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Thursday, July 8, 2010

oh man...



As I sit here and listen to Avery whine and cry about how she doesn't want to go to bed, she wants to come see mommy...I decide that I definitely am NOT ready for another baby. No sir! I have been trying to decide when we should have another. On one hand I feel like Ave needs someone to play with and I want my kids to be fairly close in age. Then moments like this occur and make me wonder if I want anymore at all?

It wouldn't be so bad if circumstances were different...very different. I'm a single mom 99% of the time right now. I don't think I could handle two, I can barely handle one. I have zero social life. My days are spent in a freakin' hotel room for crying out loud! With a toddler! My sanity is about to disappear completely. My daughter has now entered the super whiny, high maintenance phase of her toddlerhood. Spankings, scoldings, and tears are a regular occurrence for us these days....and the tears aren't coming just from her, believe me. Sometimes I feel like I can't continue on this way. I feel like I am being suffocated. In yet another small town in a small hotel room with a small child. Oh Lord help me! I know I should be counting my blessings, I know I have many....but right now is a time for venting.

Right now, as admittedly a few tears run down my face, I wonder what ever happened to my childhood dreams. Where did my life take such a different turn? I mean, I didn't plan on having kids until I was 30. HA, God knows how to shake things up doesn't He?! I guess He likes to keep us on our toes, doesn't like us to get too comfortable...because then we take things for granted. I hope He will provide me with enough patience and sanity at least to get my kids raised lol. Never knew how difficult it was until I had Avery. WOW! I appreciate my parents now more than ever.

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