i just need to cry. not every day anymore, just sometimes. usually i wait until i'm in the shower or alone at night; but not always.

some of the best advice i ever received from a friend and fellow military wife was this: allow yourself to feel. i love that. it's like up until that point i had been waiting for permission from someone--anyone--to feel however i needed to feel. permission to feel sad if i wanted to. i needed someone to tell me that to cry and to be sad is normal; understandable; it doesn't make me weak. i also wanted someone to tell me that it's ok to feel happy, too, in spite of my husband's absence...that it doesn't make me a bad wife.

and so now i cry when i need to cry. but i also laugh when i need to laugh, and i don't feel guilty about that. i miss justin every moment of every day, that is no exaggeration.

my point is: please allow yourself to feel. whatever your situation, no matter your lot in life. don't put up a front. don't act strong if you're not feeling strong. don't feel guilty for the way that you are feeling inside.

the thing is, yes, sometimes i feel sad. but i never, never, feel hopeless. if you are truly a christian then i believe you can never feel hopeless. if you know his promises and his love for you, you are never without hope. that is what i've come to realize.

Saturday, July 27, 2013

i miss you

I miss your HELP! you're so helpful with the girls & the chores
I miss you bathing the girls, getting them ready for bed, combing Ave's hair
I miss all of us grocery shopping together
I miss your help with laundry, and you cleaning the kitchen after I cook
I miss having dinner as a family
I miss reaching over at night and feeling you beside me in our bed
I miss falling asleep in your arms
I miss hearing your harley
I miss the excitement that I feel every day when you get home from work
I miss working out and running with you
I miss talking to you every day...in person
I miss touching you
I miss seeing you in the mornings
I miss seeing your things laying around the apartment
I miss fun weekends as a family
I miss sitting beside you on the couch
I miss date nights
I miss watching movies with you
I miss watching you play with the girls
I miss you and I putting Ave to bed at night
I miss going out to eat as a family
I miss having your help at the park, the store, the apartment, etc.
I just miss YOU. Every moment, of every day. I miss you so much it brings a lump to my throat and tears to my eyes. I love you to death and I can't wait to stop missing you.

Thursday, July 25, 2013


one of my favorite places to be is outside. free. wild. happy. with no walls to trap me in, no roof to block the sky from my view. i have felt closer to god outside than i have anywhere else. i believe that he created this world for us to enjoy. and so i wrote a poem about it :)

i love to sit under the shade of a big tree.
i love the way the breeze ruffles my hair.
 i love the smell of the salty sea air,
the sound of the waves greeting the shore.
i love the smell of flowers
blooming in springtime.
i love to hear birds cheerily chirp.
i love to bask in the warm, bright sun.
i love the way i look up at the stars
and am reminded of your power.
i love to feel the earth underneath
my bare feet; the sand between my toes.
i am so thankful for the foods you created for us to eat.
and for the grains of sand so vast that nobody knows.
i love to watch the fresh, white snow
fall; so quiet and peaceful.
i love the towering, green mountains
so inviting and yet so powerful.
i love to be alone outside at night
and feel the wind on my face.
i pretend you're brushing me with kisses
and reaching out to touch my face.
i love the way the rain sounds on my roof.
and watching it splash and drip.
i love having places to run and to walk,
to swim, dance, play, and skip.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

deployment: 7 weeks down

as i sit here missing you
tears splashing down my face
i can't believe i'm here, you're there
and all the tears i've shed
since the day that you first left
you've stayed inside my head

thoughts of you consume my day
and sometimes overwhelm me
i never knew i'd miss someone so much
that i could feel it physically

things have been going well
but i feel i've hit a wall
will this deployment never end?
i feel as though it won't
i'm already growing impatient
and restless for  your return

i'm jealous of where you are
because you should be here
with me
by my side
always and forever

i know i'm blessed to know a love
like the love i have with you
i should be thankful knowing that
you feel the same way too

but i can't help but wonder
why god chose this path for us
and yet here i am, there you are
around the globe from me
what good will come of all of this
that, i cannot see

but i know that it will come
and you'll return back to me
and you'll no longer have to leave
one day...maybe

Sunday, July 7, 2013

deployment: 5 1/2 weeks down

over a month in! i feel surprisingly awesome! i feel like i can sort of give my heart a rest from the up and down, the in and out, the constant roller coaster. yes my husband is gone and yes i miss him, all day every day. but we're in a routine now. we're counting down to an exciting day; the light at the end of the tunnel grows closer and closer. i miss him, but i feel ok.

avery misses her dad a lot. she talks about him every day, and gets disappointed if she doesn't get to talk to him/skype him. she reminisces, and talks about things she wants to do with him when he gets home. sometimes she has trouble sleeping, i think this is deployment-related. she'll wake up for no apparent reason, or not want to go to bed. but i think she's happy. she's enjoying visiting with our family and getting some extra attention.

brooklynn is getting big! she's braver now, i think she'll be walking any day. she reminds me so much of her daddy, such a little snuggle bug.

justin is doing well. he misses us, but he's staying busy with his own routine as well. for now things are pretty quiet, so that makes me feel good.

so we're just staying busy! enjoying our family and looking forward to the day my sweetheart comes back to me.

