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Saturday, September 18, 2010

our mind is our main battle field...

When I first learned I was pregnant I was first of all shocked. I was only 19, I had been dating my now husband off-and-on for a couple of years. I was at a crossroads. I wanted to go on mission trips, I longed to just help people and make a difference. I wanted to matter. My parents had just separated. Nothing in my life was going right. This began my two year battle with depression. Here are some of the emotions I experienced during that time.

Depression: My entire pregnancy I felt so sick and tired. This aided in my depression. For a good two weeks in the beginning I was so sick I couldn't get out of bed even to take a shower. I didn't care about anything or anyone. I dropped out of school. I quit talking to all of my friends, I stayed at home on the couch most of the time. Someone could have walked in and held a gun to my head and I would have told them to pull the trigger. At the time I thought I felt this way because I was just so sick...but looking back on that time, I realize that this was the beginning of my nearly two-year long depression. It's not easy for a teenager to be thrown into being a wife and expectant mother suddenly, while all her friends are out doing teenage things. It's been one of the most difficult experiences of my life.

Failure: I felt like a complete failure when I found out I was expecting. I felt like I had failed all of my hopes and dreams, I felt like I had failed my parents. Most of all, I felt as though I'd failed God. By disobeying Him I severely altered the direction my life would take, affecting who knows how many people. When I dropped out of school, I felt like an even bigger failure. I was just too sick to go, and I didn't know what I wanted to do anyways. I threw myself into my job, working 40 hours a week. Working made me feel somewhat fulfilled. It made me feel useful.

Resentment: Perhaps the most powerful emotion I have felt, and certainly the most difficult one for me to conquer. I resented Justin for a lot of things. I blamed him for getting me pregnant; ridiculous, I know. I know it takes two, but at the time I suppose I was just looking for someone to blame. Living with my in-laws was frustrating, and I resented Justin for that too. I also resented my baby, even before she was born. I was angry that she took my youthful selfishness and freedom away from me. I was angry that she took over my body for those 9 months (and the few months that I nursed). I resented her because everything, every decision, every conversation, every thought became about her instead of me. People wanted to see her, not me. I was a selfish person.

Frustration: I was very frustrated for the last two years. I was frustrated from having to wake up all night and feed a screaming baby. I was frustrated not having my own home to take care of. It made me frustrated to not properly take care of my family, cooking meals for them and keeping our home clean and nice. I was frustrated because instead of spending my time out with friends, I was now at home all the time with my daughter who I loved but resented. I wanted my freedom back. I felt like I missed out on my teenage/young adult years and it made me angry!

Insignificant: I felt like I no longer mattered, I had lost my purpose in life. I decided that my dreams and goals didn't matter any longer, it was time to push those aside and focus solely on my daughter. I wasn't working or going to school, I didn't have any hobbies. Since I had quit talking to my friends while I was pregnant, I had no one to spend time with outside of family. I spent my days changing diapers, fixing bottles, doing laundry, and crying alongside my daughter. I didn't feel important. I didn't feel like I was contributing to my family or society or anything. I was lost. When we went out somewhere, people were looking at my pregnant belly or my beautiful daughter rather than at me.

All of these are emotions I have finally dealt with and put behind me. God has finally healed my heart and helped me to accept my circumstances. He is teaching me not to exist but to LIVE! He still has a purpose for me, He didn't make me to screw up and do nothing...He made me to screw up, learn and grow from it, move forward, and use my experiences to help others. Since I was delivered from all of these things about a month ago, I have felt better than ever :) God is the Master Healer. I'm sharing all of this because I can now, I'm not ashamed for the things I felt. I know I was wrong to feel all of these things, but I am better now! I am happy now. I am not just a mom, I am a woman who can still dream and accomplish things! I hope that somehow sharing my struggles can help others.

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