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Tuesday, December 4, 2012

lonely, not alone

i just...really am struggling. i hate to sound like a broken record. but this is my life. this is what's happening. it's just hard. every single day is a struggle right now. when i wake up i feel like i have nothing to look forward to. when i go to bed, it is always with a heavy heart. always...

i know it must sound like i'm just sitting here wallowing in my own misery over here. but i'm not. i really am trying. i am getting out of the house. i'm plastering on a smile. i'm exercising. i'm trying to spend time in the Word. i'm turning on my good music. i'm doing all the things i always do. but on the inside my heart is just crushed. demolished. broken. i just want my husband home. i want my daughters to have their dad be an active part of their lives. constantly answering the question of "will i see daddy tomorrow?" with a "no" is just really, really difficult. it's hard for me to picture the next four years of our lives being like this. but i know they will be. i'm trying to accept it. i'm trying.

you know, i think there's a big misconception out there that christians don't struggle. you love God, you have him on your side, so life is easy right? WRONG. i think that christians often struggle more, because when you're doing the things that God wants you to do, living the life that he has for you...that's what the devil hates. that's when he is going to come at you the hardest. i think there are high standards set for christians. we believe in God, so we must be perfect like him too right? people forget that christians, too, are human. human. humans make mistakes. we mess stuff up that shouldn't be messed up. we complicate things with our emotions, our egos, our selfishness.

no, christians struggle. i am a living example of that (thanks, Lord. ha.). the thing is, we have hope. we cling to the promise that we do have God on our side. and while that doesn't mean things will be easy--he never promised us life would be easy did he?--it does mean that he will guide us through it. he will never leave us, even when we feel isolated and alone. he will get us through it. i'm not doing any of this alone. i also have the promise that all i go through is for my own good. all of this--the separation from my husband, the loneliness and depression--it's not in vain. it is molding me into a godly woman of strength and character. it's preparing me to one day be  a support to someone in the same shoes i now bear. from these trials i will gain wisdom, insight, integrity. Romans 8:28 says "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." this is the promise i have to cling to. praise God!

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