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Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Success?

Why does "success" have to be measured so materialistically? Many times in my life I've been made to feel as though I'm not a success because I don't work outside of the home, because I'm not bringing in any money, because I didn't finish school. I don't have any degrees other than a high school diploma, I am in fact a college dropout; but I'd rather not use a degree I don't have than not use one I do have like so many people I know. I don't work outside of the home, but I do work. Being a full time mother & housewife is WORK. And I don't bring in any income, but the precious moments spent with my daughter are more payment than I could ever ask for.

We don't own our own home. We live in a ridiculously overpriced, small apartment. But we love it there, it's our home. For now. We don't have a fancy luxury vehicle, but we don't need one. Our car is great on gas, dependable, and can fit a car seat in the back. That's all we need. We don't have all of the latest technological gadgets & video games, but who needs that. It's better to get outside and play in the sunshine anyways. I'd rather mold play-doh with my daughter, or color a picture. Or read a good book :) Yes, we live paycheck to paycheck. But my life has always been this way. It doesn't bother me. We have food, a place to live, a car to drive, clothes to wear. My family is healthy. I know that we will be provided for. My husband makes an honest, honorable living serving our country. I'm not famous or known by a lot of people, but I have a few very close friends who I love dearly & can share anything with. I would rather have a few close ones than multitudes of distant ones. I love God and try to honor him with my life, and am teaching my daughter to do the same.

Sounds like a pretty successful life to me..

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

hello, goodbye

The military lifestyle is very emotionally draining. The goodbyes and reunions can be so exhausting! I suppose that's why sometimes I find myself struggling in my marriage. I love my husband very much and I know that he loves me, too. And I trust him. That's the foundation of every good relationship. However, sometimes I catch myself sort of drifting away. Cutting myself off emotionally & mentally. I try to create distance between my husband and myself, because I know soon I will just have to say goodbye again. In a few months he'll be gone for 5 weeks, with no communication.

It's easier in so many ways to distance myself from him and become more independent so that the goodbye won't hurt so much or be so traumatizing. I can't cling to my husband for emotional strength because he will not always be here for me to cling to. I don't always have him to lean on for support and encouragement. I guess my heart's way of protecting itself is to shut down little by little. I go through this cycle over and over. First we reunite. We are so happy to be back together, I laugh with him, cry to him, cuddle with him on the couch. Then I start to think about him leaving and realize soon I will be alone again. My heart turns colder. I make smart-alike remarks, stop bearing my soul to him, and by the time he leaves we are each on our own end of the couch. That's just the way I cope. We don't fight. We don't argue. Maybe he doesn't even notice that I am going through this at all. But I am. I am slowly closing down inside...one day at a time.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Exhaustion!!

I'm really struggling these days. I feel like I live in a constant state of frustration. My days are a steady blur of cleaning, changing diapers, cooking, cleaning...all whilst listening to a whining, complaining toddler. The terrible twos have come into our home and taken over! My daughter rarely does more than whine, complain, and say "NO!" Nothing is ever good enough for her now. I can never do anything right it feels like! I just feel aggravated and cranky most of the time. Which leads to me feeling like a bad mom, a bad wife, a bad friend. It's all a vicious cycle! I never get a chance to step out of the Mom role. I never get to be just a friend. Just a woman. I am always playing Mommy. No one knows how exhausting this is until they have done it on their own 24/7. Exhausting mentally, physically, emotionally. I know I should embrace this time in my daughter's life, before I know it she'll be starting school...but it's hard to enjoy most of the time when I feel like nothing more than a servant. Always at her beck and call. I am always trying to think of new things for us to do, but usually come up empty. When it comes down to it, it's easier to just stay home rather than deal with a rambunctious toddler out in public. Ack, I need help...

Friday, November 12, 2010

My Husband's Other Mistress

I love my husband dearly
I know he loves me, too

But we have a different marriage
It's not just "me" and "you"

You see, my husband has a mistress
Though not of flesh and blood

Ever demanding of his time
As she drags him through the mud

She wears a robe of gold and navy
Her eyes shine like the sea

She's a driving force to my man
That I could never be

In the early hours of the morn
She calls him from our bed

She keeps him from our home all day
While tears of loneliness fall from my head

At times I respect this mistress
At others merely tolerate

She has brought us much good
But it's her, too, that I hate

Perhaps she knows my husband
Better even than I

For she's his constant companion
He never leaves her eye

And so I take the backseat
To this military life

Because right now the mistress
Must come before the wife

by: me :)

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

California girls!

Well we are in California at last! I thought it would never happen but here we are, across the country from all our family. It is a strange, sad feeling. It feels lonely sometimes. But I am very thankful for the few Navy spouses I know here. Tremendously helpful to have someone who can relate! And of course I'm happy to be near my husband again. Three months is a long time to be apart!

Avery is getting reacquainted with her daddy. It has taken her about a week, but she's finally coming around. She's still stuck up my rear end 24/7 though. Haha, I guess this is what happens when you're a stay-at-home mom. She's hit the terrible twos full force the last couple of weeks though. Whining & complaining all the time! Nothing is ever good enough for her! Man the patience it takes to deal with an ornery toddler. It makes me tired just thinking about it! I fall into bed every night utterly exhausted: mentally, physically, emotionally. I hear the word "NO" screamed at me in my dreams...or should I say nightmares ha.