Saturday, June 29, 2013

deployment: one month down!

one month in...it feels like it's gone fast and it feels like it's gone slow. on one hand, i can't believe it's already JULY!! on the other hand, it seems like my sweet husband left us way longer than a month ago. i miss him so much.

we traveled across the country this week. me with two kids. that was interesting. they actually did really great. but still. it went from really annoying to really bad for a few minutes back to really annoying. oh well, we made it.

now that we're here...it feels weird. it feels weird to be here with my family, with justin's family...but no justin. it just doesn't feel right, and it makes me miss him. not to mention just being out of our routine in general. that's hard on the girls, and on me. i guess i'm a routine-oriented individual more than i thought.

but we're a month in. we're making progress! and that's a good thing.

Saturday, June 22, 2013

i appreciate you

why does it take the absence of things
to make you appreciate them most?

why does it taking missing someone
to remind you how you love them?

i miss you.

i miss your help with the girls,
bathing, feeding, playing.
i miss you combing avery's curls.
i miss your face in the morning.

i miss the way you walk in the room
snuggled in your white robe
rubbing sleep out of your eyes
and asking me for coffee.

i miss you sitting beside me
at night on our big couch
searching for a movie
that you want to watch.

i miss reaching over
when we're in bed at night
and feeling you beside me,
makes everything alright.

i miss waiting for you
to come home each day
and giving you a kiss
and hearing you say

"i'm home! how are my girls?"
you are so very sweet.
i miss your stuff laying in the floor
i even miss your stinky feet.

i miss hearing your motorcycle
and feeling my heart flip
because i know my husband
is home to give me a kiss.

i miss you killing all the bugs
and taking out the trash.
i miss you helping clean
the kitchen after dinner.

i miss folding your laundry.
i miss your toothbrush by the sink.
i miss your jokes, i miss your music.
i miss watching action flicks...i think.

i miss snuggling up to you,
i miss the way you smell.
now when something exciting happens
i have no one to run and tell.

you know i love you dearly
and hate when you are away.
i can't wait until you're home,
now that will be the day!!

i'm sorry that it takes you
being across the globe
for me to let you know
how i appreciate you so.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

deployment: three weeks down

the last couple of days have just been a little hard. i've been doing this for three weeks now, and i'm feeling tired; irritable; impatient. i'm tired of cleaning up messes, all day long. i'm tired of doing it all, all of the time. i'm just tired...

so tonight i planned to tuck the girls into bed, sit down with a beer, and chill out on the couch in front of the tv.

but i didn't.

i opened up power of a praying wife by stormie omartian and i prayed for my husband. i prayed for myself. i prayed for my kids. and now i feel refreshed.

                                                       (you can buy this book here.)

i read this entire book last year. i really devoted every single day to praying these prayers for justin, numerous times a day. and i cannot tell you what transpired. it was truly a change in my heart towards him. i have always loved my husband; but i didn't realize i was harboring resentment; hurt; frustration; unrealistic expectations towards him. there is just something that happens in your heart when you pray for someone. you feel so connected to them in a new way. i began to see justin not only as my husband but also as my brother in christ; a precious person, unique, an amazing creation; a gift just for me. i began to remove all of those unrealistic expectations and started to accept him for the person that he is; i started to see his amazing qualities more than his setbacks. i forgave him for things he had done years ago that i was holding onto still. because of all this, i was suddenly able to be more patient with him; slower to get angry; i spoke only positively of him to others. i fell more in love with him.

and justin started to change, too. i watched him be more quick to show romantic gestures; he was shown favor in his field of work; he overcame an addiction that i had prayed over. i know it's because of the praying, the trusting god to move.

please, if you do not pray for your husband, start now. please. you will not regret it. as stormie says in her book, prayer is the ultimate love language.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

father's day blahs

so I'm really just over father's day... 

sometimes when I see families all together and justin's gone, it's hard for me not to feel resentful...or frustrated...or annoyed. I know it's wrong. I should be happy for all of these families, that their daddies get to be home with them. but I'm not. I'm only wishing justin was here with his family. 

that said, he is a really excellent father to our children. 

over the last couple of years I have seen my husband do some awesome things. if I  listed them all it would take up an entire page front and back.,,

He stuck by me when I was a scared 19 year old girl; he didn't have to, but he did
When I was pregnant with Avery, he went to every single doctor's appointment; he didn't miss a single one
He stayed up the entire first night after Avery was born, just holding her and watching her sleep
He left his family and home to pursue a career and to be a provider…and he did it for us
He has played dollhouse, read the same stories a zillion times, and watched princess movies till he probably couldn't stand it anymore…and then he did it again
He bought me a beautiful watch for my birthday, because it "matched my hair"
He left me notes in my phone before he left for deployment
He is always encouraging me to pursue my passions
He is more patient than I ever thought about being…I don't know how he does it
He is hardworking, humble, and loyal; anyone who knows him is blessed indeed
He is a family man; I love that he is content to be home with us during all of his free time
He is the funniest person I have ever known
He takes everything in stride; it's hard to get Justin bent out of shape
He drove to mcdonald's at 10 at night to satisfy a pregnancy craving
He has attended ballet and gymnastics classes…and pretended he loved it
He has taken Avery on dates and shown her what  a REAL man is like, so that she'll know what to look for when she is older
He loves me for who I am, and is helping me our daughters what a marriage should be like
He has never raised his voice at me; not once 

this man…I cannot say enough about him. it brings tears to my eyes to think about our future together; I'm so thankful that I get to spend the rest of my life with him. I could not have chosen a better father for my children if I'd tried…I'm truly glad I get to share the adventure that is parenthood with him. 

and so, now I'm going to pretend that father's day is o v e r. moving on...

