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Monday, February 21, 2011

goodbye my love

In the days leading up to my husband's departure, no matter if he will be gone days, weeks, or months, I always feel a deep sadness. That's the only word I have for it, sadness. I know the lonely days and nights that lie ahead and I don't want to endure it! I spend the couple of days before he leaves holding back tears with all my might. I hate to cry in front of my husband. I don't want him to see me as weak or needy. I try to wait until I have a moment by myself. While I'm taking a shower; or standing at the sink washing dishes staring out the window, thinking about the hard times ahead as tears splash into the soapy dish water. I struggle to hold in the sadness and just smother him with love. The days before he leaves usually hold extra kisses, hugs, and "I loves you's", as though I'm trying to make up for the time we will be apart. In the days before he leaves I usually feel closer to him than ever, I want to just glue myself to him. I don't want him out of my sight for a second! Those days always feel to me sweet and sad.

The closeness that I feel to my husband before he leaves me make it much more difficult to say goodbye. If only I could detach from him, physically and emotionally, it would be much easier to part ways and move forward without him (temporarily)! I try to do this, to give myself pep talks about how it won't really be that bad, I don't really need him around to be fulfilled and happy. But they're lies, all lies. The more I tell myself that everything will be just fine, the more I know it's not true.

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