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Saturday, December 1, 2012

roller coaster

annnd he's gone again...

today is Justin's 30th birthday. I had planned to surprise him with a horseback riding adventure, he's been wanting to do that for a while. but instead we had to drop him off at the base at 8:45 this morning so he could catch a flight across the country. not exactly what I had planned...

I keep waiting on all this to get easier. everyone tells me it gets easier. but it's not getting easier at all. each time I have to say goodbye to my husband it is just as difficult as it was the time before that. the day he leaves I fall into some really dark feelings. I feel so depressed; lonely; hopeless; heartbroken. I cry that whole day. everything makes me cry. I try not to. but I can't help it. I just can't. I try to smile, to hold back the tears, to feel positive. I try to be strong.

 but then I started thinking...maybe all of that isn't really being strong. maybe sometimes strength looks a little different. maybe strength is when you cry and feel depressed and go on living anyway. maybe strength is just in pulling yourself out of bed the morning after you soaked your pillow with tears. maybe strength isn't in hiding the tears. maybe strength is staying here by my husband's side, while rarely ever actually at his side, when it would just be easier to walk away from it all. maybe to be strong is to face your feelings, give into them a little, then move forward. strength is moving forward. I'm moving forward at least. one hour, one day at a time. not always because I want to, but because I have to.

for the last three years almost the navy has just put me on this incredibly ridiculous emotional roller coaster. the last year things were great. Justin was home. he was home with me for a year, I didn't have to worry about him going anywhere. I knew this day would come, where we'd have to get back into the swing of things. I knew it would be hard. I dreaded it. and now here we are. I am riding this roller coaster that I just want so desperately to climb out of, but instead of slowing down to let me off it only gets faster, taking crazy twists and turns that make me want off even more...

but there's no escaping this roller coaster. this roller coaster is our life now. and I love Justin so much that I'm willing to keep on riding, even when I so desperately want off.

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