So back to California...I really do love it here so far. Coronado is just simply gorgeous. Avery loves it also. She calls the palm trees "coconut trees" haha. And we take walks every day looking at flowers. We found a park to go to and the beach when it's hot enough. A plus is the warmer weather. It's nice to be wearing shorts & sandals while it's snowing back home ;)

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

What you don't see with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth

-gossip makes its way around the world before the truth has time to pull its pants up-

Now isn't that the sad truth? Living in a small town, I have heard plenty of gossip & seen the damage that it can cause to individuals & their families. I used to be a part of the problem, waltzing around with my shallow "friends" talking about others & who has done what. I admit it. I am now working to become part of the solution. I am wondering, as you consider what is coming out of your mouth, if you would want people saying the same things of you and your family that you say about them? As you slander, gossip, and spread lies, do you think you are making God or anyone else proud of you? Do you think you are making yourself seem like a good, virtuous person full of integrity & love? Do you think that people enjoy hanging around people who talk about others all the time? Because let me be the one to tell you, if someone talks about others to you then she will surely talk about you to others. That's just the way this nasty game works.


Proverbs 20:19 - A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid a man who talks too much.

I serve a God who hates gossip. He abhors it, despises it, loathes it. As a matter of fact, there is proof of this in the Bible:

Proverbs 6:16-19 There are six things which the LORD hates, seven which are an abomination to Him: Haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, A heart that devises wicked plans, Feet that run rapidly to evil, A false witness who utters lies, And one who spreads strife among brothers.

See that? God hates a false witness. He hates a lying tongue. When you do something that God hates, woah! You better watch out!!

Proverbs 13:3
The one who guards his mouth preserves his life; The one who opens wide his lips comes to ruin.

I used to get mad when people talked about me and my family, maybe I still do somewhat. But for the most part I just feel pity for the fools flapping their jaws. They're the ones making themselves look like idiots, they're the ones in disobedience to God, they're the ones who can't be trusted. It's not up to me to get revenge, or to judge them. That part is up to God and He will do a far better job of it than I ever could!

Proverbs 20:19 He who goes about as a slanderer reveals secrets, Therefore do not associate with a gossip.
This small town is full of corruption & gossipers. I have always known that. I have been a victim of it, my entire family still is. I am happy to see my family getting out of here & I am overjoyed to be getting out myself. I will never be living here again, I know that. My daughter will not be brought up in a place such as this. All I can say is I have an awesome, mighty God on my side! The giver and taker of life, the truth-bearer! Who do you have? Because I'm God's daughter and He faithfully takes care of His children. For you gossipers, take heed! This is your warning, God is not happy with you!

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

just a moment in time .. .

I think tonight I shall go back to May and relive that wonderful day when I got to watch my husband graduate from boot camp. The ceremony itself was glorious, the military is like its own private, respected, disciplined world. The music & the colorful flags were my daughter's favorite part. Then there was the moment when my husband & his class finally marched into the auditorium & took their places. The anxiety & excitement beforehand led to me getting hives haha, I just could not wait to see my precious husband after two months of little communication!!

When I spotted him and our eyes met, words cannot describe that moment. I've heard in romance novels before that you lock eyes with your lover and the whole world disappears, no one else exists, time stands still. That's how it was at that moment. My husband was all I could see, nothing else mattered. And those few seconds felt like hours. With our eyes, we shared with one another all the pain the previous months had held and all the joy that day possessed. With our eyes in that special moment, we gave each other strength & love!
I carry that moment with me in my heart & I know that I will forever. I know that in times of sadness and loneliness, longing for my husband during long separations due to deployment...I will reach into the recesses of my heart and pull out that special moment. I will relive it, drawing comfort & love from the memory.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

happy birthday?

I have been a walking ball of emotion the last few weeks as I have planned my daughter's second birthday party. I didn't want to have a party at all because I knew my husband wouldn't be here to enjoy it with us. Last night I had somewhat of a melt down as I thought more and more about the special moments that the Navy has stolen away from us. I woke up this morning with swollen eyes, a heavy heart, but a steel resolve to give my daughter a happy birthday. I have been walking through a fog all day, feeling sad and disappointed..

During my daughter's party I was sitting alone and my husband texted asking about the party and wishing he could be there. I fought to maintain my composure but I admit there were a few tears. I am of course thankful for my daughter, I would be lost without her! I thank God for giving her to me two years ago today. I just wish her daddy had been here to celebrate with us. It just hurts my heart because I know he hates missing out on these precious moments. As much as the Navy has given to us, it has also taken a lot.

I try to focus on the positive, but sometimes I fail. Sometimes my emotions get the best of me. It is a daily struggle to hand everything over to God, make myself stop stressing and wishing the days away. It is a constant battle to live in the moment and enjoy each day to its fullest. But I try. My God, how I try...

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

waiting, waiting...

I have been having a hard time the last couple of weeks. Seems like I am developing some sort of a pattern here... The first month I am separated from my precious husband, I feel really good for the most part! I feel encouraged & refreshed, I guess because I have just been able to spend some time with him. I am positive and looking forward to the future, excited even. Then the second month rolls around and I get frustrated, moody, impatient, just sick to death of waiting around. It's the waiting that kills me. I am in this phase at the moment. I'm ready to see my husband and I'm ready to see him now.

