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Wednesday, July 28, 2010

"Lost Innocence"

I'm reminded of words that came my way
"What's done is done" and "nothing gold can stay"

As leaves change on mountains,
As ice forms slowly over fountains

So our lives will change
So priorities fade and rearrange

We find out who we are
We stop wishing on a star

Dreams are made and broken
Outrageous wishes become unspoken

Our once petite shoulders
Become heavy with boulders

Naivety becomes pain
Our selfishness is our gain

Real world is not so fun
We rarely see a battle won

Life can bring such grief
Like a slowly fading leaf

And the more we grow
The less we wish we didn't know

Because nothing stays the same
Not one person, not one game

So long to childish innocence
As we succumb to common sense

We were at one time so pure
And we were once so sure

That love is everywhere
When we didn't have a care

Some memories never fade
To be a child what I would trade

I wrote this poem one day as I was thinking of Avery growing up and eventually losing all of her childish purity and innocence. It is a sad but necessary part of life; this is only my interpretation.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

for pity's sake.....

With this kind of lifestyle, it is very easy to feel sorry for yourself. I have been through a lot, but I have also overcome a lot. I'm only 21, a stay-at-home mom with virtually no social life. My days are spent changing diapers, doing dishes, fixing meals. While friends go out shopping and dancing I stay home alone. We don't have much money. My husband is gone 95% of the time. My daughter has a terrible temper and is hitting her terrible-twos. My patience runs thin, I get sick of the whining, and I have a good cry almost every day. But I desperately try not to feel sorry for myself. I fight it with everything in me, like a boxer trying to win a match. I hate pitying myself and I cannot stand when people pity me. For me, it is a huge sign of weakness to feel sorry for yourself. I am healthy, my daughter is healthy, my husband is healthy. We may not be together much but the moments I do get with my hubby are such treasures because of it. We are blessed enough to live in this amazing, free country. I have an awesome family and support system. I have a God who loves, forgives, and takes care of me. I may not have all that I want, but I surely have all that I need. I don't live in the dirt, I don't go hungry. My daughter is well fed and taken care of. She gets to enjoy her childhood instead of slaving away in fields or taking care of herself, scrounging for food.

Yes my life is hard, that is for sure. But I am not going to feel sorry for myself. I have too much to be thankful for.

Monday, July 26, 2010

game faces!

So the countdown is ticking on, and rather quickly. Only one more weekend left with my sweet husband. Only two weeks until the hubby begins one of the most difficult journeys of his life. He will be put to the test mentally and physically his next phase of training and like they say "he ain't seen nothin' yet." I just hope he's ready. I know he can do it, I have complete faith in him. I truly feel like he was born to do this. All I can do is stand strong and support him. I will be holding him up when he can no longer stand on his own, urging him on when he feels like giving up. Time to put our game faces on.

It is amazing what the last few months have done for us individually and for our marriage. We have both matured so much. The Navy has saved our marriage. The separation has taught us (me especially) not to fuss and fight and get angry over small trivial things. It's so not worth it. The time that we do have together is too precious to spend upset. And besides, I love this man with all my heart and I know I will spend the rest of my life adoring and supporting him...when you put it into perspective, why do you fight at all? My hubby and I are a team, us against the world. As long as we remember that, we will be alright. I love him more than ever. I am so unbelievably proud of him, proud to be his wife, proud to stand beside him. He is a good man through and through. It's an amazing feeling to be able to trust someone.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

so frustrating...

Well, didn't get to see the hubby today. I had it all planned, trip to the grocery to get dinner things then head over to the base to pick him up. When am I ever going to learn to quit making plans... As Ave and I were leaving the store, hubby calls and says they have a meeting, to wait about an hour then come get him. So we disappointedly came back to our hotel room. 3 hours later he texts and says the meeting is over. By now Ave is bathed and in bed, and I'm headed that way soon myself. I am so frustrated! I feel like I have a love/hate with the Navy. They've enhanced our lives in many ways but they don't think at all about the ones sitting at home in situations like this. The ones who have dinner planned. The ones who have to end up eating that dinner alone, while choking down tears. I'd like to cuss them all out really good once or twice. I think that would make me feel a little better.

On another note, I feel so tense. How can a person want the days to zoom past and slow way down at the same time? Excitedly mark days off the calendar yet get sad at how few are left? And yet, that's the frame of mind I am in right now. I'm so anxious to be with family and friends at last, save up some money, be in familiar surroundings where Ave and I can spread out again. But I dread leaving this place at the same time. I know I will miss hubby so much. I almost feel guilty leaving here before he does. While I'm gone, who will cook him meals? Make sure he takes his vitamins? Buy foods that he likes? Give him foot massages and back rubs? Hug him and tell him he's doing a great job, he will make it for sure? Am I selfish for leaving?

Oh the emotional roller coaster that comes with being a Navy wife..

Sunday, July 18, 2010

times that try the soul..

Another weekend gone, what a shame =( They just go too fast!!

