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Tuesday, October 23, 2012

:(

I am feeling rather hopeless at the moment. Exhausted. Frustrated!!!!!!!!!!! Discouraged. And I just miss my husband. I miss his company. His help. Justin has only been gone two days. Two days. And I am already losing it. These girls are driving me crazy. Avery has decided to be extra emotional, weepy, pouty, and whiny. I cannot stand whining. Brooklynn is super whiny and fussy. She won't sleep well at night. I am at my whit's end. Already. And it's only been two days.

How will I make it six months?!

This month of Justin's absence is just looming in front of me, long and dark. I try to be a good mom. But I lose my temper, often. I cry when I want so badly to be happy and strong for my girls. But I fall apart. My patience is too thin. My joy is too fleeting. I am on a roller coaster.

This is what the military does to your emotions.

Being a [temporary] single mom is so hard. I have no idea how mothers (or fathers) live like this constantly. Because it is absolutely the most exhausting thing in this world. Physically, emotionally, mentally exhausting. And two kids is a whole different ball game than just one. I have written before, I'm having a hard time adjusting. It's been five months since Brooklynn's arrival and I'm still adjusting. It's so much easier to handle one by yourself than it is two. Oh my.

And so here I am, laying it all out. My mess of emotions. My tear-stained face and puffy eyes. My heavy heart. My anxiety, fear, desperation. I'm embarrassed, to be feeling this way after only two days. But I can't cover it up or hide it, I'm sure it's written plainly on my face and heard in my voice every time I answer the question "So, how are you?" I'll usually smile and tell you I'm fine, but here's the truth: I'm not fine. I'm struggling.

And I can't help but feel that this is right where God wants me. At the end of myself. Reaching out to Him in my desperation, acknowledging that He is the only one who can help me. He is the answer. He is my source of strength, joy, peace. Not Justin, not my girls. As much joy as they give me, they also give me grief. And frustration. The joy that stems from them doesn't rival that of my heavenly Father. The only question is: will I hold onto all of this and muddle through myself? Or will I hand it over to His waiting hands and accept His grace and His help? I'm going to try and accept His help. I need Him. I can do none of this on my own.

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