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Sunday, February 27, 2011

the pain of loving you

I have been thinking a lot about my marriage recently. My relationship with my husband has changed so drastically over the last year. We have been through so much! He joined the military which has been hard, but also a huge blessing. I believe the Navy saved our marriage in a sense. Our entire first year of marriage was a big struggle for me. We had a lot of fights that resulted in me packing my bags and heading to my mother's. We were completely reliant on other people. We lived with his mother and grandmother. Neither of us had very much direction and we both felt like we had no purpose in life. I was not happy, and I know he wasn't either.

Now, my husband has a great job that he truly enjoys. He is providing for his family which makes him feel fulfilled and important. We live on our own, pay our own bills, raise our daughter on our own. We make our own decisions. We are now functioning parts of society! We are grown ups! We are independent. Being so far away from the rest of our family has also strengthened our marriage because we are all each other has. We have to rely only on each other now. We are finally our own little family.

The journey we have embarked on for the last year, and are still on now, has bonded us together like nothing else could have. I have watched my husband grow and change in such positive ways. I have supported him. I have given up things for him. I moved across the country for him. We are a team, we work together and we need each other. I have been separated from him, and realized how very in love I am with him.

The absence from my husband is very difficult, naturally. I believe that marriage is, or should be, a very important and strong relationship. I believe that when a man and woman get married, God joins you together and creates a bond that can never completely be broken. The separations of course are difficult, but I am grateful for them. Grateful because when I am apart from him, I'm painfully aware of how much I love this man and need him in my life. Even though my heart feels like it is broken while my husband is away, I know that the pain is there because I love him. Therefore, I am grateful for the pain. I try to embrace it. If I did not hurt when we are not together, then I would be worried.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

sadness

Every time that my husband leaves me, whether for a few days, a few weeks, or a few months, I go through some kind of mourning. Usually this phase lasts anywhere from a few days to a few weeks. During this time I experience a deep depression, almost as if he had died. I have a great sense of loss and loneliness. Being around his things is very difficult and I can barely walk into our bedroom. During this time, I have a knot in my stomach and am always at the brink of tears. A few nights were even spent on the couch covered in itchy red hives just from the stress of it all.

After the mourning is over, I start to feel a bit better. Instead of being sad and depressed for days and days, it comes to me more in waves. Like when I have been gone all day then walk into the empty, dark apartment at night and sit in silence. Or on the weekends when I just don't have anything to do. While he is away, I am always missing him. I am always sad, there are just different levels of sadness that I experience.

The main thing that helps me while my husband away is just staying in the Word. Reading encouraging Bible verses or listening to uplifting music. Exercising helps me a lot too, it makes my mind clear and gets those endorphins going to boost my mood. Friends also help, soo much! I am very thankful to have a great group of friends. It helps to fill the evenings with activities so that I am not just sitting here alone after my daughter goes to bed. Because that gets really lonely..

Monday, February 21, 2011

goodbye my love

In the days leading up to my husband's departure, no matter if he will be gone days, weeks, or months, I always feel a deep sadness. That's the only word I have for it, sadness. I know the lonely days and nights that lie ahead and I don't want to endure it! I spend the couple of days before he leaves holding back tears with all my might. I hate to cry in front of my husband. I don't want him to see me as weak or needy. I try to wait until I have a moment by myself. While I'm taking a shower; or standing at the sink washing dishes staring out the window, thinking about the hard times ahead as tears splash into the soapy dish water. I struggle to hold in the sadness and just smother him with love. The days before he leaves usually hold extra kisses, hugs, and "I loves you's", as though I'm trying to make up for the time we will be apart. In the days before he leaves I usually feel closer to him than ever, I want to just glue myself to him. I don't want him out of my sight for a second! Those days always feel to me sweet and sad.

The closeness that I feel to my husband before he leaves me make it much more difficult to say goodbye. If only I could detach from him, physically and emotionally, it would be much easier to part ways and move forward without him (temporarily)! I try to do this, to give myself pep talks about how it won't really be that bad, I don't really need him around to be fulfilled and happy. But they're lies, all lies. The more I tell myself that everything will be just fine, the more I know it's not true.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Friends!

When you're a military wife, there are two types of friends: military, and civilian. Both types can be very beneficial in helping you maintain your sanity.

The military friends are great to have, because they are the women who understand you and your lifestyle completely. They are strong, brave women who will always have your back; who will listen to you cry and not think less of you for it; who will babysit when you need a break; who will celebrate wedding anniversaries, birthdays, valentine's days with you in your spouse's place. Your military friends are like a stand-in family; they play the role of therapists and prayer partners; they are kindred spirits. They lift you up when you are feeling down.

The civilian friends have a different dynamic. Because they simply cannot comprehend what you've been through, your relationship with them is a bit lighter. They're the ones you joke with; they're the ones you call to catch up with on a night when you're home alone. Your relationship with your civilian friends will not be on the level of your military friendships. It's just not possible. There are just huge parts of your life/marriage that they can never understand or know. Sometimes it is so nice to get away from the military life, though, if even for a few moments.. that's what your civilian friends are for. They help you to not take life so seriously. They are like a breath of fresh air.

Either way, friends--military or civilian--are a necessity. They keep you sane and grounded. I have wonderful friends, and do not know what I'd do without them! Wonderful, strong, talented, amazing women!