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Sunday, December 9, 2012

bah humbug

i do not like being a weak person. and right now that's what i feel like i am, a weak person. my goal is always to make life easier for justin so that he can do his job, and for our girls so that they can be kids and enjoy life. i have always tried so hard to hide from justin how hard all of this is for me, and i have always succeeded at doing so i believe...until now. i just hate that he knows i'm having a hard time. i hate it. i try to hide it but he hears it in my voice. 

you know, i never realized how difficult it would be to be away from your spouse during the holiday season. i always heard that the holidays can be a difficult time for people, but i never really thought much about that until this year. justin has been in and out for two months. i have been struggling through this holiday season on my own with the girls. it hasn't been easy...

friday we went to see santa with a few friends, and the parade afterwards. one minute avery was trying to climb a huge tree, i looked away for five seconds, looked back and she was gone. just gone. of course i panicked. completely panicked. i know i appeared calm on the outside, but on the inside it was like a tornado of worry, fear, and the worst thoughts you could imagine. i wanted to throw brooklynn in the grass and take off running until i found her. but of course i didn't do that. i enlisted the help of a few nearby friends to help scan the area. after walking a few yards i spotted her. talk about relief... disaster.

tonight we decided to head down to the bay and watch the boat parade and fireworks. first of all, i got the times mixed up. apparently the fireworks were later than i thought, so ave and i were disappointed about that. my bad on that one. then we're waiting on the parade to start...i'm trying to skype with my mom and sisters; ave is wandering around making me nervous i'll lose her (again); brooklynn is wailing at the top of her lungs; then ave tells me she has to pee, of course. i feel so stressed out. i want to go home. that makes avery cry, because she wants to watch the parade. now i have two crying girls. ahhhhh!! finally brooklynn calms down so we watch the first half of the parade. avery is satisfied with that and we head home. disaster.

not to mention...Christmas is a time for family and fun and being together. i have none of my family here. i have no husband here. when i see families happy together i feel resentment and bitterness. i don't mean to. i know it's ugly. i can't help it.

i have tried so hard to make it a fun holiday season for the girls. mostly for avery. but i feel like i've failed. everything i try to do ends badly. i don't want it to be Christmas anymore. i have no Christmas spirit, no matter how many carols i listen to or lights i hang up or presents i wrap. i just want it to be over...

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