Saturday, September 11, 2010

harsh times..

This whole week has been difficult, but today has been the worst of all. This is the saddest & loneliest I have felt since I left my husband over a month ago. Things are getting tougher for him now, which means things are tougher for me also. Plus not getting to speak to him as much is hard :( Feeling helpless as he endures all kinds of physical & mental beat-downs and frustrated as I am not able to help him in any way.

I hate weekends, too. He gets a break and gets to go out with his friends. I feel like I am missing out, stuck here across the country from him in this stupid little town that I despise. I know this is super selfish and I would never, ever tell him I feel this way. He has to have his own life of sorts, he has to get out and take a break from it all. I understand that, I get it. I'm not complaining about that. If anything, he certainly deserves a night to go out and watch a movie or do whatever with his friends. Just wish I could be there too :(

Then I feel frustrated because I know he doesn't get how difficult all this is for me, which means he can't appreciate my pain & my sacrifices. I hide it all from him, because he has to see me as his strong wife who can handle anything. He doesn't see my pillow soaking wet with tears, he can't feel the ache in my heart or comprehend the stresses and pressure I am under. He can't feel me being pulled in a million directions at once. He doesn't know the loneliness I feel when I see other couples while I'm by myself. He can't imagine how hard it is to raise a cranky toddler on your own. He doesn't know, he can't know. My shoulders are heavy from carrying all of this weight and burden by myself. Every time I talk to him I cry, but I have learned to keep the tears out of my voice so he has no idea. I save my tears for when I am alone. He can't see me be weak. I want to tell him all of this and more, but I can't. Now is not the time. Right now, I have to be his strong other half who supports him and pushes him forward. I have to be positive all the time, encouraging always.

God help me..

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