The whole thing about training to become a SEAL are the unknowns. Each day is a huge question mark, you just never know what can happen to push the training back: injury, sickness, getting dropped from the program for one reason or another. And if the training gets pushed back then my move gets pushed back, which means I have to wait longer to see my husband :( Sometimes I feel like shouting "It's not fair!" to anyone who will listen. Sometimes I feel like punching the daylights out of someone. It is just HARD to never know what will happen to you and your family, it's hard to not have a secure, safe future. It takes a toll on you, all the waiting. All this is for us right now is a big waiting game. Always waiting for something. It almost makes you feel like you're wishing your life away..

Saturday, September 18, 2010

our mind is our main battle field...

When I first learned I was pregnant I was first of all shocked. I was only 19, I had been dating my now husband off-and-on for a couple of years. I was at a crossroads. I wanted to go on mission trips, I longed to just help people and make a difference. I wanted to matter. My parents had just separated. Nothing in my life was going right. This began my two year battle with depression. Here are some of the emotions I experienced during that time.

Depression: My entire pregnancy I felt so sick and tired. This aided in my depression. For a good two weeks in the beginning I was so sick I couldn't get out of bed even to take a shower. I didn't care about anything or anyone. I dropped out of school. I quit talking to all of my friends, I stayed at home on the couch most of the time. Someone could have walked in and held a gun to my head and I would have told them to pull the trigger. At the time I thought I felt this way because I was just so sick...but looking back on that time, I realize that this was the beginning of my nearly two-year long depression. It's not easy for a teenager to be thrown into being a wife and expectant mother suddenly, while all her friends are out doing teenage things. It's been one of the most difficult experiences of my life.

Failure: I felt like a complete failure when I found out I was expecting. I felt like I had failed all of my hopes and dreams, I felt like I had failed my parents. Most of all, I felt as though I'd failed God. By disobeying Him I severely altered the direction my life would take, affecting who knows how many people. When I dropped out of school, I felt like an even bigger failure. I was just too sick to go, and I didn't know what I wanted to do anyways. I threw myself into my job, working 40 hours a week. Working made me feel somewhat fulfilled. It made me feel useful.

Resentment: Perhaps the most powerful emotion I have felt, and certainly the most difficult one for me to conquer. I resented Justin for a lot of things. I blamed him for getting me pregnant; ridiculous, I know. I know it takes two, but at the time I suppose I was just looking for someone to blame. Living with my in-laws was frustrating, and I resented Justin for that too. I also resented my baby, even before she was born. I was angry that she took my youthful selfishness and freedom away from me. I was angry that she took over my body for those 9 months (and the few months that I nursed). I resented her because everything, every decision, every conversation, every thought became about her instead of me. People wanted to see her, not me. I was a selfish person.

Frustration: I was very frustrated for the last two years. I was frustrated from having to wake up all night and feed a screaming baby. I was frustrated not having my own home to take care of. It made me frustrated to not properly take care of my family, cooking meals for them and keeping our home clean and nice. I was frustrated because instead of spending my time out with friends, I was now at home all the time with my daughter who I loved but resented. I wanted my freedom back. I felt like I missed out on my teenage/young adult years and it made me angry!

Insignificant: I felt like I no longer mattered, I had lost my purpose in life. I decided that my dreams and goals didn't matter any longer, it was time to push those aside and focus solely on my daughter. I wasn't working or going to school, I didn't have any hobbies. Since I had quit talking to my friends while I was pregnant, I had no one to spend time with outside of family. I spent my days changing diapers, fixing bottles, doing laundry, and crying alongside my daughter. I didn't feel important. I didn't feel like I was contributing to my family or society or anything. I was lost. When we went out somewhere, people were looking at my pregnant belly or my beautiful daughter rather than at me.

All of these are emotions I have finally dealt with and put behind me. God has finally healed my heart and helped me to accept my circumstances. He is teaching me not to exist but to LIVE! He still has a purpose for me, He didn't make me to screw up and do nothing...He made me to screw up, learn and grow from it, move forward, and use my experiences to help others. Since I was delivered from all of these things about a month ago, I have felt better than ever :) God is the Master Healer. I'm sharing all of this because I can now, I'm not ashamed for the things I felt. I know I was wrong to feel all of these things, but I am better now! I am happy now. I am not just a mom, I am a woman who can still dream and accomplish things! I hope that somehow sharing my struggles can help others.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

without you our house is not a home...

While I was at the park today swinging Avery, I had a moment of sadness :( While we were swinging a young family came over to swing also. The dad pushed his son while the mother held the baby. This scene was literally like a slap in the face. As I was standing there watching them, I began to wonder. Will my husband ever be around? Will he be able to teach our kids about sports? Will I always be the one taking our children to the park, will I be cheering alone from the bleachers? Will our children look back on their childhood and have many memories of their father? Are we ever going to be able to do things, like play at the park, as a family?? So many questions, no answers. I guess we will just have to make the best of the time we do have.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

harsh times..

This whole week has been difficult, but today has been the worst of all. This is the saddest & loneliest I have felt since I left my husband over a month ago. Things are getting tougher for him now, which means things are tougher for me also. Plus not getting to speak to him as much is hard :( Feeling helpless as he endures all kinds of physical & mental beat-downs and frustrated as I am not able to help him in any way.

