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Wednesday, November 24, 2010

hello, goodbye

The military lifestyle is very emotionally draining. The goodbyes and reunions can be so exhausting! I suppose that's why sometimes I find myself struggling in my marriage. I love my husband very much and I know that he loves me, too. And I trust him. That's the foundation of every good relationship. However, sometimes I catch myself sort of drifting away. Cutting myself off emotionally & mentally. I try to create distance between my husband and myself, because I know soon I will just have to say goodbye again. In a few months he'll be gone for 5 weeks, with no communication.

It's easier in so many ways to distance myself from him and become more independent so that the goodbye won't hurt so much or be so traumatizing. I can't cling to my husband for emotional strength because he will not always be here for me to cling to. I don't always have him to lean on for support and encouragement. I guess my heart's way of protecting itself is to shut down little by little. I go through this cycle over and over. First we reunite. We are so happy to be back together, I laugh with him, cry to him, cuddle with him on the couch. Then I start to think about him leaving and realize soon I will be alone again. My heart turns colder. I make smart-alike remarks, stop bearing my soul to him, and by the time he leaves we are each on our own end of the couch. That's just the way I cope. We don't fight. We don't argue. Maybe he doesn't even notice that I am going through this at all. But I am. I am slowly closing down inside...one day at a time.

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