Thursday, July 26, 2012

Can I just have my body back please?

I have been working my butt off. Literally. Losing the baby weight has been SO much harder this time than it was with Avery! I always heard that it probably would be, but refused to accept it.

While I was pregnant I ran until I was 5 1/2 months. After that I got an elliptical, which I used 3 or 4 times a week, and used maternity pilates dvds. I felt pretty good and looked pretty good. Now I am walking around 2 1/2 months post partum looking like I'm still 3 months pregnant and holding onto 7-8 extra pounds of weight, all while nursing (which burns up to 600 calories a day!) and working out/running 2-3 times a day AND trying to eat mindfully. What gives?!

I feel like with all I've been doing, the weight should be falling off. But it's not :( I know it's only been 2 1/2 months, I should give myself some time, blah blah blah.. But I am just so impatient. And with Avery, it didn't take nearly this long. I'm ready to have my body back! I could understand it if I hadn't been doing anything, but I have. I have been doing a lot.  I just want to feel confident again and not have to worry about the shirt that I'm wearing making me look fat. I want to wear a bikini again to the beach.

I think part of the pressure to look good comes from our society. The media and our culture tells us that we have to look a certain way in order to be beautiful. Part of my insecurity comes from the fact that I am a woman; we put a lot of pressure on ourselves. And then another part comes from the fact that my husband is a badas*. I have to keep up with him, or at least try to...that's what I tell myself anyways.

I am hopeful that eventually I will be satisfied with the way that I look. I enjoy working out, I really do. As long as I enjoy it, I will keep at it as much as possible. Working out has been my drug for the last 4 years, ever since I had Avery. It boosts my mood and makes me feel accomplished at the end of the day. I like being healthy and feeling good. I like seeing my body change, even if it is a slow process. I enjoy pushing myself to the limit to see how far my body can go. I guess that's one reason I've decided to run a half marathon in the fall. Or maybe it's because I'm crazy. But mostly I think it's because my husband has done SO much for me to be proud I want to do something to make him, and everyone else, proud of me. My turn to shine!

So I will work as hard as I have to in order to cross that finish line. I don't care about my times or placement. I just want to finish knowing that I did my very best and pushed my body as hard as it could go. No regrets.

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