I hate weekends, too. He gets a break and gets to go out with his friends. I feel like I am missing out, stuck here across the country from him in this stupid little town that I despise. I know this is super selfish and I would never, ever tell him I feel this way. He has to have his own life of sorts, he has to get out and take a break from it all. I understand that, I get it. I'm not complaining about that. If anything, he certainly deserves a night to go out and watch a movie or do whatever with his friends. Just wish I could be there too :(

Then I feel frustrated because I know he doesn't get how difficult all this is for me, which means he can't appreciate my pain & my sacrifices. I hide it all from him, because he has to see me as his strong wife who can handle anything. He doesn't see my pillow soaking wet with tears, he can't feel the ache in my heart or comprehend the stresses and pressure I am under. He can't feel me being pulled in a million directions at once. He doesn't know the loneliness I feel when I see other couples while I'm by myself. He can't imagine how hard it is to raise a cranky toddler on your own. He doesn't know, he can't know. My shoulders are heavy from carrying all of this weight and burden by myself. Every time I talk to him I cry, but I have learned to keep the tears out of my voice so he has no idea. I save my tears for when I am alone. He can't see me be weak. I want to tell him all of this and more, but I can't. Now is not the time. Right now, I have to be his strong other half who supports him and pushes him forward. I have to be positive all the time, encouraging always.

God help me..

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

getting down to the nitty gritty...

Well hubby is getting into the hard stuff now with his training. I truly cannot believe what he is being put through, mentally and physically! But he perseveres and is hanging in there! It says a lot for his character. I am so beyond proud of him!!

I always knew it would be hard for me to hear about all the things he'd be going through, we expected this training to be intense. But I never knew just how hard it would really be, and how badly it would make me feel.

For one, I feel so sad. When he tells me all the things they are going through, the beat-downs, the harsh words, the physical difficulties...it brings tears to my eyes! My poor husband, having to endure all that! And his poor, tired body!

And then, I feel guilty. I feel bad because I am here with the comforts of home and family, while he is in unfamiliar places with people barking orders at him left and right. When I want to sit on the couch and watch tv, I will do it. When I want to eat, I will. I get to sleep in a comfy bed for as long as my internal clock and daughter allow :) But my poor hubby doesn't even remember what a couch feels like, he hasn't slept in his own bed in months. He can't kiss our daughter whenever he wishes or watch her learn and grow. I am able to do all that, I'm able to actually enjoy life. It makes me feel so guilty, it's unfair really.

Then I feel like I don't deserve all this, I don't deserve to be comfortable and happy while he is out there working his butt off (literally!). It's just not right. My difficulties are insignificant compared to his.

And of course there's the need to help him. Us women are always wanting to help and make things better, take care of our men. I wish there was more I could do. Honestly, a few encouraging words and "I love you's" every day don't feel like enough. And the guilt comes back, because there's nothing more I can do than offer verbal comfort and encouragement. I can't even give my husband a hug :(


Tuesday, September 7, 2010

"Autumn"

Leaves begin to turn
From green to gold, orange and red
The mountains are painted with color

Air becomes crisp and cool
You can feel change all around
Birds start flying south

Pumpkins grow fat and orange
Picked by excited children
Taken home to carve and light

Fall festivities take place
With food and games and rides
To welcome and celebrate autumn

Nights are cool, days are warm
We awake to a frost blanket
Shining and white and cold

Our wardrobes rearrange
Out come our cozy sweaters
Goodbye to our summer gear

We'll see you next year, summer
For now we shall enjoy
Our cool, colorful autumn

**this is just a simple poem i wrote one night about my favorite season, fall :)

Friday, September 3, 2010

so long, my sailor

Life as a military wife definitely has it's rough spots. Constant packing and moving, lonely nights, sadness and sometimes depression. But the hardest of all these difficulties for me would be the goodbyes. I absolutely hate the goodbyes. =( Once you get past that part you start to adjust to being without your spouse, you get into some kind of routine and it gets a little easier every day. But the goodbye and parting ways is definitely the hardest.

I cannot stand to watch my husband say goodbye to our baby girl. It brings tears to my eyes every single time. This last time we parted ways, I had to walk outside...I just can't do it! I remember before he left for boot camp in the spring, one night I found him sitting on our bed flipping through Avery's baby book. Until then I had stayed strong and hadn't shed a single tear. But in that moment all the tears I'd been holding back just came spilling out! Seeing him sitting there holding that book with tears rolling down his face was like a knife being stabbed into my heart. I just hate for him to feel like he's missing out on her life. And I know that she misses her daddy while he is away. It's just hard all around.

My husband and I both hate goodbyes, so usually ours are very fast. We just like to get it over with, kind of like ripping off a bandaid so it won't hurt as badly. There are always tears from both parties but I always try to save most of mine for after he has left. I don't like him to see me upset, I want him to see me as a strong, brave woman he can count on. The most difficult part of this moment is watching him walk away...that always, always breaks my heart. I just want so badly to reach out and pull him back to me. But I can't, and I won't. I will just watch him leave, say a prayer, and look forward to our reunion.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

it's not over 'til the fat lady sings!!

