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Wednesday, September 8, 2010

getting down to the nitty gritty...

Well hubby is getting into the hard stuff now with his training. I truly cannot believe what he is being put through, mentally and physically! But he perseveres and is hanging in there! It says a lot for his character. I am so beyond proud of him!!

I always knew it would be hard for me to hear about all the things he'd be going through, we expected this training to be intense. But I never knew just how hard it would really be, and how badly it would make me feel.

For one, I feel so sad. When he tells me all the things they are going through, the beat-downs, the harsh words, the physical difficulties...it brings tears to my eyes! My poor husband, having to endure all that! And his poor, tired body!

And then, I feel guilty. I feel bad because I am here with the comforts of home and family, while he is in unfamiliar places with people barking orders at him left and right. When I want to sit on the couch and watch tv, I will do it. When I want to eat, I will. I get to sleep in a comfy bed for as long as my internal clock and daughter allow :) But my poor hubby doesn't even remember what a couch feels like, he hasn't slept in his own bed in months. He can't kiss our daughter whenever he wishes or watch her learn and grow. I am able to do all that, I'm able to actually enjoy life. It makes me feel so guilty, it's unfair really.

Then I feel like I don't deserve all this, I don't deserve to be comfortable and happy while he is out there working his butt off (literally!). It's just not right. My difficulties are insignificant compared to his.

And of course there's the need to help him. Us women are always wanting to help and make things better, take care of our men. I wish there was more I could do. Honestly, a few encouraging words and "I love you's" every day don't feel like enough. And the guilt comes back, because there's nothing more I can do than offer verbal comfort and encouragement. I can't even give my husband a hug :(


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