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Sunday, March 20, 2011

home, sweet home

Basically, going back "home" is just really painful now. Every time I'm there, I'm painfully aware of how different things are...different yet the same. My parent's divorce was recently finalized. It makes me sad to know that our family will (probably) never be whole again. To go back and see that our hometown looks exactly the same, makes me so glad that I am no longer there.

It is also hard for me to make the transition from being in a house full of my beloved family and friends to coming back here to Cali where it's just me and my daughter all the time. It is sad and lonely! A house full of people feels so right to me, so homey and comfortable. I thrive in the chaos, I drink it in. Here it is just my daughter and myself a lot of the time, every now and then my husband, and sometimes a friend or two. Not what I'm used to. I need more kids!

Visits with my family are always wonderful, I adore spending time with them. Apart from my daughter and husband, they mean more to me than anything on this earth. They're my support system, my cheerleaders, my well wishers and best friends. But the sinking, lonely, homesick feeling that I get when I leave them almost makes me wonder if it is all worth it. To rip myself from them again and again, it's so hard!

Virginia is not my home anymore, I am smacked in the face with that realization every time I go back to visit my family. None of my things are there. Our apartment is not there, our car isn't there. I have moved on. I have broadened my horizons. California is my home now. I have friends here. A residence. I have a church here. We have a new life and it is here. Most importantly, my husband is here. And my home is wherever he goes.

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