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Tuesday, April 26, 2011

such great loss..

Recently a family member of mine lost her husband, who was in the military. To protect her privacy I won't go into details right now, but for some reason this loss has effected me greatly. Every single day I think of her and cry, weep even. I have said so many prayers for her and cried so many tears. It is just devastating and so, so sad. I'm not sure why this loss has touched me so personally, seeing as though I never actually met her or her husband. Maybe because it has made me think about my life and about the possibility of that happening to me. How would I ever recover from a loss like that? What would I do? Would I stay here in California where I love it so much or go back home to my family? Would I stay in bed for weeks at a time not able to face life without my husband or would I be strong, move on, recover, and thrive? Could I really raise kids on my own? Continue a pregnancy on my own? Give birth on my own? And if I were to ever lose Justin, would I remarry? I cannot imagine ever falling in love again after loving and suffering so. Would all of my military friends still remember me or would I be forced back into the civilian world? Would I seek counseling or bury all of my pain deep inside? How would a loss like this effect my children?? If I lost my husband, how would I generate income? Would I have to leave my sacred and beloved position as stay-at-home mom and go to work full time in my husband's place? If I did date, what would my children think? My precious children. How would they cope without their father, such an important figure in a child's life?

Should I have a plan for "just in case" or am I supposed to wait and see what happens? Am I supposed to just hope for the best? Let's face it, once my husband completes this training he will be a warrior through and through. He will be placed in dangerous and sometimes near impossible situations. Am I prepared for that? Can anyone be prepared for that?

What has happened to my relative has impacted me greatly. It has forced me to think about things that I always try to push out of my head. About things that are not pretty and easy, but hard and messy. About things that I'm not sure I am ready to confront. I can only pray for my husband's safety, and trust that God will look after him. And that He'll take care of me, too.

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