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Wednesday, September 29, 2010

waiting, waiting...

I have been having a hard time the last couple of weeks. Seems like I am developing some sort of a pattern here... The first month I am separated from my precious husband, I feel really good for the most part! I feel encouraged & refreshed, I guess because I have just been able to spend some time with him. I am positive and looking forward to the future, excited even. Then the second month rolls around and I get frustrated, moody, impatient, just sick to death of waiting around. It's the waiting that kills me. I am in this phase at the moment. I'm ready to see my husband and I'm ready to see him now.

The whole thing about training to become a SEAL are the unknowns. Each day is a huge question mark, you just never know what can happen to push the training back: injury, sickness, getting dropped from the program for one reason or another. And if the training gets pushed back then my move gets pushed back, which means I have to wait longer to see my husband :( Sometimes I feel like shouting "It's not fair!" to anyone who will listen. Sometimes I feel like punching the daylights out of someone. It is just HARD to never know what will happen to you and your family, it's hard to not have a secure, safe future. It takes a toll on you, all the waiting. All this is for us right now is a big waiting game. Always waiting for something. It almost makes you feel like you're wishing your life away..

Saturday, September 18, 2010

our mind is our main battle field...

When I first learned I was pregnant I was first of all shocked. I was only 19, I had been dating my now husband off-and-on for a couple of years. I was at a crossroads. I wanted to go on mission trips, I longed to just help people and make a difference. I wanted to matter. My parents had just separated. Nothing in my life was going right. This began my two year battle with depression. Here are some of the emotions I experienced during that time.

Depression: My entire pregnancy I felt so sick and tired. This aided in my depression. For a good two weeks in the beginning I was so sick I couldn't get out of bed even to take a shower. I didn't care about anything or anyone. I dropped out of school. I quit talking to all of my friends, I stayed at home on the couch most of the time. Someone could have walked in and held a gun to my head and I would have told them to pull the trigger. At the time I thought I felt this way because I was just so sick...but looking back on that time, I realize that this was the beginning of my nearly two-year long depression. It's not easy for a teenager to be thrown into being a wife and expectant mother suddenly, while all her friends are out doing teenage things. It's been one of the most difficult experiences of my life.

Failure: I felt like a complete failure when I found out I was expecting. I felt like I had failed all of my hopes and dreams, I felt like I had failed my parents. Most of all, I felt as though I'd failed God. By disobeying Him I severely altered the direction my life would take, affecting who knows how many people. When I dropped out of school, I felt like an even bigger failure. I was just too sick to go, and I didn't know what I wanted to do anyways. I threw myself into my job, working 40 hours a week. Working made me feel somewhat fulfilled. It made me feel useful.

Resentment: Perhaps the most powerful emotion I have felt, and certainly the most difficult one for me to conquer. I resented Justin for a lot of things. I blamed him for getting me pregnant; ridiculous, I know. I know it takes two, but at the time I suppose I was just looking for someone to blame. Living with my in-laws was frustrating, and I resented Justin for that too. I also resented my baby, even before she was born. I was angry that she took my youthful selfishness and freedom away from me. I was angry that she took over my body for those 9 months (and the few months that I nursed). I resented her because everything, every decision, every conversation, every thought became about her instead of me. People wanted to see her, not me. I was a selfish person.

Frustration: I was very frustrated for the last two years. I was frustrated from having to wake up all night and feed a screaming baby. I was frustrated not having my own home to take care of. It made me frustrated to not properly take care of my family, cooking meals for them and keeping our home clean and nice. I was frustrated because instead of spending my time out with friends, I was now at home all the time with my daughter who I loved but resented. I wanted my freedom back. I felt like I missed out on my teenage/young adult years and it made me angry!

Insignificant: I felt like I no longer mattered, I had lost my purpose in life. I decided that my dreams and goals didn't matter any longer, it was time to push those aside and focus solely on my daughter. I wasn't working or going to school, I didn't have any hobbies. Since I had quit talking to my friends while I was pregnant, I had no one to spend time with outside of family. I spent my days changing diapers, fixing bottles, doing laundry, and crying alongside my daughter. I didn't feel important. I didn't feel like I was contributing to my family or society or anything. I was lost. When we went out somewhere, people were looking at my pregnant belly or my beautiful daughter rather than at me.

All of these are emotions I have finally dealt with and put behind me. God has finally healed my heart and helped me to accept my circumstances. He is teaching me not to exist but to LIVE! He still has a purpose for me, He didn't make me to screw up and do nothing...He made me to screw up, learn and grow from it, move forward, and use my experiences to help others. Since I was delivered from all of these things about a month ago, I have felt better than ever :) God is the Master Healer. I'm sharing all of this because I can now, I'm not ashamed for the things I felt. I know I was wrong to feel all of these things, but I am better now! I am happy now. I am not just a mom, I am a woman who can still dream and accomplish things! I hope that somehow sharing my struggles can help others.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

without you our house is not a home...

While I was at the park today swinging Avery, I had a moment of sadness :( While we were swinging a young family came over to swing also. The dad pushed his son while the mother held the baby. This scene was literally like a slap in the face. As I was standing there watching them, I began to wonder. Will my husband ever be around? Will he be able to teach our kids about sports? Will I always be the one taking our children to the park, will I be cheering alone from the bleachers? Will our children look back on their childhood and have many memories of their father? Are we ever going to be able to do things, like play at the park, as a family?? So many questions, no answers. I guess we will just have to make the best of the time we do have.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

harsh times..