I'm sorry, but I just have to vent a little here. I absolutely abhor the media. They take small truths and twist them, expand them, obscure them until they aren't true any more. The war in the middle east, no matter what our wonderful media tells us, is not over. As long as our men and women are still over there fighting, that war is still going on. It will not come to an end until our troops have at last made it home! It must be like a slap in the face to all of our men and women who are still over there. Ooh makes me so mad!!

That begs the question: if we cannot trust the news for accurate news then who are we to turn to? How are we to know what is really going on in our world, our country? People, please do not believe everything just because it is on television! That does not make it true or accurate! Once we start surrendering our right to the truth of things and just believe everything that we see/hear, we are in big trouble.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

The Joy of the Lord is my Strength!

I am pleased to announce that finally, at the age of 21, I am beginning to learn not to base my happiness on people or circumstances. People fail and disappoint, and circumstances certainly do as well...I should know. My poor mother has been telling me this for years, and it is finally sinking in. Goes to show you, even though your kids act like they aren't listening...they really are =) That's encouraging!!

So like I was saying...the old me used to get upset so easily. I based my joy on people entirely too much. That's not fair to do to myself or to anyone else. People screw up, that's life. The only constant in life that does anything and everything for our own good is God. He is the only one we can find true joy and completion in. Upon realizing this and putting it into practice, I have found something truly remarkable: peace! The last couple of weeks I have felt better than ever, which is odd concerning my current situation. My husband is across the country from me, my daughter is hitting the terrible twos and having a horrid time with it, I am living at home with my amazing (LOUD) family, I have the sole responsibility of buying furniture and everything you need for a home, not to mention actually finding a home...across the country!! I should be stressed beyond belief, depressed, overwhelmed. But I'm not =) I feel awesome. I feel peaceful, serene, relaxed, joyful. And it's no person in my life giving me this indescribable joy...it's God.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

so serene

I feel surprisingly calm & peaceful. As a matter of fact, it's almost weird just how chill I really am right now! Haha! I just feel joyful, excited, most of all proud. So proud of my husband, his training is going awesome so far. I can feel the prayers working =) Of course I miss him, being across the country from my love really stinks. But I no longer feel depressed, or even sad. People have even commented on how well I am doing this time around. I only get to talk to the hubs at night before I go to bed, for 10-20 minutes. That's all I get alllll day. But even that doesn't upset me, I know he is busy, busy, busy and I try to keep myself occupied also. I suppose the peace comes from knowing that this is right where I am meant to be right now in this moment. This is what my husband was born to do, I really believe that. I believe we were made for each other, not many other women could put up with these circumstances. And one thing that gives me an all-encompassing peace: God will take care of us. I know he will provide us with a place to live. I know he will provide us with food to eat, clothes on our backs. I am living in the moment right now. That's what I have to do to stay sane, take it one day at a time...

Monday, August 16, 2010

oh, parents....

Why do parents have to be so lazy and selfish these days?? Don't they see the enormous disservice they are doing to their children?? So, so sad. Too many parents do not hold their children to high enough standards, they don't push them to be their best, they push their kids off on other people. And do you know why? They are lazy and selfish. I will push and encourage my children to learn all that they can learn, to succeed in life, to live fulfilled lives pleasing God. I put my daughter before myself in every decision that I make. I want her to be the best that she can be! That means having to say "no," reprimand, and discipline. It means being a mom, not a friend. It means teaching your kids to be respectful, giving, kind, intelligent, good citizens. Don't know where to start? How about something as simple as manners.

I'm sorry, but our world is going to spin downhill in a hurry if we don't get control of our kids. Parents: rise up and take your place!

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Everything happens for a reason...really?

I'm not one of those people who believes that "everything happens for a reason", I never have been. I think that things just happen. That's it. It's just what you choose to do that gives it a reason. Does that make sense? I think that people want to believe everything happens for a reason because it makes them feel better, that way when things go wrong have no fear...there is a reason for it. But I believe that things just happen, maybe because God allowed them to. Ultimately it is up to us to determine which direction our lives will take. When circumstances get hard, are you going to plant your feet and stop progressing? Or will you move on looking for that next open door? I hope and pray that my life is a series of steps forward, continuing on that lifelong journey to be the best woman, wife, mother, friend that I can be (with God's help). I never want to plant my feet and say "I've had enough! I quit!" Here's to perseverance! The next time something goes wrong, don't think to yourself "oh, everything happens for a reason." Instead, ask yourself what should be your next step.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Necessities for a Military Wifey

This is a list of a few things every military wife will want to keep on hand :)

1) Waterproof mascara. Can't hurt to be prepared, this stuff will always come in handy during the goodbyes, and the welcome homes.

2) Soft kleenexes. You never know when loneliness and depression will rear their ugly heads. It's always good to have a full supply of kleenexes to wipe those tears away and move on sista!

3) A journal. This may very well become your best friend during the days of separation between you and your loved one. In this special book, you can write whatever you want!! You can complain, you can rant and rave, you can write love letters to yourself or your man. You can brag on yourself and not feel guilty for doing so, you can record your hopes and dreams, your failures and disappointments.

4) Bible. In this book you will find the answers to all of your questions, but most of all you will find encouragement like none other.