That being said, I have only two more weekends left with my hubby. I know I shouldn't count down, only treasure the moments that we do have but I can't help it. That's just how I work. I feel like I am always counting down to something or counting up to something...or dreading something. That's one emotion that will wear you thin, dread. I dread leaving my husband, I know that our daughter and I will miss him terribly. Thinking about the lonely nights, long empty days and yearning for a hug from the love of my life...it just makes me cry. A phone call in the evenings simply isn't good enough. I feel like your subconscious affects you more than you'd like to admit. These feelings of dread and sadness and even anxiety to get our departure and tearful goodbyes over with...these feelings affect me daily. In little ways, like irritability. Snapping at my hubby and daughter for no reason. Trying to harden my heart against him so that it cannot be broken. I guess all of these things are my subconscious ways of protecting myself. Funny how we work against ourselves sometimes..

At times I get mad at the Navy for taking my husband from me. Because they have taken him, he's not mine anymore but theirs. Property of the United States of America. Oh I am proud of him and what he is doing, but that's besides the point. I miss the days when I fell asleep beside of my hubby every night and woke to see his face first thing every morning. That's what the Navy has taken from me. Sweet moments that I can never get back.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

so weary...

Well, I am blogging right now because I can't go to sleep. This is getting a little ridiculous. I never used to have trouble sleeping! And now it's like my brain is so full of things I have to do, blah blah blah...that I can't stop thinking long enough to fall asleep! Even though I am so exhausted. Right now I am really sad...all the time lately. I just dread having to say goodbye to my husband. I try to be positive and look forward but UGH! People can't be positive all the time!

I just think about what our month or so apart will be like. Yea my nights are lonely now but at least I have the promise of seeing him tomorrow. When I leave here, I won't have that anymore. All I'll have is a daily phone conversation...I don't even like talking on the phone. And I know Avery is going to ask for her daddy every single day, many times a day. She gets worried every time he leaves her sight, I can tell she's afraid we will be separated from him again. And we will, many many times in the years to come. But she doesn't know that. She is just so happy when the three of us are together. She will touch each of us and say "Mommy, Daddy" so sweetly...and get the biggest grin on her pretty little face. I know she's young and kids are super resilient & forgiving. But what about me? She bounces back much faster than I do. She doesn't have the stresses that I do, the responsibilities and the concerns. She doesn't feel the depression, the loneliness that creeps in to take my husband's place. Oh what I would give to switch places with her sometimes. To be the carefree, happy child.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

oh time, won't you just slow down?

Does anyone ever wish life just had a pause button? I find myself wishing for one often. Only a few precious weeks left with my husband before we are forced to be separated yet again. I'm starting to get that panicky feeling, like I just need to soak him in and spend every second that I can with him. I just look at him and get sad, because I know in a few weeks my life will be empty again. God I love that man, with everything in me. He is truly my other half in every way. But enough of the mushy stuff...

Been looking for places in San Diego, the next stop on our exciting Navy journey. Don't know how long we will be there, just have to play it by ear...so I'm thinking another extended-stay hotel would be our best option. With two bedrooms this time.

My husband really has the best sense of humor, that is the main thing that attracted me to him (well, other than his good looks of course). We were coming back from dinner tonight and saw a middle-aged couple in a super nice restored older vehicle (I'm such a girl, I don't even remember the make of the car..just that it was pretty lol). So anyways, we are looking at it and talking about how nice it is when he turns to me and says "Let's just stop with Ave. She can be an only child." I know what he is thinking...the fewer the kids, the more toys for Daddy lol. Of course he was kidding....sort of :p

I'd like a big family but not the way I'd first envisioned it. If our next one isn't a boy, we will try again. After that I'm done having kids of my own, but I would like to adopt. Not babies, I could live without another baby haha. But I'd like to adopt maybe toddlers, or elementary school age. The ones that are less likely to get adopted, but need so much love & nourishment. I feel like there are too many kids out there without families, it's just not right. And we have so much to give them...or at least we will in about ten years, when I plan for all of this to take place. Right now I admit we don't have a lot to offer. But one day we will!!

Monday, July 12, 2010

oh monday, glad to see you go :D

Well I have decided that Ave and I will go back home to VA for the month of August. I still go back and forth wondering if we should stay or go...but I feel this is the best decision for us. There are a few reasons why. For one thing, going back will save us about $800 bucks. And to us that is a lot of moolah!! For another thing, that will give the hubby his last week here to really focus on his training and work extra hard. Ave and I may be a little of a distraction to him while we are here, we like to hog him all to ourselves =/ So back to VA we will go! I already dread saying goodbye to my hubby, I get teary thinking of it!

It's amazing how feelings and thoughts hit you sometimes out of nowhere. Today Ave was sitting in the recliner with Justin sharing chex-mix, I was sitting on the couch watching a tv show. And out of the blue I just got really sad and almost cried. I started thinking about how Hubby and I really get each other, more than I ever thought possible. No one understands me the way he does. I can't even be my true self with anyone other than my husband. I started to think about how much I will miss his sense of humor and goofing off with him. We can be so goofy together. I thought about how much I will miss being myself. I will miss my partner in crime.

