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Tuesday, May 31, 2011

America the Beautiful!

This Memorial Day weekend held so much meaning for me, more than ever. Sunday at church they did the presentation of colors with the drums and the flags, it moved me to tears. Anything patriotic, anything about the military, touches me so deeply. I have always had a heart for the military, even as a young girl. It would seem that even then, God was preparing my heart for what lay ahead. Is He great or what?

I just have such pride in my heart. Pride for my amazing husband, who has given up so much to pursue his dream of protecting this nation at the highest level. Pride for fellow military members, who risk their lives and sometimes make the ultimate sacrifice for their country. Pride for our awesome nation, so great and free. Pride for myself, all the sacrifices I have made and will continue to with (hopefully) a good attitude. Pride for military spouses all over the world, giving up their other half for the sake of freedom. I am so proud! This pride touches me so deeply that it makes me misty eyed every time I hear the national anthem, watch the American flag waving in the wind, listen to my daughter say the Pledge of Allegiance, or see a military member in uniform. These things touch my very soul. I have always been proud to be an American, but now more than ever.

I hope that people can see and remember that freedom comes with a price: a lonely birthday, anniversary, or Christmas; a weary wife sleeping in an empty bed; a child wondering when her daddy will ever come home; an American flag-laden casket returning to U.S. soil with a true hero laying inside; a grief-stricken wife who wonders how she can keep on living without her soul mate. All of these sacrifices and so many more. Please never forget. Don't forget those who have lost their lives protecting you; don't forget their loved ones who mourn their loss every single day. Remember our military, support our men and women in uniform, reach out to their families with love and support. And pray for them. Thank them. Because they are the reasons we can live as we do.

Friday, May 20, 2011

I love my husband!

God builds strength out of hard times. That's what I have to believe. I have to believe that through all of the difficulties, hard times, and adversity I have faced and will face in the years to come, that God is molding me into an amazing woman of character, integrity, and grit. That he is making me strong, independent, and faithful. That I am becoming unselfish, unyielding, unshakeable, unwavering. It is my prayer for him to make me reliable, dependable, wise, supportive. I have learned more than ever that I can't rely on my own strength and willpower. I can't keep myself strong enough to survive this lifestyle. Only God can. When I can't stand up on my own, how am I supposed to support my husband? But when I lean on God and depend on Him for all, then my husband can turn to me and lean on me for support and wise council and love.

My husband has to be selfish right now, I understand that. He has to depend on me for a lot. He is always gone or busy, always striving to reach his goals. He doesn't know how hard life is for me, because I can't tell him. Probably, he never will know. How could he really when he hasn't lived it? He hasn't walked this journey in my shoes. And I can't tell him. I can't share my heart with him a lot of the time. That's just the way it is for now. A lot of the time he is emotionally unavailable to me. When he is away and calls to talk to me, I have to choke back tears or cry silently so that he knows I am ok. He has to know that I'm ok. He has to know that he can count on me to be strong for him. He has to rely on me to take care of the home front. Because when I am happy and brave and independent, it makes it easier for him to focus and do his job. Deep down I may be sad, my heart may be breaking in two...but on the surface I plaster on a smile and keep moving forward. I take care of things, because I have to.

I am learning how important I am in my husband's life. I could make or break his career. I could throw a tantrum and insist he quit with all of this so that we can have an easy, normal life. And he would, because he is a good man and he wants me to be happy. But he would be miserable and his self esteem would be deflated. I could run around while he is away doing whatever I wanted: spending money, cheating emotionally or physically. It does get lonely. I could run off and leave him. Sometimes I think that would be the easy way out. Or I can be as supportive as possible. I can be uplifting and encouraging, and loving. I can treat him with respect and adoration. I can tell him how proud I am and remind him of how far he's come. No one knows my husband the way that I do. No one can pray for him the way that I can. No one can help him and be there for him the way that I can. I am the most important person in his life, as he is in mine.

Someone recently said to me that the woman sets the tone of the home. Wow! What an awesome responsibility, what an honor! That is amazing and scary at the same time. Sure I have bad days, I am not perfect and never claim to be; rather, I will tell anyone who asks just how imperfect I really am. But I try hard to be a good wife, a friend and help mate to my husband. I want him to want to come home. I want our home to be his sanctuary, his special place of comfort. I want him to look forward to seeing me. I want him to be thankful for such a great, understanding wife. So I try. I try to set a good tone in our home :)

Friday, May 13, 2011

you're worth it

As hot tears roll down my face
I long to feel your strong embrace
To hear you say I'll be alright
On this long and lonely night

Your things are scattered all around
Yet you're nowhere to be found
Everything so quiet, so still
Sadness tests my strength of will

How can I live without my best friend?
The lonely days seem to never end
I miss you so when you're away
But in my heart you always stay

When you're gone I feel alone
And our house is not a home
Because my home is where you are
Sometimes near, sometimes far

You truly are my other half
You are the one who makes me laugh
From you I draw strength and love
You are my gift from above

I adore you more every day
My love for you is here to stay
You are the only man I need
I will follow where you lead

I love you most my dear, sweet man
And I know God has a plan
As long as I'm with you
Let Him do what He must do

While you're gone I will yearn
For the day of your return
To hear you laugh, see your smile
To have you with me for a while

I know our time will surely fly
Until we say our next goodbye
I remind myself it's not forever
Just another storm to weather

Through the heres and theres I'll wait
Through the ups and downs I'll wait
I'll cry, I'll hurt, I'll do it again
I'll do it all for my sweet man

Because you're worth it

Friday, May 6, 2011

life of love

Usually when my husband leaves me I am overcome with all sorts of emotions; dread, anxiety, depression. But this time feels different. I don't feel any of those things, only sadness and exhaustion. I'm not sure why this change has occurred, maybe I am getting used to the goodbyes? Or maybe my heart is just too tired to feel so much pain so frequently. Maybe my heart is trying to protect itself by masking all of those horrible emotions with exhaustion.

I do miss my husband, though. My eyes are tired from crying for his absence. My heart feels sad and lonely, and I would give anything to give him a hug. When he is here, the best part of my day is when he walks through the door; I look forward to it all day long! When he is away, I feel like I don't have anything to look forward to. My sweet man is nowhere to be found. My heart says, this life is too hard. The goodbyes, the separations, the absence of my soul mate time and time again.

But my head is telling me that I don't really have it that bad. My husband will be back. In four short weeks, he will be back in my arms. I know that he is safe, I know that he is looked after. He has a great job that he loves, and he provides for our family. When my heart feels too overwhelmed, too empty, too alone, my head rushes to its aid. My head picks my heart off the floor and dusts it off. My head reminds my heart how very blessed I am. I have a love that very few people get to experience in their lives. I have a husband who is worth waiting for. I have a stable, good man who is my best friend ever. I have a gift, a love that is so special. And if I have to go for months at a time alone, at least it is worth it. At least I have a life full of love.