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Saturday, November 12, 2011

undying love

A few nights ago Justin and I were lying in bed holding hands, facing each other in the dark, when he asked me: "If something happens to me while our kids are young, will you make sure they know how great I was?" It caught me off guard. We don't often talk about what if the worst happens, but it is ever on my mind. I told him yes, of course I would. Then after a moment of silence he said, "Tell them my job never meant more to me than they did. Tell them how much I really loved them, because they wouldn't know." At this point, I had a lump in my throat that wouldn't let me speak and tears were streaming down my cheeks, so I stayed silent. I didn't want him to know I was crying. After another minute he asked, "Did I make you upset?" "Yes" I said, "Why'd you do that?" "Sorry. I just had to get that out of the way." It took me a while to fall asleep after that, my mind kept going to dark places wondering what I really would do.

That's what being a military wife is. It's hard, it's painful, it's a life of sacrifices. It's having conversations that you don't want to have. It's wondering if you will have the chance to grow old with your beloved husband. It's hoping against hope that everything will turn out alright after all. It's soaking him up every minute that you can, because you're afraid those minutes are numbered.

I try not to think about deployments. The word makes me sick to my stomach. It fills me with dread and sadness. The thought of anything ever happening to my husband just brings tears to my eyes. I don't know how I could survive without him. I don't think I would want to. What would I tell our children? How could I sleep in our empty bed night after night? To lose your best friend, soulmate, other half, it must be an unbearable pain and emptiness. All I can do is love him now. And pray that he will be protected and come home safely to me in the end.

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