5) Funny movies. Comedies are a must for those times when you just feel rotten. A good laugh can always make you feel better no matter what. Remember, 'laughter is good medicine' :)

6) Family & friends. It is always helpful to be near the ones you love, if possible. They can offer encouragement, love, and support in your times of struggle.

7) Time alone. Everyone could benefit from some good, quality alone time. Try to make time for it every day if you can. Whether you are reading, praying, listening to music, meditating, writing. I firmly believe that alone time is necessary for your mental and emotional health.

8) Exercise! It's always great to get up and move! Not to mention, exercise releases endorphins that seriously battle some depression. You want to feel good (and look good when your man gets home ;] ) you will get up and get active. Exercise so improves your quality of life and makes you just feel much better. Nothing like a good sweat session to get out all your frustrations.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

"Lost Innocence"

I'm reminded of words that came my way
"What's done is done" and "nothing gold can stay"

As leaves change on mountains,
As ice forms slowly over fountains

So our lives will change
So priorities fade and rearrange

We find out who we are
We stop wishing on a star

Dreams are made and broken
Outrageous wishes become unspoken

Our once petite shoulders
Become heavy with boulders

Naivety becomes pain
Our selfishness is our gain

Real world is not so fun
We rarely see a battle won

Life can bring such grief
Like a slowly fading leaf

And the more we grow
The less we wish we didn't know

Because nothing stays the same
Not one person, not one game

So long to childish innocence
As we succumb to common sense

We were at one time so pure
And we were once so sure

That love is everywhere
When we didn't have a care

Some memories never fade
To be a child what I would trade

I wrote this poem one day as I was thinking of Avery growing up and eventually losing all of her childish purity and innocence. It is a sad but necessary part of life; this is only my interpretation.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

for pity's sake.....

With this kind of lifestyle, it is very easy to feel sorry for yourself. I have been through a lot, but I have also overcome a lot. I'm only 21, a stay-at-home mom with virtually no social life. My days are spent changing diapers, doing dishes, fixing meals. While friends go out shopping and dancing I stay home alone. We don't have much money. My husband is gone 95% of the time. My daughter has a terrible temper and is hitting her terrible-twos. My patience runs thin, I get sick of the whining, and I have a good cry almost every day. But I desperately try not to feel sorry for myself. I fight it with everything in me, like a boxer trying to win a match. I hate pitying myself and I cannot stand when people pity me. For me, it is a huge sign of weakness to feel sorry for yourself. I am healthy, my daughter is healthy, my husband is healthy. We may not be together much but the moments I do get with my hubby are such treasures because of it. We are blessed enough to live in this amazing, free country. I have an awesome family and support system. I have a God who loves, forgives, and takes care of me. I may not have all that I want, but I surely have all that I need. I don't live in the dirt, I don't go hungry. My daughter is well fed and taken care of. She gets to enjoy her childhood instead of slaving away in fields or taking care of herself, scrounging for food.

Yes my life is hard, that is for sure. But I am not going to feel sorry for myself. I have too much to be thankful for.

Monday, July 26, 2010

game faces!

So the countdown is ticking on, and rather quickly. Only one more weekend left with my sweet husband. Only two weeks until the hubby begins one of the most difficult journeys of his life. He will be put to the test mentally and physically his next phase of training and like they say "he ain't seen nothin' yet." I just hope he's ready. I know he can do it, I have complete faith in him. I truly feel like he was born to do this. All I can do is stand strong and support him. I will be holding him up when he can no longer stand on his own, urging him on when he feels like giving up. Time to put our game faces on.

It is amazing what the last few months have done for us individually and for our marriage. We have both matured so much. The Navy has saved our marriage. The separation has taught us (me especially) not to fuss and fight and get angry over small trivial things. It's so not worth it. The time that we do have together is too precious to spend upset. And besides, I love this man with all my heart and I know I will spend the rest of my life adoring and supporting him...when you put it into perspective, why do you fight at all? My hubby and I are a team, us against the world. As long as we remember that, we will be alright. I love him more than ever. I am so unbelievably proud of him, proud to be his wife, proud to stand beside him. He is a good man through and through. It's an amazing feeling to be able to trust someone.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

so frustrating...

Well, didn't get to see the hubby today. I had it all planned, trip to the grocery to get dinner things then head over to the base to pick him up. When am I ever going to learn to quit making plans... As Ave and I were leaving the store, hubby calls and says they have a meeting, to wait about an hour then come get him. So we disappointedly came back to our hotel room. 3 hours later he texts and says the meeting is over. By now Ave is bathed and in bed, and I'm headed that way soon myself. I am so frustrated! I feel like I have a love/hate with the Navy. They've enhanced our lives in many ways but they don't think at all about the ones sitting at home in situations like this. The ones who have dinner planned. The ones who have to end up eating that dinner alone, while choking down tears. I'd like to cuss them all out really good once or twice. I think that would make me feel a little better.

On another note, I feel so tense. How can a person want the days to zoom past and slow way down at the same time? Excitedly mark days off the calendar yet get sad at how few are left? And yet, that's the frame of mind I am in right now. I'm so anxious to be with family and friends at last, save up some money, be in familiar surroundings where Ave and I can spread out again. But I dread leaving this place at the same time. I know I will miss hubby so much. I almost feel guilty leaving here before he does. While I'm gone, who will cook him meals? Make sure he takes his vitamins? Buy foods that he likes? Give him foot massages and back rubs? Hug him and tell him he's doing a great job, he will make it for sure? Am I selfish for leaving?

