Friday, May 20, 2011

I love my husband!

God builds strength out of hard times. That's what I have to believe. I have to believe that through all of the difficulties, hard times, and adversity I have faced and will face in the years to come, that God is molding me into an amazing woman of character, integrity, and grit. That he is making me strong, independent, and faithful. That I am becoming unselfish, unyielding, unshakeable, unwavering. It is my prayer for him to make me reliable, dependable, wise, supportive. I have learned more than ever that I can't rely on my own strength and willpower. I can't keep myself strong enough to survive this lifestyle. Only God can. When I can't stand up on my own, how am I supposed to support my husband? But when I lean on God and depend on Him for all, then my husband can turn to me and lean on me for support and wise council and love.

My husband has to be selfish right now, I understand that. He has to depend on me for a lot. He is always gone or busy, always striving to reach his goals. He doesn't know how hard life is for me, because I can't tell him. Probably, he never will know. How could he really when he hasn't lived it? He hasn't walked this journey in my shoes. And I can't tell him. I can't share my heart with him a lot of the time. That's just the way it is for now. A lot of the time he is emotionally unavailable to me. When he is away and calls to talk to me, I have to choke back tears or cry silently so that he knows I am ok. He has to know that I'm ok. He has to know that he can count on me to be strong for him. He has to rely on me to take care of the home front. Because when I am happy and brave and independent, it makes it easier for him to focus and do his job. Deep down I may be sad, my heart may be breaking in two...but on the surface I plaster on a smile and keep moving forward. I take care of things, because I have to.

I am learning how important I am in my husband's life. I could make or break his career. I could throw a tantrum and insist he quit with all of this so that we can have an easy, normal life. And he would, because he is a good man and he wants me to be happy. But he would be miserable and his self esteem would be deflated. I could run around while he is away doing whatever I wanted: spending money, cheating emotionally or physically. It does get lonely. I could run off and leave him. Sometimes I think that would be the easy way out. Or I can be as supportive as possible. I can be uplifting and encouraging, and loving. I can treat him with respect and adoration. I can tell him how proud I am and remind him of how far he's come. No one knows my husband the way that I do. No one can pray for him the way that I can. No one can help him and be there for him the way that I can. I am the most important person in his life, as he is in mine.

Someone recently said to me that the woman sets the tone of the home. Wow! What an awesome responsibility, what an honor! That is amazing and scary at the same time. Sure I have bad days, I am not perfect and never claim to be; rather, I will tell anyone who asks just how imperfect I really am. But I try hard to be a good wife, a friend and help mate to my husband. I want him to want to come home. I want our home to be his sanctuary, his special place of comfort. I want him to look forward to seeing me. I want him to be thankful for such a great, understanding wife. So I try. I try to set a good tone in our home :)

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