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Monday, November 12, 2012

stay a while

i had a mini meltdown today. ok, it wasn't a mini meltdown, it was a major one. it consisted of me crying for hours unable to stop despite my best efforts, while repeatedly saying to myself "steel your nerve. stop it, anna, just stop it! get yourself together, woman!" needless to say, my pep talk failed miserably and i ended up gasping for air by the end of it, from trying so hard not to cry. ugh.

i always try with all my might not to cry in front of justin or the girls. i really, really try. but there are just times when you can't hold it in. you just need to sob on your husband's shoulder while you're safe in the circle of his strong arms. today that's what i did. i guess that's what i needed.

now i feel guilty. and i have a pounding headache. and tears still keep trying to spill over my eyelashes. and i just miss my husband so desperately.

justin will only be gone a few days this time, so why am i having such a hard time? the answer lies in the words this time. this time. this is only one time of many. my husband has at least two more trips before christmas break. and after that? you guessed it, more trips. i feel like this is how it's going to be for the next four years of my life. four years. here, gone, here, gone, here, gone. it all feels so utterly exhausting and hopeless. such a terrible roller coaster of emotions. you go from such a high to such a low. one week the love of your life is home, life is good, you're happy and full of laughs and love, nothing can bring you down. and then he leaves. and you're sad, and lonely, and depressed, and just so tired.

i usually am able to look past the separation to happier times. i usually am able to get excited for things, despite my husband's absence. thanksgiving with my little family, christmas with my big one. but right now i am really struggling. i am struggling to get excited. i'm struggling to be positive and to see the light at the end of the tunnel. i'm finding it really difficult to look forward to anything. when i look ahead i don't see happy times, holidays, birthdays, stolen moments with my husband. all i see is him leaving us, again and again. that's hard to look past. that's what is filling my vision.

i'm trying. i know i need to adjust my view and my perspective. but right now i just don't have the energy or the will to. right now i just feel sad. right now i just want my justin to come home and stay. i just want him to stay.

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