This whole week has been difficult, but today has been the worst of all. This is the saddest & loneliest I have felt since I left my husband over a month ago. Things are getting tougher for him now, which means things are tougher for me also. Plus not getting to speak to him as much is hard :( Feeling helpless as he endures all kinds of physical & mental beat-downs and frustrated as I am not able to help him in any way.

I hate weekends, too. He gets a break and gets to go out with his friends. I feel like I am missing out, stuck here across the country from him in this stupid little town that I despise. I know this is super selfish and I would never, ever tell him I feel this way. He has to have his own life of sorts, he has to get out and take a break from it all. I understand that, I get it. I'm not complaining about that. If anything, he certainly deserves a night to go out and watch a movie or do whatever with his friends. Just wish I could be there too :(

Then I feel frustrated because I know he doesn't get how difficult all this is for me, which means he can't appreciate my pain & my sacrifices. I hide it all from him, because he has to see me as his strong wife who can handle anything. He doesn't see my pillow soaking wet with tears, he can't feel the ache in my heart or comprehend the stresses and pressure I am under. He can't feel me being pulled in a million directions at once. He doesn't know the loneliness I feel when I see other couples while I'm by myself. He can't imagine how hard it is to raise a cranky toddler on your own. He doesn't know, he can't know. My shoulders are heavy from carrying all of this weight and burden by myself. Every time I talk to him I cry, but I have learned to keep the tears out of my voice so he has no idea. I save my tears for when I am alone. He can't see me be weak. I want to tell him all of this and more, but I can't. Now is not the time. Right now, I have to be his strong other half who supports him and pushes him forward. I have to be positive all the time, encouraging always.

God help me..

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

getting down to the nitty gritty...

Well hubby is getting into the hard stuff now with his training. I truly cannot believe what he is being put through, mentally and physically! But he perseveres and is hanging in there! It says a lot for his character. I am so beyond proud of him!!

I always knew it would be hard for me to hear about all the things he'd be going through, we expected this training to be intense. But I never knew just how hard it would really be, and how badly it would make me feel.

For one, I feel so sad. When he tells me all the things they are going through, the beat-downs, the harsh words, the physical difficulties...it brings tears to my eyes! My poor husband, having to endure all that! And his poor, tired body!

And then, I feel guilty. I feel bad because I am here with the comforts of home and family, while he is in unfamiliar places with people barking orders at him left and right. When I want to sit on the couch and watch tv, I will do it. When I want to eat, I will. I get to sleep in a comfy bed for as long as my internal clock and daughter allow :) But my poor hubby doesn't even remember what a couch feels like, he hasn't slept in his own bed in months. He can't kiss our daughter whenever he wishes or watch her learn and grow. I am able to do all that, I'm able to actually enjoy life. It makes me feel so guilty, it's unfair really.

Then I feel like I don't deserve all this, I don't deserve to be comfortable and happy while he is out there working his butt off (literally!). It's just not right. My difficulties are insignificant compared to his.

And of course there's the need to help him. Us women are always wanting to help and make things better, take care of our men. I wish there was more I could do. Honestly, a few encouraging words and "I love you's" every day don't feel like enough. And the guilt comes back, because there's nothing more I can do than offer verbal comfort and encouragement. I can't even give my husband a hug :(


Tuesday, September 7, 2010

"Autumn"

Leaves begin to turn
From green to gold, orange and red
The mountains are painted with color

Air becomes crisp and cool
You can feel change all around
Birds start flying south

Pumpkins grow fat and orange
Picked by excited children
Taken home to carve and light

Fall festivities take place
With food and games and rides
To welcome and celebrate autumn

Nights are cool, days are warm
We awake to a frost blanket
Shining and white and cold

Our wardrobes rearrange
Out come our cozy sweaters
Goodbye to our summer gear

We'll see you next year, summer
For now we shall enjoy
Our cool, colorful autumn

**this is just a simple poem i wrote one night about my favorite season, fall :)

Friday, September 3, 2010

so long, my sailor

Life as a military wife definitely has it's rough spots. Constant packing and moving, lonely nights, sadness and sometimes depression. But the hardest of all these difficulties for me would be the goodbyes. I absolutely hate the goodbyes. =( Once you get past that part you start to adjust to being without your spouse, you get into some kind of routine and it gets a little easier every day. But the goodbye and parting ways is definitely the hardest.

I cannot stand to watch my husband say goodbye to our baby girl. It brings tears to my eyes every single time. This last time we parted ways, I had to walk outside...I just can't do it! I remember before he left for boot camp in the spring, one night I found him sitting on our bed flipping through Avery's baby book. Until then I had stayed strong and hadn't shed a single tear. But in that moment all the tears I'd been holding back just came spilling out! Seeing him sitting there holding that book with tears rolling down his face was like a knife being stabbed into my heart. I just hate for him to feel like he's missing out on her life. And I know that she misses her daddy while he is away. It's just hard all around.

My husband and I both hate goodbyes, so usually ours are very fast. We just like to get it over with, kind of like ripping off a bandaid so it won't hurt as badly. There are always tears from both parties but I always try to save most of mine for after he has left. I don't like him to see me upset, I want him to see me as a strong, brave woman he can count on. The most difficult part of this moment is watching him walk away...that always, always breaks my heart. I just want so badly to reach out and pull him back to me. But I can't, and I won't. I will just watch him leave, say a prayer, and look forward to our reunion.