It's easier in so many ways to distance myself from him and become more independent so that the goodbye won't hurt so much or be so traumatizing. I can't cling to my husband for emotional strength because he will not always be here for me to cling to. I don't always have him to lean on for support and encouragement. I guess my heart's way of protecting itself is to shut down little by little. I go through this cycle over and over. First we reunite. We are so happy to be back together, I laugh with him, cry to him, cuddle with him on the couch. Then I start to think about him leaving and realize soon I will be alone again. My heart turns colder. I make smart-alike remarks, stop bearing my soul to him, and by the time he leaves we are each on our own end of the couch. That's just the way I cope. We don't fight. We don't argue. Maybe he doesn't even notice that I am going through this at all. But I am. I am slowly closing down inside...one day at a time.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
The military lifestyle is very emotionally draining. The goodbyes and reunions can be so exhausting! I suppose that's why sometimes I find myself struggling in my marriage. I love my husband very much and I know that he loves me, too. And I trust him. That's the foundation of every good relationship. However, sometimes I catch myself sort of drifting away. Cutting myself off emotionally & mentally. I try to create distance between my husband and myself, because I know soon I will just have to say goodbye again. In a few months he'll be gone for 5 weeks, with no communication.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
I'm really struggling these days. I feel like I live in a constant state of frustration. My days are a steady blur of cleaning, changing diapers, cooking, cleaning...all whilst listening to a whining, complaining toddler. The terrible twos have come into our home and taken over! My daughter rarely does more than whine, complain, and say "NO!" Nothing is ever good enough for her now. I can never do anything right it feels like! I just feel aggravated and cranky most of the time. Which leads to me feeling like a bad mom, a bad wife, a bad friend. It's all a vicious cycle! I never get a chance to step out of the Mom role. I never get to be just a friend. Just a woman. I am always playing Mommy. No one knows how exhausting this is until they have done it on their own 24/7. Exhausting mentally, physically, emotionally. I know I should embrace this time in my daughter's life, before I know it she'll be starting school...but it's hard to enjoy most of the time when I feel like nothing more than a servant. Always at her beck and call. I am always trying to think of new things for us to do, but usually come up empty. When it comes down to it, it's easier to just stay home rather than deal with a rambunctious toddler out in public. Ack, I need help...
Friday, November 12, 2010
I love my husband dearly
I know he loves me, too
But we have a different marriage
It's not just "me" and "you"
You see, my husband has a mistress
Though not of flesh and blood
Ever demanding of his time
As she drags him through the mud
She wears a robe of gold and navy
Her eyes shine like the sea
She's a driving force to my man
That I could never be
In the early hours of the morn
She calls him from our bed
She keeps him from our home all day
While tears of loneliness fall from my head
At times I respect this mistress
At others merely tolerate
She has brought us much good
But it's her, too, that I hate
Perhaps she knows my husband
Better even than I
For she's his constant companion
He never leaves her eye
And so I take the backseat
To this military life
Because right now the mistress
Must come before the wife
by: me :)
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Well we are in California at last! I thought it would never happen but here we are, across the country from all our family. It is a strange, sad feeling. It feels lonely sometimes. But I am very thankful for the few Navy spouses I know here. Tremendously helpful to have someone who can relate! And of course I'm happy to be near my husband again. Three months is a long time to be apart!
Avery is getting reacquainted with her daddy. It has taken her about a week, but she's finally coming around. She's still stuck up my rear end 24/7 though. Haha, I guess this is what happens when you're a stay-at-home mom. She's hit the terrible twos full force the last couple of weeks though. Whining & complaining all the time! Nothing is ever good enough for her! Man the patience it takes to deal with an ornery toddler. It makes me tired just thinking about it! I fall into bed every night utterly exhausted: mentally, physically, emotionally. I hear the word "NO" screamed at me in my dreams...or should I say nightmares ha.
So back to California...I really do love it here so far. Coronado is just simply gorgeous. Avery loves it also. She calls the palm trees "coconut trees" haha. And we take walks every day looking at flowers. We found a park to go to and the beach when it's hot enough. A plus is the warmer weather. It's nice to be wearing shorts & sandals while it's snowing back home ;)