Oh the emotional roller coaster that comes with being a Navy wife..

Sunday, July 18, 2010

times that try the soul..

Another weekend gone, what a shame =( They just go too fast!!

That being said, I have only two more weekends left with my hubby. I know I shouldn't count down, only treasure the moments that we do have but I can't help it. That's just how I work. I feel like I am always counting down to something or counting up to something...or dreading something. That's one emotion that will wear you thin, dread. I dread leaving my husband, I know that our daughter and I will miss him terribly. Thinking about the lonely nights, long empty days and yearning for a hug from the love of my life...it just makes me cry. A phone call in the evenings simply isn't good enough. I feel like your subconscious affects you more than you'd like to admit. These feelings of dread and sadness and even anxiety to get our departure and tearful goodbyes over with...these feelings affect me daily. In little ways, like irritability. Snapping at my hubby and daughter for no reason. Trying to harden my heart against him so that it cannot be broken. I guess all of these things are my subconscious ways of protecting myself. Funny how we work against ourselves sometimes..

At times I get mad at the Navy for taking my husband from me. Because they have taken him, he's not mine anymore but theirs. Property of the United States of America. Oh I am proud of him and what he is doing, but that's besides the point. I miss the days when I fell asleep beside of my hubby every night and woke to see his face first thing every morning. That's what the Navy has taken from me. Sweet moments that I can never get back.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

so weary...

Well, I am blogging right now because I can't go to sleep. This is getting a little ridiculous. I never used to have trouble sleeping! And now it's like my brain is so full of things I have to do, blah blah blah...that I can't stop thinking long enough to fall asleep! Even though I am so exhausted. Right now I am really sad...all the time lately. I just dread having to say goodbye to my husband. I try to be positive and look forward but UGH! People can't be positive all the time!

I just think about what our month or so apart will be like. Yea my nights are lonely now but at least I have the promise of seeing him tomorrow. When I leave here, I won't have that anymore. All I'll have is a daily phone conversation...I don't even like talking on the phone. And I know Avery is going to ask for her daddy every single day, many times a day. She gets worried every time he leaves her sight, I can tell she's afraid we will be separated from him again. And we will, many many times in the years to come. But she doesn't know that. She is just so happy when the three of us are together. She will touch each of us and say "Mommy, Daddy" so sweetly...and get the biggest grin on her pretty little face. I know she's young and kids are super resilient & forgiving. But what about me? She bounces back much faster than I do. She doesn't have the stresses that I do, the responsibilities and the concerns. She doesn't feel the depression, the loneliness that creeps in to take my husband's place. Oh what I would give to switch places with her sometimes. To be the carefree, happy child.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

oh time, won't you just slow down?

Does anyone ever wish life just had a pause button? I find myself wishing for one often. Only a few precious weeks left with my husband before we are forced to be separated yet again. I'm starting to get that panicky feeling, like I just need to soak him in and spend every second that I can with him. I just look at him and get sad, because I know in a few weeks my life will be empty again. God I love that man, with everything in me. He is truly my other half in every way. But enough of the mushy stuff...

Been looking for places in San Diego, the next stop on our exciting Navy journey. Don't know how long we will be there, just have to play it by ear...so I'm thinking another extended-stay hotel would be our best option. With two bedrooms this time.

My husband really has the best sense of humor, that is the main thing that attracted me to him (well, other than his good looks of course). We were coming back from dinner tonight and saw a middle-aged couple in a super nice restored older vehicle (I'm such a girl, I don't even remember the make of the car..just that it was pretty lol). So anyways, we are looking at it and talking about how nice it is when he turns to me and says "Let's just stop with Ave. She can be an only child." I know what he is thinking...the fewer the kids, the more toys for Daddy lol. Of course he was kidding....sort of :p

I'd like a big family but not the way I'd first envisioned it. If our next one isn't a boy, we will try again. After that I'm done having kids of my own, but I would like to adopt. Not babies, I could live without another baby haha. But I'd like to adopt maybe toddlers, or elementary school age. The ones that are less likely to get adopted, but need so much love & nourishment. I feel like there are too many kids out there without families, it's just not right. And we have so much to give them...or at least we will in about ten years, when I plan for all of this to take place. Right now I admit we don't have a lot to offer. But one day we will!!

Monday, July 12, 2010

oh monday, glad to see you go :D

Well I have decided that Ave and I will go back home to VA for the month of August. I still go back and forth wondering if we should stay or go...but I feel this is the best decision for us. There are a few reasons why. For one thing, going back will save us about $800 bucks. And to us that is a lot of moolah!! For another thing, that will give the hubby his last week here to really focus on his training and work extra hard. Ave and I may be a little of a distraction to him while we are here, we like to hog him all to ourselves =/ So back to VA we will go! I already dread saying goodbye to my hubby, I get teary thinking of it!