One thing that I have decided about this military lifestyle...saying goodbye never gets any easier. No matter how many times you've been forced to say it before, no matter how long/short the amount of time before you see one another again. Saying goodbye is tough. Every time you say it, your heart breaks a little. BUT the reunion is so very worth it :)

Sunday, July 11, 2010

another weekend behind us =/

well it's that time again. time for another wonderful weekend to come to a close and another long, lonely week to begin. I always have trouble transitioning after having the hubby staying the night with us all weekend...then going back to our routine, basically living our separate daily lives. I always leave that Navy base Sunday nights with tears in my eyes and an ache in my chest. I know I'll be seeing him tomorrow, but it's the nights that are the loneliest. I despise going to bed without my other half here...I actually put going to bed off as long as I can most nights. I find things to do, like blog, watch tv, read. I just dread it. the bed is so dang empty without him in it =/ plus when my love is here I just feel safer. oh well, sleeping alone is definitely something I will have to get used to.

Friday, July 9, 2010

A poem I wrote...."Navy Bride"

Struggles, sacrifices, fears
All the pain and all the tears

Always homesick, always lonely
I do it for my one and only

I will always support his dream
Even when I want to scream

Feeling unseen, pushed aside
As I continue on this ride

All my work's behind the scene
I cook, change diapers, wash and clean

I'm the backdrop in the play
The anchor that holds our home at bay

I wash and iron uniforms
But together we brave all life's storms

Maybe not in body, but always in heart
Nothing on earth can keep us apart

He wears combat boots, I prefer heels
He defends our freedom, I fix the meals

I am by his side until the end
As I leave behind home, family, friend

I know this lifestyle will never be breezy
But nothing worthwhile ever comes easy

My heart is so full of love and pride
I'm so glad to be a Navy bride

To think of it, I feel so blessed
To have a love that's put to the test

Of distance, hardship, and disdain
We will conquer, our love will remain

Thursday, July 8, 2010

oh man...

As I sit here and listen to Avery whine and cry about how she doesn't want to go to bed, she wants to come see mommy...I decide that I definitely am NOT ready for another baby. No sir! I have been trying to decide when we should have another. On one hand I feel like Ave needs someone to play with and I want my kids to be fairly close in age. Then moments like this occur and make me wonder if I want anymore at all?

It wouldn't be so bad if circumstances were different...very different. I'm a single mom 99% of the time right now. I don't think I could handle two, I can barely handle one. I have zero social life. My days are spent in a freakin' hotel room for crying out loud! With a toddler! My sanity is about to disappear completely. My daughter has now entered the super whiny, high maintenance phase of her toddlerhood. Spankings, scoldings, and tears are a regular occurrence for us these days....and the tears aren't coming just from her, believe me. Sometimes I feel like I can't continue on this way. I feel like I am being suffocated. In yet another small town in a small hotel room with a small child. Oh Lord help me! I know I should be counting my blessings, I know I have many....but right now is a time for venting.

Right now, as admittedly a few tears run down my face, I wonder what ever happened to my childhood dreams. Where did my life take such a different turn? I mean, I didn't plan on having kids until I was 30. HA, God knows how to shake things up doesn't He?! I guess He likes to keep us on our toes, doesn't like us to get too comfortable...because then we take things for granted. I hope He will provide me with enough patience and sanity at least to get my kids raised lol. Never knew how difficult it was until I had Avery. WOW! I appreciate my parents now more than ever.

The Universe Is Laughing - The Guggenheim Grotto

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

My first blog!

I have had a rough week so far. Well, actually a rough year. Starting off with parent's divorce. Continuing with the hubby leaving me for boot camp...

Now that was hard, much harder than I ever imagined. Think of it, he is here with me all the time then suddenly disappears with no communication. It's as though he was kidnapped for those 2 long months. But we survived it. We can survive anything. I really went through some kind of mourning during that time. Even thinking back on it makes me want to cry, I was just so miserable. I couldn't even walk into our bedroom without getting a lump in my throat and a knot in my stomach. Thank God Avery (my daughter) and I moved into my mom's shortly after the hubby left. I couldn't have stayed in that house without him there. I couldn't even look at his things! I even quit working out. For those who know me, this is a big deal. I work out every single day! But I just had no motivation to do anything. I was short tempered. I quit eating for a few weeks. Worst of all, I was lonely...so lonely.

But my husband's absence taught me many things. I am far more independent than I ever thought. Being a single mother is hard stuff, but I did it and am continuing to do it whenever he is away. I have a lot of responsibilities now...in a way, that makes me feel empowered. I feel proud of myself. I know that I'm too stubborn to ever let anything beat me. No sir, nothing can keep me down for long. I have too much to live for. I have also learned to treasure the people in your life, oh treasure the hell out of them. You never know when your time with them comes to an end. Our marriage is so strong now. I know we're young, but that doesn't mean we don't know what love and hardship are. We know. We feel them both every single day. I know this lifestyle won't ever be easy, but that's ok. My life never has been.