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

deployment: two weeks down!

we have officially completed two weeks of this stinky deployment...20ish to go. wow...

i have to say, i have actually felt really good. i have felt so good, in fact, that i keep waiting on something to go wrong. i keep waiting on myself to have a major meltdown or to sink into depression like i have so many times before.

i miss justin. i miss him every second of every day. everything that happens, my first instinct is to run and tell him; when i realize i can't do that, it definitely is a harsh dose of reality. but my days are so jam packed and just busy that i don't have time to dwell on it; and by the time night rolls around i'm just exhausted and thrilled to finally have some time to myself.

i have also been exercising a lot. i know that exercise helps with depression a lot, at least for me. those endorphins are powerful. plus running just makes me happy :)

i have amazing friends to keep me busy with fun things! i love looking at a calendar filled with fun activities with people i love. my support system here and afar is wonderful. thank you, God.

i knew that the deployment was going to be easier for me than the work ups were. i knew it. i talked about it all the time. i knew deployment would be tough, and it is. but work ups are tougher. work ups SUCK. there's just nothing else to say about them. justin was constantly in and out, in and out, i felt like my head was spinning! impossible to get into a routine, very difficult to find happiness in a cycle like that that's just never ending.

but i know the real reason i am doing so well is due to the prayers--my friends and family who pray them, and my Father who answers them. i also knew going into this that there is no way i will make it through a deployment on my own. it is going to take HIS power, grace, and peace to get me through. he is just so faithful. sometimes i can't believe it, the way he keeps making his presence known in my life. i don't deserve it.

and so, life goes on. i am confident that through this deployment God is going to make me stronger; he is going to make my marriage stronger; he is going to make my relationship with him stronger; he is going to make all of my other relationships stronger.....if i let him :)

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

deployment: one week down

today is the first day since justin left that i have felt really sad all day... :( i think it's because 1) we were home all day; 2) my sister left yesterday; 3) i read his notes he left the girls before he departed...mistake. they were so sweet it made me cry; 4) he has been gone a week today. only a week. it feels like it should be way longer...

i have felt really great over all... staying busy, these girls help with that; their constant companionship is such a blessing during these times. we have lots of friends here, so i've got something fun planned for almost every day. we have gotten to skype justin a lot more than i thought! that helps the girls a ton. it helps me too...but i have cried almost every time we've said goodbye. i hate it. so much.

today has just been one of those days. i am dying for my husband to walk through the door and give me a hug. i walk into our room and sadness hits me with such a force that i can feel it in my bones. there is a pile of his clothes sitting in our bedroom floor that i can't bring myself to put away...i just don't want to look at his stuff any more than i have to. when you love someone so much, you'll do anything that you have to for them. if it means waiting 6-9 months to hold my husband again then i'll do it. because i have to. because i choose to. because i love him.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

d-day: shock & grief

well i have almost made it through the first day of this darn deployment... today has been the saddest day of my life; driving away from justin today was definitely the hardest thing i have ever had to do.

the last few days have been super emotional for me. lots of crying. i have been really quiet and just lost in my thoughts. we have been blessed with a ton of time together the last few months, which i am incredibly thankful for. justin and i were able to go on one last date last night, to the movies...i am so glad we were able to have some time alone right before he left. i have been sad, but i also have felt all of the prayers that have been going up for us. i have felt more peace and hope than i imagined i would feel.

but still, today was a hard day. justin checked in, then we grabbed some lunch together. after lunch we drove him back over to the plane and that's where we said our goodbyes. we both figured it was better for us to just do it, rather than hang out for twenty minutes in misery. so we held each other tight, cried tears of sadness at having to be separated for so long, whispered "i love you's," justin said goodbye to the girls (i didn't watch...i can never watch their goodbyes), then said "see ya soon." this was the first time ever that avery has cried when saying goodbye to justin. breaks my heart.

when we got home i sat in the car for a minute and let it all out. i think the girls were wondering what was going on...maybe some of our neighbors were too.

for the most part, i feel ok. being in this apartment is hard. i see him everywhere, which is just a constant reminder of his absence. i will be doing every day things then suddenly feel sick to my stomach because i think about him, or i look outside and see the car and remember that he's gone, or i think about being apart from my other half for half a year. i miss him. so much.

mostly i just can't believe this is it. we are going through our first deployment. it doesn't feel real. i have been dreading it and talking about it and praying about it for so long, and here it is. i just can't believe it. i don't want to do it. i just want him to come home, right now.