It's amazing how feelings and thoughts hit you sometimes out of nowhere. Today Ave was sitting in the recliner with Justin sharing chex-mix, I was sitting on the couch watching a tv show. And out of the blue I just got really sad and almost cried. I started thinking about how Hubby and I really get each other, more than I ever thought possible. No one understands me the way he does. I can't even be my true self with anyone other than my husband. I started to think about how much I will miss his sense of humor and goofing off with him. We can be so goofy together. I thought about how much I will miss being myself. I will miss my partner in crime.

One thing that I have decided about this military lifestyle...saying goodbye never gets any easier. No matter how many times you've been forced to say it before, no matter how long/short the amount of time before you see one another again. Saying goodbye is tough. Every time you say it, your heart breaks a little. BUT the reunion is so very worth it :)

Sunday, July 11, 2010

another weekend behind us =/

well it's that time again. time for another wonderful weekend to come to a close and another long, lonely week to begin. I always have trouble transitioning after having the hubby staying the night with us all weekend...then going back to our routine, basically living our separate daily lives. I always leave that Navy base Sunday nights with tears in my eyes and an ache in my chest. I know I'll be seeing him tomorrow, but it's the nights that are the loneliest. I despise going to bed without my other half here...I actually put going to bed off as long as I can most nights. I find things to do, like blog, watch tv, read. I just dread it. the bed is so dang empty without him in it =/ plus when my love is here I just feel safer. oh well, sleeping alone is definitely something I will have to get used to.

Friday, July 9, 2010

A poem I wrote...."Navy Bride"


Struggles, sacrifices, fears
All the pain and all the tears

Always homesick, always lonely
I do it for my one and only

I will always support his dream
Even when I want to scream

Feeling unseen, pushed aside
As I continue on this ride

All my work's behind the scene
I cook, change diapers, wash and clean

I'm the backdrop in the play
The anchor that holds our home at bay

I wash and iron uniforms
But together we brave all life's storms

Maybe not in body, but always in heart
Nothing on earth can keep us apart

He wears combat boots, I prefer heels
He defends our freedom, I fix the meals

I am by his side until the end
As I leave behind home, family, friend

I know this lifestyle will never be breezy
But nothing worthwhile ever comes easy

My heart is so full of love and pride
I'm so glad to be a Navy bride

To think of it, I feel so blessed
To have a love that's put to the test

Of distance, hardship, and disdain
We will conquer, our love will remain

Thursday, July 8, 2010

oh man...



As I sit here and listen to Avery whine and cry about how she doesn't want to go to bed, she wants to come see mommy...I decide that I definitely am NOT ready for another baby. No sir! I have been trying to decide when we should have another. On one hand I feel like Ave needs someone to play with and I want my kids to be fairly close in age. Then moments like this occur and make me wonder if I want anymore at all?

It wouldn't be so bad if circumstances were different...very different. I'm a single mom 99% of the time right now. I don't think I could handle two, I can barely handle one. I have zero social life. My days are spent in a freakin' hotel room for crying out loud! With a toddler! My sanity is about to disappear completely. My daughter has now entered the super whiny, high maintenance phase of her toddlerhood. Spankings, scoldings, and tears are a regular occurrence for us these days....and the tears aren't coming just from her, believe me. Sometimes I feel like I can't continue on this way. I feel like I am being suffocated. In yet another small town in a small hotel room with a small child. Oh Lord help me! I know I should be counting my blessings, I know I have many....but right now is a time for venting.

Right now, as admittedly a few tears run down my face, I wonder what ever happened to my childhood dreams. Where did my life take such a different turn? I mean, I didn't plan on having kids until I was 30. HA, God knows how to shake things up doesn't He?! I guess He likes to keep us on our toes, doesn't like us to get too comfortable...because then we take things for granted. I hope He will provide me with enough patience and sanity at least to get my kids raised lol. Never knew how difficult it was until I had Avery. WOW! I appreciate my parents now more than ever.

The Universe Is Laughing - The Guggenheim Grotto

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

My first blog!

I have had a rough week so far. Well, actually a rough year. Starting off with parent's divorce. Continuing with the hubby leaving me for boot camp...

Now that was hard, much harder than I ever imagined. Think of it, he is here with me all the time then suddenly disappears with no communication. It's as though he was kidnapped for those 2 long months. But we survived it. We can survive anything. I really went through some kind of mourning during that time. Even thinking back on it makes me want to cry, I was just so miserable. I couldn't even walk into our bedroom without getting a lump in my throat and a knot in my stomach. Thank God Avery (my daughter) and I moved into my mom's shortly after the hubby left. I couldn't have stayed in that house without him there. I couldn't even look at his things! I even quit working out. For those who know me, this is a big deal. I work out every single day! But I just had no motivation to do anything. I was short tempered. I quit eating for a few weeks. Worst of all, I was lonely...so lonely.

But my husband's absence taught me many things. I am far more independent than I ever thought. Being a single mother is hard stuff, but I did it and am continuing to do it whenever he is away. I have a lot of responsibilities now...in a way, that makes me feel empowered. I feel proud of myself. I know that I'm too stubborn to ever let anything beat me. No sir, nothing can keep me down for long. I have too much to live for. I have also learned to treasure the people in your life, oh treasure the hell out of them. You never know when your time with them comes to an end. Our marriage is so strong now. I know we're young, but that doesn't mean we don't know what love and hardship are. We know. We feel them both every single day. I know this lifestyle won't ever be easy, but that's ok. My life never has been.