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Thursday, January 20, 2011

Until the End of Time

You never leave me
Every day I feel You
Everywhere I see You:
In the trees, ocean, sky

In my darkest moments
You reached me
You saved me from myself
You turned my sadness to joy

In the hard times
I know You are there
I feel You more than ever
As You take my hand
And lead me to the light

God, You are so faithful
You always come through
Over and over again
Until the end of time
I know I can lean on You

When I feel invisible
You remind me who I am
You show me how much I'm loved
I know You have a plan
Just for me

I feel Your voice whisper
Straight to my heart:
"You matter. You're Mine.
I love you, daughter.
Until the end of time."

I just wrote this poem, it's about how I have felt God the last few years.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Shift of control

The stress factor of this lifestyle is very, very high. Throughout my husband's training every single day is just a big question mark. Will he continue on, be rolled back to another class, or even dropped from the program altogether? It is a lot of pressure on him, and on us as a family. It seems as though the test he has to pass this week will determine our future. But is our future really dependent on the passing of one single test? Is our future really that unknown and insecure? I think not.

I have to remind myself (daily) that God is in control of it all. If He wants my husband to succeed and make it through this training, then he'll make it. If He has another plan for us, then that too will be revealed in due time. Although our future seems to hang in the balance, it really is all planned out for us. This whole situation has gotten me thinking and made me realize that we have a choice here: we can worry ourselves to death (literally) and wonder what will become of us; or we can relax and trust in the plan that God has for us. We can plan the future that our flesh wants, which will surely lead to disappointment anyways; after all, does anyone's life ever go according to plan? But He doesn't need our help. He just wants us to loosen our grip on our big plans and tighten our grip on His big hands! And then I had another thought: the decision to trust Him, really trust Him and His plans, is not one that you make just once; it is a daily, if not hourly, choice that must be consciously made and lived out. This year, I want to hand over the reigns and just let my Father deal with it all :)

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Running with love

I love running, like love. Running is very therapeutic and, in a strange way, relaxing to me. When I go for a long run it gives me a chance to daydream and make plans for the future; sometimes I think about things and sort them out; a lot of times I talk to God, and still other times I don't think at all. When I am angry, I like to run. It gives me a chance to clear my head and calm down; put things into perspective. When I am sad, I like to run. Who doesn't feel better after a good sweat and when those endorphins kick in? Running feels natural to me, when I go for a jog I feel like I'm doing something I was made to do. Humans have been running for our entire existence. Sure we run now more for recreation and exercise rather than for protection as our ancestors did, but it's the same concept. My legs were made for running.

Recently I have begun running with my two-year-old daughter. I strap her into her jogging stroller and off we go. Sure I can't run as far and the stroller makes it a lot more difficult. But I have come to cherish this time with her. Every day during the week we jog to the park to play, then jog back home. She enjoys this time as much as I do. I know that I will always remember my daily runs with her, and when she is grown I will wish to have just one more jog with my sweet little girl.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Happy New Year!

A new year has begun...hard to believe! 2010 was a tough year for my little family. My husband and I were apart for 5 months this year. That's a lot of absence. He missed our second wedding anniversary as well as our daughter's second birthday. However, this has been a big year for him! He's accomplished a lot! He went to and graduated boot camp. He completed pre-BUD/s as well as half of BUD/s (the rest remains to be seen). He survived hell week! That is a big accomplishment in itself!

2010 was a big year for me also. I broke through my two year struggle with depression. I started this blog, and became an avid runner. Avery and I went through a lot of changes together. We moved in with my mom when Justin left. We lived in Great Lakes for two months. We got to see the city of Chicago and play on the beaches of Lake Michigan! We also went for our first plane ride together (and second, and third)! We flew cross-country three times this year! I packed up all of our belongings, directed the movers, struggled through airports with heavy bags and a toddler, found my way around a huge new city, set up home in a new apartment. All on my own :) I moved away from my family for the first time in 2010 :( I am learning to live without them in a sense. I'm more independent than ever. My husband and I got our first place together in 2010. We "visited" our family for Christmas, that was a first. It was hard to leave them :(

2010 has been full of so many changes for my family! I will say, it has been a hard year. But also a rich one! I feel happy to close out 2010 and welcome 2011 with open arms. This too will be a year full of many firsts and changes. But how can it not be; as long as you're alive, things will change.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Bye, family

I had a great visit with my family over the holidays! Two wonderful weeks to spend with them. I am grateful for that time, and am so glad to have them to go "home" to. The older I get, the more I appreciate and love my big family. I used to wish I was an only child all the time. Now I can't imagine what that would be like, and don't want to! How lonely and dull! I feel sorry for people who don't have any siblings because they have missed out on a special bond. I love my younger sisters & brother so much. I'm glad we are so close. It's awesome to have someone's back and to know they will always have yours. I truly have a great support system.

My parents are wonderful, I have the best mom ever! She has taught me so much, more than anyone else in my life really. She's a woman of patient acceptance and understanding. And I always thought my dad was the smartest man alive, still do. He has taught me numerous things about plants and the outdoors! Whenever I want to know something nature-related I always think "I wish my dad was here!"

There's something about a big family that is so special. Maybe because it's a rarity in our day and time. Let's face it, kids are expensive! But I hope to have a big family of my own one day, full of natural and adoptive children. Yes, I want to adopt when I am older. To me, it doesn't make sense not to. Family is the most important thing to me in the world. They're the people who know me best, forgive me most, love me unconditionally! They don't expect anything from me, other than to be loved and accepted in return. Family. What a marvelous word.

My visit with my family was wonderful, but it was so hard to say goodbye. As glad as I am to be back in warm California, I can't help but to wish I was back with them. The ones who love me no matter what. In this moment I find myself wondering how I will ever be content with living so far from them.